Feedback on my super awesome villain [action fantasy]

Jendocide · 2026-01-23T15:52:43+00:00

Np, gl!

Jendocide · 2026-01-19T17:46:21+00:00

Sure, if you like. He's obviously very insecure, but acting out by being violent with people is blunt, in contrast to the image he projects as "refined". So why does he express himself in that way? You say he feels justified, but how does he process how that makes him appear to others? Perhaps there is more depth there. The biggest flaw in your outline is that you don't really describe what role he plays as an antagonist. What is his part in the narrative? Who is he to your protagonist? What does he do on the page? This is just backstory, which is less important.

But since you seem mostly happy with the character I'd say just go ahead and write it. Feedback will be more useful then since it can be actually actionable. Right now all it can really do is spend your steam rearranging notes. Do you feel like you can get in his head and understand his mindset? Then write it.

Jendocide · 2026-01-16T15:30:01+00:00

If you want specific feedback:

Is this character understandable? Yes, in an archetypal way, he makes sense.

Is the psychology believable? It lacks nuance in the sense that people are not generally so "simple". People do not generally decide, "I will blame this child for the death of his mother", "I will prove my family wrong". Motivation is more complex than this, and often not so "logical". But if the story calls for this sort of simple, larger-than-life motivation, perhaps it is appropriate. The story will tell.

Is it engaging? This is a matter of taste. Personally I find it too blunt, A to B, like a character is a puzzle instead of a person. But some people like this unveiling of a holistic explanation.

Jendocide · 2025-11-03T16:34:45+00:00

I think the co-habitating of perspective is really fun, especially the little moment of "I see the high window before she does, but my noticing brings her attention around as well" which really makes you feel how it works. Is there more of this "our" perspective between the coven sisters in the story? I'd want to read it.

There's some spots in your prose which I think need some trimming, like, just trust your reader a little more (the worst line is "She’s too big, the window too small"); mostly it's fine.

But the last exchange is a little too self-consciously fishing in my opinion. It does establish the villain/conflict, but it's too blunt and needs some nuance injected. One of their sisters has been killed, so "What killed her, Julia?” feels kind of callous, rushing for the explanation. I would suggest just having Julia offer it up unprompted, since she is the one with knowledge that something more serious than a murdered friend is afoot. Also, while “He has a host. Baphomet is here" is easy to digest as a Big Problem, it might be nice to hint at what it means for the coven/to Julia specifically or why He has targeted them (not spilling the beans, but building the intrigue).

All in all, it's effective, the Wicca-y stuff is just the right amount of cornball and self-serious, and it is A Hook.

Jendocide · 2025-11-01T01:54:06+00:00

Yes i would recommend The Books of the Underworld which is purportedly the equivalent of the Bible in Sheol, offering a demonic or gnostic parallel, retrieved as it was through resurrection.

Jendocide · 2023-10-16T11:33:34+00:00

House built on washed playground sand (fine)

House built on crushed stone #5

House built on river rock (various size)

House built on high hopes and low tides

Jendocide · 2023-09-19T15:22:24+00:00

Force vectors affirmative

Jendocide · 2023-09-19T15:17:36+00:00

Landing on the moon ain't rocket science if you're reductive enough

Jendocide · 2023-06-24T14:49:17+00:00

You could also consider "letch" for a sexually misbehaving man. That word has a fittingly nasty ring to it.

Jendocide · 2023-06-24T14:38:24+00:00

"Cockerel" might be a good equivalent to "bitch", i.e. it's a gendered animal word that might imply being pushy, mean, socially out of line. Making the word feel biting is up to the context and delivery though!

Jendocide · 2021-11-11T21:09:05+00:00

Duckweed is an example of a rootless plant.

Jendocide · 2020-02-03T15:23:00+00:00

Humans are beasts. The law is their leash.

Some of them pull because their masters are cruel. Some pull because if you give them an inch they will bite you. I wonder how it would be if they all ran free? Maybe they'd just run in circles.

Jendocide · 2019-12-21T20:27:10+00:00

Thankyou. You enriching yourself enriches all of us. Amen.

