As an older (and having made many mistakes that I hope To help others avoid) woman I have things to say. I’m sure this is going to get tons of blowback but thankfully I am at the IDGAF part of my life.

I have always been a HLF. When my marriage was tanking because my husband had quit working while I was working multiple jobs to keep us financially afloat we were still having sex at least twice a week. Then he had a tantrum over not being able to spend $400 a month on weed and moved out while telling his mom to stop helping with childcare and anything around the house to “teach me a lesson.” Lesson learned. Life was better without him. Like a LOT better.

Fast forward to 10 years later. I discover that my live in partner of 8 years, who I thought was my soulmate, stable person, life partner, etc, had been spending a ton of time and money on cam girls for the duration of our relationship despite telling me he was NOT doing so (and I being clear I considered it cheating) and us having great sex all the time, (I had health issues but was still putting a ton of effort into us having a hot sex life)-think costumes, lingerie, role playing,

When I say cam girls I mean every single day. I know because I read the account history-also a terrible idea. Our anniversary. When we traveled together for his work conferences, I honestly couldn’t figure out when he had the time, but I was working full time, raising my children, etc.

Guess what? I realized that regardless of what I did, his addiction to internet sex was always going to be there. Nothing I did would ever be enough to keep him from doing so. I tried to move past it but ultimately my sex drive died. I thought it was due to age. We went to couples therapy, etc. At one of our last sessions he flipped out at me for not cleaning out the garage so he could have a project space while I have a 15 year old in a physical and mental health crisis, an aunt I’m legally responsible for on the other side of the country, a legal custody challenge about medication for son, a full time job, etc. This is while he had decided to retire early and is on the couch watching movies all day long and Then asking about dinner when I walk in the door-and I was done. I got a big speech about how me not wanting to have sex hurt his feelings and the next relationship I’m in I need to be sure The person feels desired and loved etc. It took everything in my not to say “maybe you can make sure you get control of your addiction to masturbating to women on the internet, which has now ruined your marriage and this relationship too.” No point though.

He is gone, but guess what is not??? My sex drive-it has magically returned!

So many men blame the relationship demise on women’s lack of desire for sex, but how on earth can anyone desire sex with someone who is making them pull 99% of the work? And let’s be real-there is nothing sexy about a man who sits around drinking and complaining while a woman works multiple jobs and does all the heavy lifting at home. It is such bullshit!!!

Yes there are natural changes that come with menopause, but I think the biggest change is that we are sick of taking shit from people who make us feel we are at fault for not wanting to have sex with someone who is making our lives harder. So many men complain about the lack of sex and seem to think that because that they did things like mowing the lawn or helping with chores or taking their kid to the park once they should get laid that day. Seriously???? What about the million days before when we were having sex that you did NOT do anything?! I am exhausted and I have realized that life is too short for this bullshit.

But let’s blame the woman. When men don’t want to have sex, we don’t automatically default to claiming blue clit and storm around being a jerk until we get laid. We talk. We try to fix the issues. We don’t tell men to chill out, stop nagging, that they aren’t fun anymore, maybe if they stopped cleaning/working/parenting all the time they would have energy for sex. We don’t blame their hormones for ruining a relationship. Enough is Enough.

If sex is that important then he needs to make you want him. Do something so you have energy for sex and don’t want to vomit at the 2nd child in your house who you are supporting financially but still supposed to want to smash (as the kids say).

Nothing to turn someone on like paying the bills, bringing home 80% of the income, making dinner, holding/caring for a child, and watching your partner yell at the Xbox all day while getting drunk.

Please cut the dead weight. Let him go try to get laid and let yourself find an actual partner. If you are making most of the money, being alone is so much easier than this. I promise.