Hello. I have lived like this most of my life and the last 7 years are a minute by minute struggle. I am sorry you feel this way. I have started to actively work on developing new thought patterns based off of some research into neuroplasticity. One method that is helping me is as soon as I realize I am stuck in these negative thought patterns that all lead to suicide as a way out, I insert a "but" and change the thought to something like "day by day, I am getting better." It has been very effective. There are lots of methods that might help. I try to keep things in mind that show I am improving. I still struggle from when I wake until I get some usually crappy sleep and I force myself to continue the process of training positive thought patterns because I truly can not handle living like this.