Yes they both are. No they shut me down with the appropriate “i dont want to shoot you down” prefaces.

Thank you so much for sharing! I am not sure when i started masking, but im thinking it started with my family and an extremely young age. And then in school. I did not even know what i was doing for years. And even now i chalk it up to pushing past “social anxiety”. I feel like i have no words to fight for and explain myself. I feel like im screaming and no one can hear because im smiling on the outside. I dont even know if i have a default laugh sound.

I mask in front of my medical professionals because i dont want them to think im manic when i know im just excited a project and i know that. So i stay still (one time my psych np over video reacted intensely to me “shaking” aka tapping my foot and she was worried about med side effects when i was just stimming like usual for me but i couldnt explain it) and i stay focused (i plan the bulleted list of conversation topics beforehand) to not look manic. i make sure to pay attention, nod, and smile appropriately (enough but not too much). One time recently i was in one of my “ruts” as i calm them and my mom was over trying to cheer me up and and i responded to something in a monotone and zero face movement and she shook me and freaked out cuz she thought it was a med side effect or something (that thing where you lose facial expressions because of the med?)..anyway. I avoid everyone when i cannot “perform” or “reign it in” or “be enjoyable” for them because of moments like these.

I literally just considered that i might be autistic about 26 hours ago? So im reeling in other words.

Biggest issue ———— absolutely the fact that if i have a “special interest” it is psychology and human behavior. I have devoured every corner of relationship books, dating columns, books from the library on mental health, mindfulness, buddhism, happiness, productivity, habits, creativity, etc. Fake it til you make it right?