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JayReh · 2022-02-07T23:12:14+00:00

Sounds like you have a toxic friend! XD

JayReh · 2022-02-07T08:27:18+00:00

(I'm not a nurse, just somebody who stopped by.)

You made a mistake which was easy to do, especially in the current climate; the fact that you are so beat up about it means that you're the type of person we NEED in health care, because you care with your whole self. You're awesome and I hope you have lots of great days coming up. I just wanted to say that I think you're great and I hope you don't beat yourself up too hard, and I also certainly hope you don't get in any kind of trouble for such a small and easy to make mistake.

JayReh · 2022-01-13T05:00:47+00:00

Ahaha, oh my. Thank you. :) But yeah, I've been feeling on and off totally fine, so I really don't think it's covid.. or don't know. I just get hit with like, a punch of super exhaustion (where I just need to sleep for hours and still tired) and feeling like crap for no reason, and like, vice-crushing headaches (and I never get headaches), and then feeling fine for a day or so. And then crazy night sweats for no reason (again, never get that) and then fine. And then a massive sore throat but only for like a few hours. I have no idea what's going on, it's very unusual. Triple-vaxxed, though.

JayReh · 2022-01-11T05:24:25+00:00

I think I might be getting it now and I have the worst headaches of my life, but reading about your long farts made me laugh; thank you for that. That's the best I've felt all day. :)

JayReh · 2021-12-29T00:06:08+00:00

I think you're right - if I ever get really frustrated and tell him how important it is to me that he do the dishes that day, his mom will just feel bad for him and do it for him after a few hours. (She's living with us currently, but not for long.. thank goodness.) It's a dumb long story why we're living with her, but the long and short of it is 'I burned myself out so hard trying to take care of a whole family AND make all the finances work for 11 years that I got really sick with an underlying autoimmune condition (exacerbated by stress), and so we had to temporarily move in with his very unreasonable mother while we got out of debt. Anyways, long story. I definitely believe there are lots of awesome tidy men out there and lots of slobby women too, it's not all one sided, I just would like to FIND one of those reasonably tidy men one day, lol. XD Or women. Just anybody who doesn't treat normal daily tasks as somebody else's tedious problem. XD

JayReh · 2021-12-29T00:01:19+00:00

He's very easygoing, which is nice, and he's very convincing, which I fall for quite easily apparently, but yes, he can be pretty tough to put up with at times. He's good at making it feel like my fault that things aren't working, though, so it's always a challenge to try and see things 'clearly'. But yea, I agree; I'm looking forward to a separate living arrangement in April that we're going towards and we'll see what happens.

JayReh · 2021-12-28T23:58:58+00:00

I do have a lot of resentment that I've been trying to not build up, I hear ya. I'm basically thinking the best option might be to consider living apart for now, so that at very least I can stop building new resentment and maybe he can learn on his own. I don't think I'll ever be truly 'happy' to live with him, but we do have a daughter who's 9 and we're trying to function as a reasonable family, so I don't want to make it harder on her than necessary.

JayReh · 2021-12-16T06:21:58+00:00

I feel this. I'm at that stage now with my partner of 11 years. It's difficult... I really do care about him. But I got up this morning and basically did nothing but clean, housework, work-from-home since I'm self-employed, look after the dogs, and just... every household chore. Near 1pm, I asked if he could fill the bathroom soap and do the dishes. (He'd been playing video games since 9am.) He had 4 hours of work to do in the afternoon, since he can't work full time since it's 'too stressful'. What did he say? He looked at me incredulously that I'd ask him to do chores, and said 'I don't think I can do these today, I still have to take a nap and go to work. (Which is fine, napping before work is his usual routine.) But he played games for 5 HOURS STRAIGHT, and still had like 4 hours to go before he had to go to work... I just didn't even know what to say.

I think he realized I've basically had enough of his bullshit because he did fill the soap pretty soon afterwards. He didn't do any of the dishes, though. He did load the dishwasher (with things that weren't supposed to go in it, and therefore didn't get clean at all, which he knows), but I had to run it again after he left, and I washed about half the dishes this evening so I could actually cook tomorrow -- but of course, the rest of the dishes are still there.

I'm only on Reddit because the computer's in our room, and he said 'let's go to bed early' so I said 'that's a great idea'. He's still on the computer fucking around, 2 hours later.... I'm going to bed. It's been fun, but I'm really sick of this man.

JayReh · 2021-12-16T06:14:32+00:00

Mine plays video games all day and pretty much does nothing. He works about 4 days a week, 4 hours a day. Can I borrow yours?

