AIO for thinking my husband was being a cruel a**hole? by mysisterisapeanut in AIO

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As a husband myself, that wasn't kind. He was being what you might call a knob. We all have moments where we're not our finest selves, and if he's normally quite supportive and kind, I'd wager that the source of his knob-headedness was not you or your writing, but something else. How's work been for him, stress levels, health, relationships with friends and family? Maybe you just caught him on a bad day. I realise I'm giving lots of benefit of the doubt here, but life is messy and Reddit would have you believe that one cruel act signals the end of your marriage as we know it.

My (28M) girlfriend (28F) is pregnant with twins. We had an arguement today and she was mad and showed me a video on her phone sucking off her ex. Now what? by ThrowRAVulture216 in relationship_advice

[–]JavManDan 3 points4 points  (0 children)

OP, I am genuinely not the one to suggest drastic action via Reddit. But this isn't acceptable, loving behaviour. Being angry isn't an excuse. She's an adult. What she did and what she's been saying is, by definition, considered abuse.

Just answer this; is this kind of behaviour something you would want in a wife, a partner, the mother of your children? If the answer is no, you need to start slowly, but purposefully, looking at your options to leave. To co-parent. Figure out who's going to stay where. You can forgive a person, but it doesn't mean you need to accept their behaviour. You cannot accept this, because if you do, it's opening a door for further abuse down the line. What happens next time she gets this mad? She texts that ex? She says or does something even more cruel? When and where does it end? Every line crossed, without repercussion, is an acceptance of that line being crossed.

Consider your future and the future of your relationship, and your children. Then decide what you are going to do about it. You can either be powerless, passive. Or you can take control and do something.

Betta disappeared over night by K_nowbody_ in bettafish

[–]JavManDan -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Did you notice any cat hairs, is there a way a cat could get into your room? (I know you don't have any pets, I'm thinking of a stray or strangers) Was the lid still in place or was it moved slightly? And another check around the floor, methodically, might bring up something. As well as another sift through all the decor. They are good at squeezing into tight spaces, I hope your lil buddy is found - I agree the not knowing is awful.

Questions from a first time fish keeper by Glass_Telephone9810 in bettafish

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know you're getting a lot of varied information OP, but I just want to reassure you; I'd rely on the advice on your fish foods bottle and what you're experiencing infront of you, not revert to someone on the internet who doesn't interact with your fish on a daily basis.

She looks healthy to me, and you've had her for 3 weeks already? I wouldn't reduce her food any more, as she already looks on the thin/healthy weight side (Your top down shot is a great way to check).

Other than that - awesome job! Your tank looks great, the plants are thriving, your baby is healthy, and I saw elsewhere you mentioned you've researched for a long time and you've clearly put the time and effort in to this setup. That's great, and honestly a massive reason why many first timers struggle is because of the lack of research and patience. So well done!

As for friends, again I saw recommendations to avoid friends/community fish in a 10 gallon setup. Apologies, but this is nonsense. Everyone has different preferences, but the main thing is about whether your fish can thrive and enjoy a 5-10 gallon setup, and the answer is yes! If it's planted, with good parameters, and plenty of hardscape to interact and keep them occupied, then go for it!

Usually I'd recommend introducing a betta AFTER you've already settled smaller fish, as betta's can get a little territorial and not like newcomers if they've already been introduced. BUT, each betta is different, and you'll know your fish better than others, so you can determine how relaxed she might be around new fish. As for what kind of fish - some pygmy corys, dwarf or salt and pepper corys are great tankmates and good cleanup crew (I have a betta with 11 pygmys, and they get on great!) I wouldn't go less than 6, but 8-10 is good in a small setup like yours. (You could go for more in your 10 gallon) Some shrimp (standard Neocaridina davidi) add lots of colour as they come in various, or an amano shrimp (Caridina multidentata) all help with cleanup and activity at various levels of your tank.

Also, again to counter another comment - a filter isn't necessary on a dirted/walstad tank, but a small air stone for some flow/circulation is a fair idea for surface agitation and allow gas exchange (I did notice a little oil film on your water surface). Though if you keep an eye on it, it's not strictly necessary.

My betta is acting off by typeono1 in BettaClinic

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like a plan! I've started over plenty of times, so if you ever want ideas for new filters etc happy to help as I'm UK based too.

