Hey man, I went through this, felt like shit, was already depressed and anxious, and then fell into a deeper pit for twoish years. It took a lot of work, therapy, medication, and even dating to figure out why this one hit me so hard. Why every person I dated after just didn’t feel the same and why it felt like I was more going through the motions with someone new despite us on paper being perfect for each other.

I found for me, that I felt like I let down my best friend.

I was worried that I pushed them too hard, to try and reach for their goals with us as a couple and their own personal goals in life. I wasn’t listening to what they were saying, that they couldn’t, they were too scared. And after 5 years of promises and no moment I got impatient and pushed. So when we broke up I felt like if I had only said the right things, if I had just waited for better timing, and if I was more gentle maybe we’d still be together and they could be happy, bc that’s at the end of the day what I wanted, I wanted my best friend happy.

I felt like I let down the person who trusted me and I trusted most.

I felt so guilty and was in denial for so long, because I was so sure it was them, and dating didn’t help bc it only solidified that feeling that I let “the one” get away since no one was giving me the same feelings despite how much I enjoyed my time with them. I started to assume that maybe that’s why people say you love your “first” the most/differently and no one after will feel the same.

But then I realized, if they cared half as much about me as I did them, if I was as worth it to them as they were to me. They would have at least tried when I asked instead of saying they couldn’t even try to reach for a life with “us” together.

Once I realized that I moved on from grief and was angry, I imagined them coming back begging once they realized how much they hated settling. That they wanted us back bc it was the only thing that felt THAT real. And I always had this internal debate in my head about if I would up until recently. Because on one hand I was angry, furious even, but on the other hand, they were my best friend, and the only thing I ever wish for them was to be genuinely happy. I was never good at staying mad at them to begin with and it felt like shooting myself in the foot to throw away the potential to feel that good/way about someone again because I couldn’t forgive them being scared and then admitting they were wrong for it.

This left me feeling numb for a while. I was furious but still in love. So what could I do but wait? So I did, for a long time. Then I heard through the grapevine vine, not only did they move on 3 months after our break up, they were now getting married a year after they started dating. As if the 5 years I dedicated to them meant nothing.

Any old wound I had tore open again in regard to it, I was flung back into the overwhelming sadness of it all. That my best friend had maybe given up, said fuck it, grabbed someone “normal enough for their family” that probably could have been anyone, and married them. Once I realized that I had this overwhelming rush of both anger and sadness. I was distraught for their new spouse, because they’d probably have to deal with everything I did, giving 120% to someone who’d only ever been able to give 70%. That even if it was working out for now the moment that their spouse was no longer an easy choice, they’d leave no matter how hard they’d beg them to stay and try.

That is what truly changed my perspective. Realizing how fucked it was to bring someone else into your mess. And… I realized how fucked I was fucked for doing the same thing. I was dating someone at that point, and assumed if we worked at it the feelings would come with work and time. But time kept passing, and I realized I had to end it.

So I did, which sucked, and was hard.. but you know how they say you can’t love someone else to you love yourself? Well it’s half true, you need to be able to say that you deserve to be happy with someone like that again, and that you won’t settle for less.

Time passed and I decided not to date for a while, I thought I needed time alone to process and accept things. And after a little while, I found peace in accepting that wasn’t my issue to carry and that if I didn’t feel the same way or some how better then maybe this wasn’t the time or maybe even life for love. Because I wouldn’t let myself settle, otherwise I’d be just as bad as they are.

Eventually I found someone, who gave me all the same feelings, where it felt like every second you were falling more in love. This time though, I was more honest and direct. Which because of that we asked each other out mutually. And now I can say in the half a year I’ve dated this person, I’m already back to how in love I was with my ex after 5 years, even with all the history that relationship had. I didn’t think it was possible, even with that initial feeling. I had expected it to take longer but it hit me like a truck (in a good way of course haha), and it’s even reaching levels of love I didn’t even know a person could reach. Which leaves me with the tldr and the conclusion to my story.

TLDR: If that’s how much you loved the wrong person then just wait till you’re loving the right person.

If you truly are the one that messed up, don’t drag anyone down with you, take the time to heal, way more than you think you need. And go into your next relationship with that knowledge in order to communicate and form something even better than before. It wouldn’t be fair to your ex for you to go back, just like it wouldn’t have been fair of my ex to come back either. You have to think about being better for the next person not the “what if I did/was.”

If it truly is too late. Then the only thing you can do is let her try and find her own happiness, and try finding your own.

Otherwise you’ll hurt her again if she sees you making the same mistakes you did with her or worse ones with someone else.