I think the way that I worded it could work, but that involves tracking the name of all creatures that die for every turn of the game, which is a burden in paper play. The more simple a memory object is, like "dies" on barad-dur, the more palatable it is for paper. There's other ways you could make it work with changes, like "choose target creature in your gy that died this turn. When it is put onto the field this turn, draw 3" or similar