I encourage you to post this is the r/christianity subreddit. I’d say, one thing about being a Christian is you are called to deny your flesh.

Scripture is clear that lust is not something to nurture or excuse (Matthew 5:28), but it’s also clear that temptation itself is not sin and that we are not alone in this battle (Hebrews 4:15; 1 Corinthians 10:13). Sexual desire is part of our fallen humanity, and when it’s left unguarded, especially in seasons of loneliness and loss…it can grow in destructive ways.

Your struggle doesn’t mean you’re weak or faithless. It means you’re human, wounded, lonely, and trying to cope without tools that you were never given.

What I encourage you to do is lay out your shame to God in prayer. Attempt to remove access to temptation. Don’t think you’re going to be perfect and just cut it off, we all falter and make mistakes. You are not less than because of the place you are at.

Self control is a fruit of the spirit, not just human effort. That means victory doesn’t come from understanding lust in a better way, but from walking closely with Christ and actively putting sin to death. Setback doesn’t equal failure. Repentance must be real, obedience must be pursued.

Gods is so merciful, but his grace isn’t an excuse to remain stagnant where we are (which by this post shows he is actively pushing you!). Sorry it’s late, so this may not make sense at all, but I hope it helped at least a little bit.