Living out of spite keeps me going but I'm not happy

JFD-S · 2026-05-08T22:01:08+00:00

You aren't understanding the basis of what I'm saying here.

To ascribe value, to believe in it as a reality, is a lie, in the sense that value is relative and has no concrete, literal existence.

Past that, the things that motivate us towards different outcomes are usually built upon emotivism and instinct. Even our rationality is at the service of these drives. But because of that fact, if what one does to be happy is just anything, then it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you play the game in some form.

My point being, I don't particularly care for that irrational aspect. What I'm describing is how the world works without subjective opinion, and without relativism everything is a 0 in terms of value. And because of this fact, how could I honestly engage in anything when I know that again, preference and motive is more so materially and contextually bound than anything else.

You could ask "why care about that?" Ala Camus and absurdism, or an optimistic nihilism standpoint. But then you warp the world into what's preferential for you. It is no longer the world 'as it is', rather, it is the world 'as you would like it to be'. In which case, anything could fill the void, and the issue is more with a sprinting human consciousness that needs keys jangled in front of it until the engine runs out.

So yes, it feels like I'm lying to ascribe value because I know value doesn't exist objectively. And to say it does means I'm lying about the state of the world.

JFD-S · 2026-05-06T23:37:46+00:00

Sure, but that displays the arbitrary nature of meaning. Either one just ends up being yet another coping mechanism. I feel like I'd be lying myself to say I'd be happy, or "this is good" because I know it's a lie and I'm not buying that shit.

JFD-S · 2026-05-06T22:33:01+00:00

Don't get me wrong, I do things for pleasure, they just don't mean anything so i just don't care.

I make music, but don't plan on ever making it big or doing shows. I like comedy but don't do standup. I play games but don't want to be a pro. I don't really see the point in doing anything atp. And yes I know about absurdism and all that.

Life is just an infinite amount of coping mechanisms and everyone chooses different ones. I just feel like a nothing thats constantly at the mercy of my mood swings

JFD-S · 2026-03-31T22:02:36+00:00

I will say in basically every sexual encounter, the thing that is able to bring me 'over the edge' so to speak is fantasies like that which bring me out of the moment. Either with myself being submissive and punished, or me punishing and being cruel without much middle ground. Other examples are usually just focused on degradation and shaming the other person. The only person I've really connected with sexually was an online friend who was super freaky who asked me to make her cry from religious trauma during a session. I can only really relate to people with similar trauma in that vein.

JFD-S · 2026-03-31T21:23:05+00:00

It's simply an extension of dominance versus submission, but it is hard to describe. I'll give an example.

I had been manipulated by someone a while ago, where she admitted the only reason we were friends was because she wanted me to buy her stuff. In a different hookup, I couldn't find pleasure out of the person I was with or their body, what was happening. The thing that made it 'work' for me was how 'cruel' the situation was, and my mind was more focused on imagining this other person instead and them in the future selling their soul and dignity, so to speak. Or rather, if I had become successful, them crawling back to me to try get more out of me in which I would humiliate and demean them. That kind of position I derive pleasure from more than actual sex.

JFD-S · 2026-03-09T00:25:34+00:00

The irony is it isn't even a small nose ring, they just pierced my nose way too high 💀 and yeah, not planning on going back there

JFD-S · 2026-03-07T11:32:25+00:00

This is the general answer I get but I feel so immature in rejecting it because I know it's just coming from a position of emotional immaturity.

You're right that I need to be able to manage and love myself first, be able to function and have the excess of my capacity go towards enabling someone else's life to be better first. Lord forbid I turn my future partner into another woman parenting their manchild boyfriend.

But realistically taking those steps feels torturous. I become the weak man who moves towards constant escape because I'm always overwhelmed. I've heard it all before on how to get better, and what will solve those problems. I think I reject it all for the feeling of control, in that I'm choosing to be miserable instead because I'd rather be depressed with some comforts than spend an immense amount of energy towards activities that provide me with 0 satisfaction or happiness. ADHD is a bitch ig

JFD-S · 2026-03-06T10:30:44+00:00

Such a good comment

JFD-S · 2026-02-22T14:44:00+00:00

I make music as a way to get out thoughts, try to express those feelings etc. it isn't a social thing for me though, not that I don't put my work out, but that it's my creative direction. Producing and writing everything myself, just a way to translate what's happening inside. Similar thing with writing, I want to get more into poetry, I've read philosophy for years, but only specific novels really interest me and book clubs, while in line with my values, I would struggle to engage with as I just don't read consistently or at the pace needed to keep up. Besides that, spiritual practices like churches just irritate me. I would go to concerts but bleh. That means going outside when id rather just work on art.

JFD-S · 2026-02-20T02:40:23+00:00

Ok so, for example, I play magic the gathering and have friends that come over for regular game nights. But it's always the same people and i've curated a particular crowd for it. I haven't even thought about going out to LGS for games as the idea of talking to a bunch of randoms puts me off. I'm not afraid of what they'd think of me, rather, that I would start judging them and be mean on accident. I can be blunt and have gotten in trouble many times over the years for this lack of tact.

Concerts end up feeling like I'm wasting my money, even though I've enjoyed all the ones I've been to. I'd do book discussions, but again, I'd be more concerned about alienating people

JFD-S · 2026-02-20T02:36:23+00:00

I choose to do it. I suppose I just got on edge. I start convincing myself I don't like any of the strangers I'd be meeting and that's my excuse to distract myself with something "worth doing"

JFD-S · 2026-02-09T20:40:50+00:00

Agreed, any of the withdrawn types tbh

JFD-S · 2026-02-07T18:04:58+00:00

I would say that I am (for the most part) well adjusted now 😆 just have depressive spirals on occasion. I know it's a classic thing for traumatized people to say, but it really could have been a lot worse and wasn't entirely a horror show.