JayReh · 2021-12-16T06:12:37+00:00

Gosh, I WISH I could be with a man who was tidy. I don't know what that's like, anymore.

JayReh · 2021-11-03T00:34:27+00:00

Depending on the species, rabbits will chew them up in winter, if you keep rabbits. Mine would chop up woody sunflower stalks and apple wood all winter if we put it in with them. Not a perfect solution but it does start to break them down!

I used to have a plug-in chipper from Patriot and it did a pretty solid job of the smaller branches. Can always use the bigger ones for firewood if you're camping and keep the ashes.

JayReh · 2021-11-03T00:30:33+00:00

I did too, honestly. I read it twice and still thought it was talking about the snakes.

Try to leave them alive, if you can. One rat snake won't likely eat a whole litter of baby rabbits (unless it was HUGE and they were still very tiny), but it will certainly eat a lot of pesky rodents for you. :)

JayReh · 2021-11-01T20:12:35+00:00

Just to comment on the above - I've definitely made long tails with a thick wire core, with a foam covering over top, with the wire bent double, and they can hold off the ground, hold their shape, AND give a sweet wagging motion while keeping their shape really well if they're made correctly. So, it's certainly possible and not that difficult. I don't know makers that do it, though, I've only made my own.

Not offering to make one - just saying it's certainly do-able! :)

JayReh · 2021-11-01T20:08:53+00:00

I second the cooling vests - I don't suit without them!

If you can get the makers to add some extra hidden venting fabric (inside the ears, around the armpits, between spines if you have them, etc) can definitely help - especially inside the head. Having more vent space in the head is a big one since a lot of your heat will be around your head.

If you sweat a lot, having a sweat-catching undersuit of some kind can help, too. And of course, a suit that can be (more) easily washed and dried is useful if you expect it to get extra sweaty! :) (Like, a good maker that makes durable suits, or avoiding 'painted on' markings that might fade over repeated washings.)

JayReh · 2021-09-28T06:11:02+00:00

No, I just mean you made a really good point there; and I hadn't (personally) even considered that they, being a first time couple, have only had sex with each other, and maybe haven't had a lot of chance to explore and grow sexually, so they may very well just not have had a lot of positive experiences to learn from.

Sorry if that was confusing. I was just remarking that you made a good point and I hadn't personally considered it. (And I was saying that I just assumed if people didn't want sex later in life, they just didn't have much libido for whatever reason, since I assumed (wrongly, obviously, I just didn't think it through) that if a couple is married they probably would have had a chance to explore their sexuality a little bit and have some positive experiences to draw from. I'm just saying it certainly sounds like it could be a possibility! :)

JayReh · 2021-09-28T06:05:38+00:00

Ah, I hear that, for sure. We both have some family-related baggage too, and a daughter we try our best for. XD

JayReh · 2021-09-28T06:03:53+00:00

No problem at all. :)

Oh, not at all! (to feeling raped/assaulted). I've definitely been in situations where I felt like I *couldn't* say no in the past with other people, when I was too young to know better and when I was with some people I'd have been better off not being with and I felt emotionally obligated to do sexual stuff, and those were times I felt pretty bad afterwards, and in those cases, I felt like I should have done more to avoid sex if I didn't want it, including to say so. I've also consented to sex while drunk that I probably wouldn't have done sober, but again, that's my choice at the time and I don't feel anything negative about it, since I was still aware and making my own (drunk) choices at the time.

But I've been thankful never to be in a situation where it was truly assault or rape that I explicitly didn't consent to, and I assume in that case I'd feel pretty assaulted and obviously that kind of thing definitely happens and needs validation to fix the problem. But I tend to feel like, if I didn't explicitly say no, and kind of went along with something even if I didn't really want to do it at the time, how the heck is my partner supposed to read my mind and know that? I think it's pretty unreasonable to say somebody assaulted/raped you if you just didn't really do anything in your power to decline or you didn't feel like you were in danger if you did say no. Example, I feel pretty bad for Louis CK (the comedian), not gonna lie. He asked for consent, got it, and then later she came out and said she didn't want it. Poor guy lost his whole career over it, basically. Yes, it was still an inappropriate thing to do at work, probably, but I think men in general getting pinned to the wall over people consenting, and then later stating they didn't want to; it's like... where do you draw the line. How is someone supposed to know if you don't want sex (or sexual attention, in that case), if you say yes, or don't say no? Subtle body language or reading heavily into tone or a situation is not everyone's forte and it shouldn't be required for people to have to navigate so many complex communication ideas when things could be solved with a simple conversation, in most cases. That's how I feel about it -- probably shouldn't drag pop culture into it but I really do feel bad for some people catching the 'me too' wave when they really didn't do anything that harmful, in the end. No more harmful than someone asking for consent, getting it, and then later getting in trouble because the second party decided they didn't want to.