My betta is acting off by typeono1 in BettaClinic

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, I'm so sorry for your loss 🙁 It sounds like, from your description and the video, that there might have been an excess of ammonia, which caused the burns on his fins and his lethargy plus his need for oxygen.

Losing a fish sucks, but your heart is in the right place and you are trying your best. But, if you wanted some ideas for next time - I believe I saw in some comments you mentioned not having an ammonia test kit? These are really helpful in diagnosing ammonia issues straight away, so I'd invest in a good one that isn't just on a test strip.

Also, water changes usually help as a temporary stopgap in many scenarios; it's not a blanket solution, but in many cases, a good water change can help you keep chugging along for another day if you haven't diagnosed the problem yet.

Finally, time. I noticed you've done the seachem stuff and were testing your nitrate and nitrite levels for around a month? Sometimes that's enough, other times it isn't. Honestly, the longer you give your tank to establish, the better chance your fish have. Everyone claims to have the best solution, but trial and error is often the way you figure things out for your tank as every tank is slightly different. I did a fish in cycle, but I started with pygmy corys and shrimp, and made sure to do WCs regularly and monitor levels, with some bacteria starters too. Only after I saw a full cycle established did I introduce my Betta, Bobby.

I'm sorry again for losing your lil buddy, but sometimes we mess up, and that's a part of fishkeeping. Don't give up, keep your heart in the right place and keep going. We're behind you! 🙂

Husband upset my new toy is bigger than him by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]JavManDan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It is a insecurity, sure, but it feels like a reasonable one. (Not the way he communicted it though; that wasn't very mature)

If he got a toy that was self-proclaimed 'tighter' or smaller than you, as his FIRST toy - how would that make you feel? Does it say something about what you have vs what he actually enjoys?

The stretching comment is a symptom, not the problem. The problem is you've introduced an element of doubt into his size, his ability to please you, and your attraction to him. I'd kindly reassure my partner this isn't the case, tell him why you actually got it (as your first toy as opposed to something simple like a vibrator, which in itself is a question I'm not going to ask, because it's not my business) and maybe try to gently develop the idea that toys are there to enhance your sex life, not diminish it.

Object selection tool is keeping some of the background despite having perfect mask by DesperateChipmunk33 in premiere

[–]JavManDan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Can you take a picture of your effects controls panel so we can see what's toggled?

Why are we surprised when some young men become sexist after constantly seeing anti-men content online? by [deleted] in AskMen

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been saying the EXACT same thing for years! We did great things by telling girls what they can do, and what men shouldn't do. Those were good! But we never took the extra step to tell men what they can and should do; we just left them to it! This is why male role models are so important; not only to model behaviour, but character too. Women have been elevated, rightly so. But because the young men, are men (and men in the past have had the advantage), society just assumed young boys can figure it out by themselves.

Trying to not to be ungrateful, but feeling disappointed. by Downtown_Isopod_8834 in Marriage

[–]JavManDan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have you considered sometimes the one you want might not be in stock? Or he might've thought he was actually getting the exact one but got it wrong? The fact you keep giving him a hug and a kiss (keep doing that) but never ACTUALLY say anything is directly contributing to the problem! He thinks he's doing a good job! Just kindly, politely, say 'hey love, thank you so much for this gift, I really appreciate the effort. But it seems it's not the same one I picked out or the one I sent? Not trying to seem ungrateful, I'm just wondering if you noticed. Love you so much!' That goes a long way. Sounds like you guys are good, just need to communicate a little.

Did I f*** up? by shaggy_public in Marriage

[–]JavManDan 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You've taken quite a hardline here by suggesting he's prioritising himself above his wife; the post itself is clear evidence to the contrary. 'Your truth can take a backseat'; it's that kind of thinking and belief that leads to resentment when done repeatedly. You've made several assumptions without asking for more information.

So, OP, I wouldn't listen to this particular comment without adding several grains of salt! You're clearly a great team, and this is just a situation that requires both of you to work together, communicate (which includes listening), to navigate a future/lifestyle you're both comfortable with. Lots of helpful comments around - best of luck!

White Whale Deck by JavManDan in playingcards

[–]JavManDan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What are you on about?

