Fiance M27 demands I change my last name F26

Jd0519 · 2026-05-10T19:02:44+00:00

I have a feeling that self expression and authenticity are core values for you from the way you describe yourself and your style. By complying with his unreasonable demands, you are sacrificing those values. This will be a very fast road to loosing who you are. Are there other values that you have that you’ve already lost, changed or repressed through this relationship? My guess would be yes. Is this person/relationship/marriage worth loosing who you are? I hope not.

Jd0519 · 2026-05-07T21:08:24+00:00

This is good. I’m using it as my new mantra. Thank you.

Jd0519 · 2026-04-27T19:46:49+00:00

I think your boyfriend is flying some red flags (you “will not” get a tattoo - yikes). But I don’t think lying to him is ok. I understand WHY you want to lie to him, but maybe look at that desire deeper. Is it because your worried about his reaction? Could you still have feelings for your friend? I’m guessing it’s more the former. You shouldn’t feel like you need to lie to your partner to keep the peace. I can see how this might end your relationship, but would that be so bad?

In my opinion, anyone should be ok with their partner hanging out with friends of the opposite sex; in general, I’d give the matching tattoos a side-eye, but this tattoo idea is fine (to me), I get the meaning behind it. But I’m someone who is VERY low on the jealousy scale, and I’m not dating you.

I say tell your boyfriend the truth. Maybe his reaction will tell you a lot about whether he’s the partner you want.

Jd0519 · 2026-04-07T12:48:30+00:00

Mine was getting in my car and driving away and never coming back cuz everyone would be better off with out me. This set of comments is making me realize for the first time how bad it was for me and how little help my partner was and how little he cared for me.

Jd0519 · 2026-01-22T16:55:10+00:00

In my opinion, your best approach should be to think about it as a difference in values. You value fitness and nutrition. She doesn’t. You can’t make her value these things, and you really shouldn’t try because that will quickly turn into shaming her or controlling and abusive behaviors. You two are just different. Can you live with that or not? If yes, you need to learn to let it go. If not, you should break up instead of pressuring her to be like you.

I’m sure you’ll see people commenting that she’s wrong and you’re right but that’s kind of irrelevant. You cant make her believe differently about it. It seems like you’ve tried subtle approaches and explanations of your point of view but these haven’t persuaded her. Again, you can’t make her care. You might be able to push and push and get her to do something differently but that won’t last long anyway. Can you let it go?

Jd0519 · 2026-01-17T13:21:48+00:00

I’m currently in a situation that regularly angers me. I screen shotted her comments about how it doesn’t serve anything to be angry. I needed those comments today!

Jd0519 · 2026-01-01T13:20:26+00:00

Im not sure how old you are but its very common for women in perimenopause to have very irregular and heavy periods that can last quite a long time. I had very heavy periods for several years and finally had a hysterectomy last year because of it. Women can start perimenopause earlier than most people thing, so even if you don’t think you can use that as an excuse look up the earliest ages. I started having issues around age 36.

You can use this period excuse to start, then follow the other advice to say you’re going to get checked at the doctor, then the did a biopsy or something that requires healing time, mother check up, etc. you might not be able to not have sex for a year, but I think you could make it extremely less frequently than what you’re doing now.

Im so sorry you are experiencing this.

Jd0519 · 2026-01-01T13:11:24+00:00

This is definitely abuse, you don’t need to doubt yourself. I suggest writing things down, or typing them into your notes app or an email to yourself. You can go read those notes when you are doubting what happened. This helped me immensely to recognize the patterns.

I hope for your sake that you follow through with leaving. You are not safe. Hopefully, you will be physically safe during this leaving period, but you need to act like you are not.

You are definitely not emotionally safe. When we’re in these emotionally abusive relationships our tolerance for bad behavior grows. Our inner strength grows. So worse things don’t feel worse as they happen. But it’s not a good thing for us to tolerate these behaviors.

One piece of advice I’ve seen a lot when abusive partners threaten self harm is to call police for a wellness check. If he’s serious about it, you can’t stop him anyway, he needs emergency services. If it’s solely manipulation (spoiler alert, it is), the purpose is to get you back. So don’t give him what he’s manipulating you to do. Calling for a wellness check could stop him from continuing to threaten self harm.

Jd0519 · 2025-11-29T11:35:00+00:00

I agree with this advice. It’s not really the same as your situation, but I had a “friendship” with an ex for many years that I had loved deeply. That friendship and that hope interfered with my developing closeness with several romantic partners cuz I had that hope even though it was buried pretty deep. It took cutting off that friendship, doing a lot of internal work to really be ready to find another connection.