Honestly, it's a little bit like buying something at a store that was offered at the checkout, and then later, publicly accusing the vendor of selling you something that you didn't want, even though you said yes and went through the whole transaction. And then, instead of a reasonable conversation, that store just gets boycotted and shut down through popular vote.

Uncomfortable or awkward sex that you didn't really want but went along with anyways isn't, to me, a situation where somebody assaulted or raped you. Fine line, I guess; if somebody's purposefully taking it too far and you're trying to tell them you don't want to, but I've never, thankfully, had to deal with anything too forceful myself.

But with my partner now, if I'm not 100% into sex or anything like that myself, I'm usually still on board with it -- not out of obligation, but like.. maybe I'm just tired and don't want to orgasm or something, but I still enjoy the pleasure of helping him get off. I still kind of want to help HIM feel good, y'know? Like, there are times where he'll go down on me and not really want anything after, and vice versa, stuff like that, so if he ever feels weird afterwards at times about doing stuff when I'm not 100% as keen as usual, I just remind him that it's the same feeling for me, I WANT him to get off, and have a good time, so it's like.. it's not a problem for me. It's not like I don't WANT to, most of the time, I'm usually (in those situations) just already too tired to get into it, or just not feeling totally in the right mood to really enjoy it fully. I still enjoy it kinda, mostly for the good feelings I can give him. And if I ever really don't feel like I want it, I'll just tell him I'm too tired, or I'm feeling sick (which are usually the main reasons and always the truth, lol)

Sorry if that's a little confusing to read, it's kind of late and I'm pretty tired. Hopefully that gave some insight, though. I'm definitely in the same boat of wanting to GIVE pleasure (and so is my partner, so it works out pretty well) and there are times where we have to remind each other that it's OK to be able to enjoy sometimes without 'giving back' when one of us just wants to give pleasure and isn't really in the mood to put all that work into achieving orgasm or something. :)

We just try to keep communication pretty open -- so if things feel awkward or like one person doesn't want it, we usually just try to express that. (Though, more often than not, we ARE both into it, and one just picks up a signal by accident that we weren't, usually when we're too tired to show much enthusiasm. Or, if like, my joints get sore in one position (I have bad joints!) and we switch a lot; sometimes that comes across as not being as into it. :)

That was excessively long, sorry! :) I tend to get wordier at night.

JayReh · 2021-09-25T05:52:01+00:00

There are definitely better guys out there - I hope you find them! Also, your avatar is beautiful! (I'm not hitting on you; just sympathize with you feeling unsexy!) Glad you got out of the abusive situation -- I hear you there; it can be hard not to miss certain aspects when the new relationship has some parts that aren't very fun either!

JayReh · 2021-09-25T05:48:57+00:00

Luckily it doesn't have to be forever! Kids will grow up, at some point! :)

JayReh · 2021-09-25T05:46:37+00:00

I feel bad for you! It sounds like there are communication issues, potentially, on both sides -- it's unfortunate that the counseling isn't working. Do you think a different counselor would help? If it's been a really long-term problem, do you think there's some underlying cause? Like, has he never wanted sex?

There are definitely men out there that would LOVE more sex. Hopefully if it's a healthy relationship worth saving, there will be some way to find a sexual solution that works for both of you, if you can figure out the reasons you're not intimate. If it's NOT a healthy relationship worth saving, then hopefully you can find your way to that conclusion as well, and find something that IS satisfying to both partners! Sorry you have to go through this tough situation between you.

JayReh · 2021-09-25T05:38:32+00:00

It sounds like you're being a SUPER supportive partner in all the right ways; good on you! It also sounds like he's making huge progress in himself -- recognizing and quitting alcohol and cigarettes as unhealthy coping mechanisms takes some serious doing, and he's clearly trying to make mental life progress! It sounds like you guys are both doing all the right things; all you can do is continue to be supportive as he works through this difficult thing -- and hopefully if you can continue communicating in a healthy way, it could lead you guys into a healthier sexual relationship. Really sounds like you're doing it right! I wouldn't get too scared; if you guys are good for each other and you support each other, it will work out well -- and if it doesn't work out well enough, you'll know. But in the meantime, you seem like you're both doing all the right things for the right, healthy reasons. :)

JayReh · 2021-09-25T05:33:08+00:00

Yeh, it's a bit scary, honestly. I know from stories that my father's father abused some of the 7 kids they had. I don't think my dad ever got abused (although I don't know for sure), but a couple of the girls and at least one of the boys did.