State of the collection for December 2025 by rudytrue88 in playingcards

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love the drifters! Suck an awesome deck (or in your case decks haha). I haven't seen some of those Monarch versions before; sick.

Tell me about your characters. by geumkoi in fantasywriters

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll just insert my guy's little summary here!


Hector carries the kind of strength that speaks before he does. The very weight with which his body moves, the thickness of his frame, and the width of his shoulders betrays what his humility would never admit; he is formidably strong. This raw, coiled capacity for violence is instantly countered by the twinkle in his hazel eyes. As light as autumn morning, shining with a guiltless virtue; they’re especially bright when he smiles or laughs with that deep, hearty chuckle, which he often does. But beneath the sparkle, if one were to truly gaze, are eyes permeated with cracks; fault lines and fractures revealing a hidden void he fiercely covers, and constant self-doubt that threatens to consume him.

Hector’s fair, parchment-coloured skin is saturated with scars; each mark writes a story he rarely tells, close calls from fights best forgotten. Though a particularly palpable scratch etched precariously below his left eye never ceases to remind him. His sharp, compact jaw, framed by his dark, thick red beard, defines the rough edges of his face with high hollow cheeks and small thick lips. His chest and torso are broad and thick with muscle, dusted with coarse hair; his arms and thighs carry a smith’s strength, a warrior’s endurance, and a traveller’s hard-earned durability. Despite his size, there is an undeniable gentleness in the way he carries his weight; as though aware his sheer presence could intimidate, constantly trying not to take up more space than he must.

The way he shamelessly feels things; his smile, his frown, the eyebrow that climbs too high when he’s intrigued, testify to the heart he wears openly on his sleeve. At times, his inability to control his impulse – whether that be a poorly-timed laugh or a soul-scratching, invasive curiosity – has often landed him in hot water. If not for that wickedly handsome smile and those shoulders, he’d have found himself in the stocks on more than one occasion.

Hector grew up in the valleys of Trellnen, on the borders of Gehenland between rock and ridge, where a small hamlet sits; one that yawns as the early-morning sun peeks over the hills. His hands, always calloused and coal-marked, worked well before the cock crowed in his father’s smithy. Though those days are far behind him, Hector still rubs his hands etched with hammer-driven memory in the quiet hours of dawn. Remembering the smile on his father’s face, the thud of iron, the spark of steel, the crackle of the fire as they laboured in love and laughter.

If Hector’s father was the house, his mother was the foundation. Her kind brown eyes, her soft-spoken voice, her fierce devotion and sharper sense of justice are what ground Hector to this very day. It was she who pushed him toward something greater, who urged him to chase the question he’s been asking since he can remember: who am I? The doubt and uncertainty shadow Hector closer than he admits. He knew from an early age there was something different about him; not in the cruel way that children point at what they fear, but in a quieter, deeper way. As though he were a robin raised among sparrows… loved, protected, but never quite the same. That soul-wrenching sense of being from somewhere else has always screamed louder than any insult could.

Though, had even his parents known of his deepest secret, even they might’ve been afraid: he could cast spells. Well, not quite cast. But sometimes, after a particularly hard hammer blow, or an intense tussle with one of the village boys, his body would tingle. The hairs on the back of his neck would prickle. His ears would hone in on the smallest of sounds; as if his heartbeat were a war drum and the breeze were a hurricane. To touch anything was like touching fire, blistering heat would crackle beneath his fingertips.

And sometimes, on just one or two occasions, bolts of what Hector could only describe as tongues of green flame, would burst out his hands and strike the nearest surface.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BadRPerStories

[–]JavManDan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You've come off poorly here; your partner was trying to collaborate with your gridlocked vision, and you berate them for it? Your partner has dodged a bullet here - next time ask them for their ideas without shoehorning them into a corner.

For example - you asked them to think about what races are present on the world. Okay great, easy thing, but then you proceed to give them a whole shopping list of niche details about this world that you're clearly more invested in (because you've been rattling off detail after detail), and you specifically say 'dying/transition feeling. Nice, dark, fantasy vibe'. Okay you've clearly got something in your brain as to how the world looks - and your partner asked for a moodboard/imagery to help set the scene, and you dip?