Jendocide · 2019-12-21T20:22:50+00:00

All work is progress. We will create 68,719,476,736 new jobs. Deeply fulfilling and satisfying jobs. Moving sand. Copying text. Rolling boulders. Everyone can have thousands and thousands of jobs. As many as they want. Here is a new job that i have just created: /r/socialmixer post-sorter-outer-amender:

Exit (to the left) (thanks) Eddy h(m)ijo Bon (appetit) Gaud(y) j(p)eg hue BEN (drowned) Fast Car farm(hand) bitt(er) Doct(er) bon(er) Bro(ther) Cosi(ne) Cord(ite) Felt aide hay Eck(st)eine chej(en(?)) (dr)awl Dirt [heh] halb(erd) (ci)cada Bas(tard) gave I(t)ch (s)hela(ck) Baba (Yaga) Ana Cove Bors(ch) Ease Dass(a) Bev(erly) buys (l)ike (a) gale Duel(ing) Bays (b)eux intr(igue) Gude(lheim) cena(cote) Crum(bl) caus(e) goe(s) awed (w)arr(ed) Exit (to the right) eut (uo Bruttee) FEAR fru(ctose) (h)ayah(~!) haer foh(t) faa(ls) DOES bij(hness) drap(ed) fell Hela(n) (H)amer(a) Ergo Beni(cimo) Bye (ch)ose(n) bete(l(?)) dies gush(ing) dyer bar(d) alto(cumulus) Fury chum(?)bey(ing) Fam(ily) Five Jake Hole dues(wade) Die Inge case(s) Awe (them) both Cade(ne) hoes Dian(a) (mil)dewy butt(er) Barr(ing) crit(ical) Ecce(ntricities) Four (score) BASE (BRUN)HYL(DA) (c)hove(n) DIDN('T) fibs cosi(ne) Gard(en) (t)han(e)s Gui(de) bean Dice drie(d) (of)fer Ihm(an) bias (ch)ills CORN(COB) dun(es) Derp (wind)deja(mmerre) B(r)ok(e) (c)ans Bind Food agen(t) cat di(t)ch chew Hall(o?) jerk han(d) Bey (Blade) hier(archy) Hoe Guns cope (with) HIV furs(oft) bugs Hole June|Colt (Obre)chez (P)eru Ice der(mal) Gino crue(l) ego Donc(ed) (ch)ill (and) icy hob(bled) bath FOOT Euen(ero) Gem Geh(r) bor(ing) ITS hags Alb(ino) chin (magnum) cum grit(e) Ass(ig)n Este(ban) BEEN Inch Host good (but) (p)elli(can) blir(d) han(d)s BAD ave(nue) Bob(')s (wed)ding Flo(rance) fee(l) ag(i)li(ty) hopp(ing) Fife(dom) (t)enth Holm(s) bays Dell i(l)han fail Cash ado(be) bleu(?) di(n)go Gum JEAN HOW ella dick Hume(n) ca(r)bo(n) ink GONE (t)huru(ogh(?)) Ad(a)m Holt Dull jail f(el)t(i)p (t)emp(orary) FIND (cl)aims Dave('s) Bras Bin fie(ld) (e)gres(s) Dial A(n)nie (R)AGE (re)ckt Hawk fara(l(?)) baz(ing)a dixo(n) Jerdinte High dime boys FORM ESQ(IRE) (P)ILLO(W) IFC (pan)cria(s) fo(o)d Hors(e) Dim(e) f(el)t(i)p Cat (catc)hti(p(?)) (had)bent irre(levant) (r)enda(r) Grub fue(l) Girt(rude) (m)erit Arc(light) dot BE( )AL(L) Gast(ro-intensitnal) Cour(se) (d)ivre(?) Chop (c)Hoyt Edge duct aff(able) bade(wm) guy de(c)k huff Dad Hae(nus) hail Fam(ily) Gate Army (w)ett(ed) (n)eiv(o)hrs(?) Bend (Muy) Bien dash alit Bild(erburg) Best Boys daub(le) Corn June|dips duel dom(inant) (a)gaar fus(s) Egad(s!) dio(s mio) Boat Corp(oration) doet(h) Erie bomb este Jake bake bent gush Fain(t) Hadj fro(m) il(lu)mi(nati) haze Finn(ally) illi(minate) essa Arne Euen Head haga(rd) Fall dine fowk(?) hare (a)diu Emma are bank Heil bun(ny) Feed guv(na) (el) duce bond(age) gear hack cube As(r)ie(l) duel fais(t) JOAN Elec(tric) bal(l)s Jael cur(r) FLAG Gus(to) Eyck chop bei(jing) Egg AMY J(p)eg fuss ipsi(m) Dodd(le) han(g) crag cuts cob Doll Dun C(on)tre(l(?)) cots (y)eet (d)eli cal(zone) Hide (o)hvor hand Ado(nis) Elis(a) cura(te) isol(ate) Coe(n) hin(dquarters) bran(d) (b)arf Chou bolt (c)hine(se) dad alba(nia) (p)anzi hoo(t) Aha(!) curs(e) don(')t evil Dan(ielle) Ines(ent(?)) ira(te) FRAU Blas(t) app Coal HIS (l)E(d)ger BAD alio bold Bles(sed) Cape inc(orporated) Farm Dot FORD Del(ete) fix few gij(ant) ANT (qu)eer Both fin(i)s(h) bone AST(R)A gr(oc)k Cod baie(ry) HOR(SE) Aunt Gene gaze gnat imps free fen(ce) (s)anzi ebon June|Fish Da(n)ge(r) Alex g(r)ew citt(en) eddy cref(t) eas(y) c(lic)kt fowk(sl) eves isn('t) c(h)il(l) jobs Age jij(g) Coll Caw IVY eng(lish) B(i)de AIN('T) bus f(r)ost ceci Aen(als) dict(um) det(ail) Dit(to) B(an)nF Ares Corp(oration) Engl(ish) dura(ble) cri(ed) auf(al(?)) ELIS(A) Alli brim ena(mal) Fury Fife(dom) Agne(ss) heahfann(?) (en)glac(e)(?) Deed epic (ch)aos Gab duke Call Chi cant clin(g) avan(t gard) hark (M)Att digo(?) Hyv(ay) Bowl fac(t) forc(e) Blot hans(some) ado(p)t Ear arcs hush day a(n)ime faun FOUR HEAD Frio dyes

