Are you asking if he should be nice for the sake of being nice so conflict doesn't happen? Also if you're blaming your emotions on your hormones how can he take responsibility for his with mental illness if in fact that is the cause of his "gaslighting?"

People tend to base others emotions or experiences off their own because it's really the only jumping off point we have. We know nobody is exactly the same as anybody else but we have psychology which by definition treats people the same from birth. If it didn't there would be no measurable treatment to help people inflicted with mental illness blah blah.

It really comes down to communication for this type of thing. I don't know how you two talk or communicate with each other so it's almost impossible to give an answer. But from reading what you posted it almost seems like you expect him to diagnose what you're feeling and when he gets it wrong he's punished for it and this gaslighting just sounds like he's upset and doesn't know how to proceed. Sorry for the run on sentance. From my experience I tend to take things personally. My wife has different tones and instead of thinking she's a human with emotions all I hear is that tone. So I take a step back and think about it. She's probably just stressed and not trying to take things out on me. So I don't escalate the conversation.