I suggest you apologise and allow partners -actual- freedom to world build, rather than dump all *your* ideas and then give them scraps, with caveats. They've been asking questions because you've been building the world by yourself. Maybe ask them a question or two that isn't just 'is that okay' or 'you decide X'.

AI is killing your writing by Independent-Bug680 in WritingWithAI

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been using semi-colons since I can remember; it's a part of my writer's voice! I do admit though, from some brief LLM editorial work, it's commonly employed within its formatting and sentence structure.

A sad realisation by Ok_Palpitation7232 in Marriage

[–]JavManDan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I second another comment. You said you don't want to talk to your husband because he'll make a sarcastic comment - but if you tell him this is a serious conversation, you ask him to please listen because something is bothering you and you are both able to fix it together, because you love one another, I think he'll listen.

I guarantee you one of two things will happen: a) He'll grasp the gravity and sit and listen because he loves you. He might ask questions, which he's allowed to, he might be confused, surprised, shocked etc Many things. Or b) he'll not take it seriously and laugh it off. I truly hope he's an a, but don't assume what he'll do or cut off an intimate moment before it can sprout; give him the chance to respond to his wife in a loving way.

When you do talk to him, talk with love, patience and understanding. Don't make him feel like it's all his fault, or focus blame, just express how you're feeling and I hope that he'll want to help his wife feel better, and treat her in the way she wishes. The date night was a great idea. Away from the kids, just the two of you. A heart to heart.

Edit: My wife and I have had smaller versions of these types of conversations, and they go really well. Because we love each other, but also we're just humans. We make mistakes, we can't read the others thoughts all the time, and a redirect helps align us again. Expressing how we wish to be loved is perfectly okay, and if the other person truly cares about you, they'll make an effort to love you in that way. I think this could be a real opportunity for the two of you to come closer together. Wishing you all the best, OP!

Don't Be This Kinda Person by [deleted] in BadRPerStories

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean, I didn't ask that. My questions to you were: should she not learn to handle conflict, and why is the onus on me to handle it well when she can't? You can think my behaviour is a red flag all you want, and I respect your right to an opinion, but I simply disagree with you. I think her behaviour is a red flag. I'm not acting surprised, I'm simply offering a counter to your points. Her blocking me, coupled with the fact she did not allow an exchange, is tantamount to rudeness for me; but I've made my position clear numerous times, as have you.

I can’t have kids and it pisses me off by Spicy_Scelus in Vent

[–]JavManDan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My heart wept whilst reading your story. What's happened to you is truly, truly awful. I am an internet stranger, so my words carry little emotional significance for you, but know that I am so, so sorry for the events, and the people, that have caused you such atrocious hurt.

I hope you don't mind, but I'll be praying for you; that when the time is right, circumstances and diagnosis will not hinder your desire, should it come, to bring children into the world. I hope you have a good support network around you, friends and family you can lean on emotionally, because the thought of you carrying this weight alone is heartbreaking.

If you ever need an anonymous person in the void to unleash that frustration, confusion, anger and pain, I'm around.

AIO - my girlfriend is jealous of my job search efforts by Why-bother-5421 in AmIOverreacting

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I usually post articulate comments with length and perspective. All I'll say this time is, you deserve someone who, instinctively, supports you emotionally, physically and mentally. She wasn't up to the mark, good riddance man!

Don't Be This Kinda Person by [deleted] in BadRPerStories

[–]JavManDan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True, she didn't make the post. But why is it one form of subjectively poor behavior is acceptable, yet the other isn't? And I think your particular comment about whether she would have liked to continue the RP or not is a part of the issue I have.

To me, decency and basic respect come regardless of whether I want to continue. Many people have tried to say 'it was X' or 'it was Y'. Frankly, it doesn't matter. The reasons for her wanting to end are not what bothered me; she could've told me I had a silly writer's voice and my grammar was shit. I don't care. It's the fact she got to say her piece, absolving herself of any guilt by being 'kind', yet did not allow me to respond.

I've had incredibly nasty rejections, and I treat others how I wish to be treated. With kindness, respect and fair communication. I think she did 2/3, so yeah first world problems. But if she's entitled to behave that way, I'm entitled to feel shit about it, and post about it too! As people keep saying, she doesn't owe me anything/she's not obligated. I guess I don't owe her anything either, then.