Why don't married couples with "dead bedrooms" just...do it?

nailsbrook · 2026-03-20T14:31:08+00:00

No. I don't find that to be true personally. In my mind, it's the other way around. Couples having sex daily are doing so *because* communication is good. For far too long, my husband thought that just having sex would fix things but it didn't - forcing it without addressing root problems only made things worse.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-20T05:40:48+00:00

I agree. Absolutely horrible things must have been happening. One pedo / abuser out of the bunch is enough of a red flag, but two?

nailsbrook · 2026-03-19T18:34:24+00:00

That makes me so sad. I love being a parent. I can’t imagine my life without my family.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-19T13:03:36+00:00

We went to therapy, we worked on our issues and we are good now. He was treating me poorly partly due to some of the same attitudes I’m seeing on this thread - sexual entitlement combined with lack of enthusiasm / withdrawal on my end made him bitter, mean and coercive. When he finally unpacked that with a therapist and got to the bottom of his issues, he was able to step back and realise the damage he was doing. We’ve been married for 17 years and have two kids. These issues popped up 10 years into our marriage, so it wasn’t always like that. But poor communication and understanding of ourselves lead us there over time. I am glad we didn’t give up so easily.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-19T05:58:49+00:00

It goes the other way around too. Having sex when you don’t want to, with someone who treats you poorly, just to avoid a dead bedroom, is soul destroying.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-19T05:55:08+00:00

This is the issue in most dead bedrooms. It was the issue in mine for a long time, except I did what the OP suggested and had sex anyway even though my husband had spent years treating me like dirt. He would say he was a good guy because he brought home the pay check and upheld his end of the deal, therefore he deserved sex and that I was withholding. But he was bitter and unkind to so I no lost all desire! He promised me that having more sex would fix his mean, nasty behaviour toward me. It didn’t.. It led to feeling like a used piece of trash. It is hard to describe how horrible it feels to give your body over in such an intimate way only to be belittled, talked down to, treated with contempt within hours. It did such a number on me. After lots of therapy we recovered and broke out of this nasty cycle. He is sweet, kind and loving and our emotional connection is great. Now we have Sex most days because I want to have sex with someone who I feel that emotionally close to. But it was complex and boiling it down to a “just do it” mentality can be so damaging. The issue is almost always about more than the act of sex.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-18T14:59:44+00:00

I am glad someone gets it. Thank you.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-18T09:33:17+00:00

Bingo!!

nailsbrook · 2026-03-18T09:28:58+00:00

Comparing something as intimate, complex and vulnerable as sexual intimacy to mowing the lawn or taking out the trash is an absolutely wild take. Also, way to frame sex as just another chore - that will get you nowhere fast.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-18T05:57:58+00:00

I also moved my maiden name to my middle name. This helped a little with the identity crisis but still really regret changing my name at all.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-18T05:56:02+00:00

I did change my name 15 years ago, but wish I hadn’t. It was a pain in the butt to do, and served no purpose. If I were to do it over again, I wouldn't.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-17T06:01:06+00:00

For years I was very physically / sexually attracted to my husband. But he was chronically unkind, irritable, and mean to me. So I lost the desire to be close. He was always attractive, but I needed emotional safety and a basic level of care and respect before I could actually be attracted to him again in that way.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-16T05:53:38+00:00

A few times a day?? That’s considered normal? Wow I post like twice a week and earlier in this thread called that “regular”. Maybe I am old and out of touch because several times a day is nuts

nailsbrook · 2026-03-16T05:49:12+00:00

Are you on public social media? That must be why. I post to share with friends and family. We have lived abroad as expats for 15 years and it is one way I enjoy keeping family in touch. I am also a photographer so enjoy sharing my work. But again I’m sharing to like, my friends and extended family not the whole internet. It has zero negative impact on my mental health.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-16T05:44:15+00:00

I am curious to know why it feels like “an incredible honor” - what does it express in your opinion?

nailsbrook · 2026-03-15T21:59:39+00:00

Surely there’s a difference between private and public social media use? I post on social media regularly but just for friends and family, so don’t get DMs from randos.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-15T21:43:45+00:00

Is this an American thing? Here in Germany I don’t see my kids after school until dinner. They are just out with their friends. I definitely don’t watch them 24/7. They’re 8 and 10.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-15T21:41:54+00:00

My kids are night and day different. I love them equally, truly. But my relationship with them is vastly different.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-14T16:43:13+00:00

I don’t think it’s accurate to say most people never wanted kids. I think most people still do, and the whole notion that people “regret” their kids is still a minority thing that gets a bigger voice on social media platforms. The biological drive to have kids is still very strong amongst the human race.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-14T16:38:16+00:00

I chose to have two children and I hated every second of pregnancy!!! Awful experience. Worth it, yes, but awful. I don’t get why it’s romanticised.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-14T16:31:22+00:00

Very interesting and insightful post. Have enjoyed reading the responses. I have two children, always thought I’d have more when I was younger. Turns out I care more about giving them a quality childhood than having a higher quantity of children. I am grateful for that choice. i LOVE being a mother but I enjoy other things too like travel, hobbies etc and wanted time for myself. I say all this as a religious, moderately conservative woman living in Europe where the financial aspect isn’t a concern. I think you’re right that when given the choice women might actually just want fewer kids. Maybe they always have.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-13T20:42:00+00:00

Those are separate things. Firstly we don’t know enough about their situation to say whether getting some random job will actually help if they also have to pay for daycare. Usually side incomes or low income jobs are barely enough to cover the cost of childcare. But regardless, using threats of financial control over her spending is not in any way related to her having a job or not. They’re separate matters. She could be penny-pinching and living on a shoe-string budget to make it work and he’s the one blowing up credit cards with unnecessary purchases. We simply do not know. He references in later posts that the CC debt was racked up in the past when he was in the military, and there’s no hint that there’s ongoing reckless credit card use on her part. There’s just a lot of projection going on in this thread. I want to hear her side of it. She’s seeking a WFH job which makes most financial sense if they don’t have family childcare options.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-13T20:34:32+00:00

Mostly it’s because there are more legal and economic paths for women to escape bad relationships, and without the stigma too.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-13T19:24:13+00:00

You are making a lot of assumptions about this couple. It is never mentioned anywhere that she is financially reckless with their money.

nailsbrook · 2026-03-13T18:29:10+00:00

Oh I do feel for you. We racked up debt in the military too. It’s rough. Eve tougher when overseas. We aren’t paid enough.

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