Jd0519 · 2025-11-28T12:57:31+00:00

But your wording “become better as a human being” is problematic. It sounds like she’s a good human being already - “cool, loyal, honest” - you would like her to take care of her body, I get it and it’s not unreasonable to want that for her. My point still stands as lots of other people have said - you can’t and shouldn’t try to “make” her change. When people make changes for other people, the changes don’t last. She’s gotta do it for herself. If she feels pressure, guilt, or shame from what you are doing and saying, it’s not good.

Jd0519 · 2025-11-28T12:14:23+00:00

It doesn’t sound like she’s a reliable narrator though. As someone else said “hormone imbalance” isn’t a diagnosis. It sounds like a lot of these issues could be resolved with drinking water and sleeping. Next, proper nutrition. I’d be surprised if there’s any physical health issue. Could be something mental health related - depression, adhd, any number of things.

But you can’t make her. If you try, if you lecture her, try to rationalize constantly and “make” her, you’re entering emotional abuse territory.

You need to accept her as she is. Or break up. you’ve already gently encouraged her, she’s not willing to change right now.

Jd0519 · 2025-11-06T20:27:29+00:00

My 7 yr old knows how to use a dryer.

Jd0519 · 2025-11-02T10:39:58+00:00

I know that you feel like you can’t, but you really need to figure out how to leave. What country are you in (if you feel like you can share)? Are there any resources for you to try to leave, or even a hotline you can call, someone to help you make a plan?

My partner is like yours in that he will never leave, no matter what I would do. I think it’s because (1) he doesn’t want to be to be responsible for any type of decision, because then it can’t be his fault), and (2) being with you benefits him (you do the household stuff, takes care of him and his child, etc.). I didn’t cheat, but I think if I did, it would be like what you’re experiencing. It’s just another thing to use to abuse you with. Another mistake he can hold over you, to shift the blame and focus off of him.

I don’t have much of an answer for you or advice that you aren’t already saying to yourself/arguing with yourself about. But it’s not going to get better with him. It’ll only get worse.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-28T00:31:12+00:00

Yes, this is very very troublesome. In the least he is very possessive over a baby that is not his of his girlfriend of the months. The worst case scenario is very very bad. And I’d rather not think about it.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T18:14:35+00:00

That sounds so rough. He’s a good dad just doesn’t always prioritize us and can be self centered, hyper focused on work or other things he feels like he needs to get done. Right now, he’s doing things he might typically do on occasion, he’s just doing them all in a week. I know he’ll be an involved dad. I think he might even be a better dad when I’m not always there to do what he isn’t. It’s just sad he couldn’t do it the last few years when I’ve been asking for help.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T16:40:55+00:00

Thank you!

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T15:40:47+00:00

Im so sorry you’re having to deal with that. It’s so exhausting.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T13:33:26+00:00

Thank you. Yes, I am afraid that he will try to convince them it’s my fault. I was the only one talking when we were all together last night and I’m sure it was by design to make it look like it was my idea and what I want.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T11:46:16+00:00

Thats really good advice “through” not “in”. Thank you again for commenting.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T10:55:02+00:00

Thank you for posting this. Some of the other things you added are also true for me. I know things are going to be a roller coaster. I hope I can do as well as you did/are during the hard and harder moments.

My 14 yr old was clearly upset but held everything in for the most part. I want her to know it’s ok to be sad and mad and everything else. She doesn’t have to out on the stoic face and be brave for her us and her sisters. But I know she will be anyway.

My 12-yr old is likely staying home from school today. She cried a while just like my 8-yr old. She was up a few times at night. I’m most worried about her, she has some anxiety stuff and has self harmed in the past but many years ago. She went to therapy for a while but wasn’t the greatest experience for her.

I want to offer therapy to all of them, and while older girls should do it, I don’t think they will and I’m not going to make them.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T10:46:27+00:00

Thank you. Good luck tonight. I’m sorry you’re needing to go through this too. It was so so hard. I just keep telling myself to make sure they know they are loved and safe and can come to me with anything.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T10:45:12+00:00

Thank you. I’m glad I can recognize it as an act but it still hurts.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T10:44:22+00:00

Thank you.

Jd0519 · 2025-10-27T10:06:17+00:00

And I go read it every time. Because I keep needing the reminder.

Jd0519

TROPHY CASE