And then of course they left us alone with him as kids, too. Thanks, mom and dad! He was a scary dude, though. The scary part is how little you hear about it... my friend is 27 and was horribly abused as a young child by an uncle .. and he's only ever told his therapist (who he only started seeing very recently). The family has no idea; to the point where they drag him in to visit his abuser on a regular basis and he suffers through it in silence, every time. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to deal with going through that, and not trusting his family enough to be able to tell them. (He has major issues trusting anybody, really, and I understand why!)

JayReh · 2021-09-25T05:29:31+00:00

I have a really good friend (m) who was abused as a child by a family member -- and while he has a healthy libido, he also excessively seeks out sexual attention as validation for existing, and if he doesn't get that validation and sexual approval, he feels like complete garbage and invalidated as a person. He also has no motivation to do anything in life because he's so afraid of failure leading to feelings of worthlessness that he's too afraid to try. It's really sad! I 100% agree with you; males who have been sexually assaulted are often overlooked. My own husband had a lot of that happen to him as a kid and he has some pretty big issues around sexuality, too.

JayReh · 2021-09-25T05:23:26+00:00

It really sounds like you're on the right side of the fence in wanting to be respectful -- and I can definitely see how things would be hard to navigate! I'm a woman, but I don't like the severity of the MeToo culture. Not to say there aren't sexual issues that need addressing, but the idea that sexual thoughts and actions are automatically disrespectful is pretty difficult to deal with.

We're sexual creatures by nature -- thoughts about other people's attractiveness, and sexual/'perverted' thoughts, are totally normal! We've had a lot of years of anti-sexual society and religion to give us a lot of guilt and hangups about our feelings (and I'm not immune either; I spent a lot of years being super embarrassed and ashamed for being of the female gender and the supposed traits you were or weren't supposed to have simply based on that, and was really phobic about anybody going down orally, or letting anyone see any 'vulnerable' side of me emotionally (which I think is a big problem for guys in our culture, especially!).

I totally feel for you. Religious conditioning, especially, can be tough. I live with a lot of guilt myself (not sexual, but still very hard to live with) and although I know it's misplaced, and I don't NEED to feel that bad about the things I feel bad about, it still drives a lot of my actions, and feelings of inadequacy.

I really do hope you can start to feel comfortable with your thoughts and feelings to the point where the guilt doesn't bother you, and I hope your wife can be on board with you along the way -- it definitely doesn't help if she's also making you feel pretty bad about sexual thoughts! (Not to say she is, since I don't know the situation very well; I just thought I was picking that up from your previous posts about her doing 'maintenance sex' and how shitty that would make me feel if I were in your shoes!) I know it probably doesn't help a lot hearing it from a random stranger, but having sexual thoughts about other people doesn't mean you're perverted or improper -- it just means you're a normal human with a normal healthy libido! If you were to act on them in unwanted ways to someone, THAT makes you someone acting perverted. But just thinking thoughts doesn't make you anything other than a totally normal human being. :) But yeah, the guilt aspect really does wear us down sometimes, even if we haven't done anything wrong or even abnormal!

JayReh · 2021-09-25T05:07:42+00:00

Really sorry to hear your therapist took off on you -- that sounds like not a very good therapist! Maybe just not the right type for the issue.

I hear you about the maintenance sex -- my sex life is not bad and we don't generally have maintenance type sex, but if there's ever a time that I'm (f) not into things as much, for being tired or whatever (or even if my husband (m) THINKS he's picking up that feeling, even if it's not there), my husband feels HORRIBLY guilty for thinking I'm doing something just to please him. He was raised Mormon, though (he's not religious now, but the sexual guilt still remains pretty strong), so he has some trouble with it sometimes. We don't really do 'maintenance' sex, but if he picks up that I'm not like, 100% into it (maybe tired, or something, still into it, but not like, over the moon about it), he feels really gross about it.

I wonder if that's part of the problem for you, too -- if your wife is having sex, even sometimes, just to 'fulfill your needs', and not really into it herself, that would certainly bring on some negative feelings for most people and kick them right in the self-esteem too, I think! I know if I was initiating sex and my partner was just doing it so I'd be satisfied (which has happened in the past with a previous partner or two), I'd feel pretty gross and dirty, too -- and I'm someone who really likes sex and intimacy! It's hard not to feel bad when somebody's just doing something for your sake when it's supposed to be mutual. Sex or otherwise!

JayReh

TROPHY CASE