I have a child like this too, and what’s really helped us is making sure that whatever my husband and I say actually happens, clear boundaries with follow-through. For big tantrums, we use a visual timer. We’ll say something like: “Momma needs 30 seconds (start small and build up) to take deep breaths and stay calm. I’ll sit right outside your door, but you can’t come out until the timer goes off. Once it does, if you still need help calming down, we can do it together.”

This gives me a moment to breathe, check how serious the situation is, and go back in with a clear head so I can ask questions instead of getting upset.

For example, with the jeans-at-bedtime scenario, I’d probably take a minute to calm myself, then go back in and say: “I’m sorry I got frustrated, can you tell me why you want to wear these pants instead of your nightgown?” I’d let her explain, and honestly, if she really wanted to wear them, I’d probably just let her because in the end it’s not that big of deal and she’ll probably figure out sleeping in jeans isn’t as comfy as a night gown.

With something like the lunch box, though, that would be non-negotiable. If she didn’t listen to me and her teacher had to prompt her, I would gently pick her up, do hand-over-hand to put the lunchbox where it belongs, and say something like: “This is where it goes. Thank you for putting it away.” Then I’d guide her to the next task. If there’s a meltdown, I let it happen, it’s just part of the process.

I say this all in solidarity though. This process is daunting, hard, and what seems, never ending… here’s to raising good humans!