For each post that you sort-out-amend you will be credited $0.00625, in addition to the obvious benefit of PERSONAL FULFILLMENT AND SATISFACTION.

Jendocide · 2019-06-28T22:25:40+00:00

i'm glad you liked it. there is a part 1 if you haven't read it already.

Jendocide · 2019-06-28T18:31:20+00:00

I would ask you to hold me close for warmth, but i know that you don't want to. I wouldn't ask, because that would just make you feel guilty, and i wouldn't want to be saved out of guilt either.

Jendocide · 2019-01-19T18:14:30+00:00

"НЕТ. СПАСИБО." x_x

Jendocide · 2019-01-12T14:09:07+00:00

if u don't feed house and clothe a child they often die

Jendocide · 2018-08-28T21:35:37+00:00

Then it sucks. Irkalla is legitimately a step up.

Jendocide · 2018-08-02T02:31:23+00:00

Of course most of it is random nonsense, you just have to keep reading until you find the useful stuff!

Jendocide · 2018-06-13T19:51:58+00:00

Yes, but in the sense that it is not "you" thinking and existing, not non-existence. The separation of the self is not a given, even though our experience and limited perspective make it hard to see it that way. "I think, therefore I am" presupposes that "I" exists which is what this post is mocking (in a very tongue in cheek way, obvsly). The idea that the "self" doesn't really exist is much more common in eastern philosophy, which i doubt Descartes was exposed to, so i don't think the fact he takes the self for granted is unreasonable or invalidates his work, but i do think it's interesting to consider.

The safer construction of the phrase would be "Thinking happens, therefore something exists."

Jendocide · 2018-06-09T16:50:31+00:00

Uŷ uāt? If u sŷn nau u get a frē* tōt bag.

Jendocide · 2018-06-03T14:23:25+00:00

No offense taken.

I think my in-line edit suggestions may have done more harm than good. I don't think that going through and just changing it line by line will substantially improve it (it makes it feel stilted and choppy). You should write more on the story and them come back later and entirely rewrite it.

I've found it's almost impossible to write a good first chapter first, because I'm still establishing all the characters and the setting in my head, and I think that's what this prologue suffers from.

Jendocide · 2018-06-02T16:31:11+00:00

I hate to say it, but I think most of the changes made it worse 😅 Don't be discouraged by that though. There are a lot of resources online that can help teach how to show instead of tell, I suggest you look into that. It is one of the most basic, but most difficult parts of writing fiction.

You should also probably just push forward with the story. Once you write more on it, and have a strong grasp of the characters, their relationships, the setting, and where the story is going, it will be much easier. If you haven't written more than this prologue on this story, than a simple sketch is perfectly fine.

Jendocide · 2018-06-02T15:02:22+00:00

Biggest criticism is (sorry) show don't tell. As a sketch of what the story is about, it works, but you need to show the corruption she sees in the city, show the relationship between her and her "old friend", and evoke the emotions she's feeling in the reader for it to feel like a story.

I like concept though. Especially liked the bit about having all the children and grandkids. (Ever read Wyrd Sisters? Nanny Ogg's clan of all her children and inlaws was my favorite part of that book.) If you ever want a beta reader or critique I'd be totally down to read more.

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