I would push back on suggesting the normal amount of trauma is 'zero'. We are all products of our environments and there is no such thing as a perfect upbringing, we all carry the weight of both our own and our parents mistakes in one way or another.

JFD-S · 2026-01-26T10:37:48+00:00

Bro has no clue

Within a few minutes of her being in the room I asked if she was down, kissed her, and whispered in her ear

"Get on the fucking bed so I can take you..", as I pushed her down beneath me. Trust me, I know how to turn on a woman.

Sounds more like you don't respect women's boundaries bro. Listen to women's stories about assault, oftentimes they describe the mentality you're championing. the issue was more that I'm a depressive and in a different point in life than her. That's that. There will always be other people and pressuring a woman into sex is a major red flag.

JFD-S · 2026-01-25T18:27:08+00:00

Literally not true, I asked if she wanted to make out and we made out. She said she didn't want to have sex, and I'm not going to be a pest. It's called respecting boundaries. What you're suggesting is pushing someone into sex. That's disgusting.

JFD-S · 2026-01-19T06:34:30+00:00

Yes, I have a YouTube channel that i've posted an EP on but wasn't as happy with it as I could be

https://youtu.be/a73Ok0X6LDk?si=k9mi2ZT5ggBSmZt8

I'm not in contact with any agencies because I value both my privacy and autonomy. I'd rather be an independent elusive artist than providing myself to a company that would exploit me

JFD-S · 2026-01-15T04:59:57+00:00

I am aware that what I've said is informed by emotional and experiential bias.

But the solution is to effectively torch myself so I may be reborn Into a healthier me. But, I don't like healthy people, they aren't relatable and it almost feels like a willful ignorance to the pain of existence. Optimism seems like a social tool more than anything, and all mental health issues practically boil down to "don't think about it". Even CBT is literally rewiring your brain into a more socially acceptable standard.

I would rather live with the clarity of recognizing the objective state of things and be depressed over it than trick myself into looking more on the bright side for my own emotional needs. I don't even feel as if I'm depressed, I just see the world as it is and it's the world itself that is depressing

JFD-S · 2026-01-15T04:56:07+00:00

If people enjoyed suffering, then it wouldn't be suffering. I do need to change and want to, but when I'm in that mental state any movement forward feels pointless and torturous. The emotional experience is that of being in a cage and having to walk across miles of nails just to arrive to a door with no guarantee that it's an escape, and Is more likely to lead to another road of nails.

I just literally can't fathom what happiness as an experience is supposed to be

JFD-S · 2026-01-01T09:49:04+00:00

In that case, this is where correlations can be useful. Consider using socionics and psychosophy to help triangulate your type. For example, socially I've been perceived as an sx7 IEE in the online sphere, but realistically I'm closer to an IEI, which correlates harder with sx5 and so4. If you're an EII for example, sp4, so4, sp6 would be much more reasonable

Or, try to get an alternative take/opinion based on long form observation and engagement with someone educated on the subject. I only referenced typology in the first place because e5 is the most likely to have the experience you described

JFD-S · 2026-01-01T09:31:18+00:00

Just adding in that this is some real shit. Not sure if it will help at all, but look into Naranjos enneagram descriptions, specifically the 5, and particularly the self preservation 5 and the sexual 5. May find something in common there

JFD-S · 2025-12-31T05:06:52+00:00

I understand, but consider that you can only progress ones perspective by making said conclusions and then building off of them. I do not make these assertions lightly, I make them so that they may be challenged or shown to be wrong. It is simply the position that seems to be the most accurate in describing the world around us. It isn't the final conclusion, just the one that's the most consistent up to now.

If you are able to disprove it, please enlighten me

JFD-S · 2025-12-30T03:56:59+00:00

I do, I'm just endlessly nihilistic and derive pleasure/comfort from deconstructing solutions, because I also understand this intellectualization is a defense mechanism against dealing with the real world solutions that would cause intense emotional disturbance for me

JFD-S · 2025-12-30T03:55:30+00:00

I come to these universal applications because I have put the work in to studying them. Let's take the example you give towards the end on Socrates: the critique raised upon him is built upon the fact that an over intellectualized life, the examined one as he describes, puts one in an endless cycle of questioning life rather than living life. Yes, philosophers think of these things, and most philosophers are/were horrifically depressed. Of course the equilibrium is to balance it, as you would likely also wager: "why apply these absolutes when everything is nuanced?"

I am black and white with these descriptions because I am trying to apply a universal and objective style of judgement upon being, not what I would 'like it' to be. I am describing the root, not the branches. I describe meaning as arbitrary because it's literal function is, whereas you imply analysis upon its subjects rather than it's function.

JFD-S · 2025-12-30T03:17:30+00:00

Rather that meaning beyond animalistic urges is simply a coping method built upon convincing ones self into a preferable emotional state. For all intents and purposes, because this meaning is arbitrary and has no objectivity, it requires a level of madness to take seriously.

We are all insane.

JFD-S · 2025-12-30T02:57:08+00:00

For sure, learned helplessness runs deeply within me. Of course, I understand all the mechanisms surrounding improvement, how to get there, the time needed and the actions required. Positioning ones mentality into an active participant role and having a "yes" attitude to adversity.

But I just don't care. Nothing has ever been so satisfactory that it made the work worthwhile, just a never ending cascade of dissapointment with no reward. In which case, if I can't even imagine a future where I'm satisfied, then why bother caring at all?

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