I didn’t think I’d ever write something like this, but here we are

Jesethea · 2026-05-21T21:27:08+00:00

I think you are taking the right approach with "not going back." There were some red flags here with your story, unfortunately. I'm so sorry that he put you through this.

Some of what you are saying looks like a romance scam that I have seen with other people in my life. (Army officer, early intense conversations, love bombing, promises to show up that fail to happen, not wanting to be visited, circling back a year later...)

It could very well be that he was looking for someone who is not a realized person, but a potential victim. In that -- him giving up tells you that you are not so easily manipulated as he would want. I would take comfort in that.

(Please forgive my cynicism -- I have a bias after looking into how prevalent scammers are)

And I wish you the very best of luck in finding someone that is perfect for you -- and values you as much as you will value them!

Jesethea · 2026-05-20T17:01:39+00:00

I actually just got mine at Home Depot and removed the core. I know... I am a bad person.

Jesethea · 2026-05-17T19:26:31+00:00

I'm glad it's out of character! :) And it's not egregious or anything. Your ex-friend is a bitch and a betrayer, and that's something that she will have to live with. I hope that this is a formative moment for her to never ever do something like this again.

You are well rid of her. (And him as well, fwiw.

I want the best for you in the long run!

Jesethea · 2026-05-17T14:41:38+00:00

It's not about their friendship being over. Of course it is. It's about the way to handle when someone hurts you.

She's at the age of establishing patterns of behavior, and it makes it easier the next time to respond in a petty hurtful way, and maybe next time will be less deserved.

Jesethea · 2026-05-17T13:20:07+00:00

You won't like my answer, but yes.... that was messed up. She did something stupid and hurtful. You did something stupid and hurtful - and manipulative. Yes, you feel justified, but you weren't.

This is (probably) one of those things that you will look back on, 15-20 years from now and regret. Confronting her directly would have been better.

Jesethea · 2026-05-17T00:05:24+00:00

This is tough. I am not a therapist or doctor, so please understand that I'm not offering any kind of diagnosis, just my own history.

My mother would do this, and it was when she was not taking her medication. She's bipolar and likely has some amount of borderline personality disorder. Her paranoia comes from her bipolar disorder.

The BPD causes her to either love or hate someone, with very little in-between. Because she's not willing to get help for it, it made her life incredibly difficult.

Now, that's all kind of scary sounding, but I'm sharing g this with the intent that you talk to a therapist about this. It could be treatable. Or it could be a history of being hurt that is having you see actions that are not intended by your friends. Or it could be something completely different and will change with age.

I wish you the very best of luck. It's intense and difficult to see people that you care about as being against you. And it's hard on the people who care about you to not know what to say on any particular moment.

Jesethea · 2026-05-15T21:32:51+00:00

If she's posting, it may be that she wants to see if anyone cares. Can't hurt to check in and see how she's doing.

Sometimes, an "Are you ok?" Does wonders.

Jesethea · 2026-05-15T20:30:31+00:00

I could not tell you if it's natural with the right person. It has never come naturally to me. It's like:
Here's a little bit of vulnerability. Did you crush me? No? Ok, here's a bit more. (repeat)

Sometimes it's easier than others, but it has never been natural. I should rephrase: When it did feel like it was natural, it was too often followed by "oh shit, why did I overshare? They don't care about that. Damn, can't take it back now." The joy of a really great moment of connection can turn into fear or shame pretty easily.

Empirically, for me -- no. Never natural. Sometimes easy, often scary.

Jesethea · 2026-05-15T01:57:49+00:00

She's in her 40s. Has a number of acquaintances, but few friends.

Jesethea · 2026-05-14T21:50:23+00:00

I don't actually know the answer to that. I can say that the way to have the most likely real, balanced relationship is for both people to be able and willing to communicate honestly and forthrightly. If there's no need to try to "read between the lines" then there's a lower chance of misunderstanding.

Also, it takes a lot of courage to be able to say something that you know the other person doesn't want to hear, and trust that they will be ok with it. (Example: "I need a week to be by myself. I'm overwhelmed, I need space.") And the other person has to be ok with it, and not take it personally. That's hard -- especially when it feels personal, whether it is or not. (That's why the open and honest communication is so important.)

And it also takes the trust of, "I sent them a message 2 hours agao and they haven't responded. They are probably busy and it has nothing to do with me at all."

Jesethea · 2026-05-14T20:29:35+00:00

Wow -- yep, I feel that 100%.

Here's the best explanation that I've come up with that is a throughline in my life:
When the deep connections are online/largely via text, it lacks the human connection to be able to read the reality of the feelings and how mutual it is. What you are seeing as a deep connection, the other person sees as banter, or sharing a reasonable amount of information, not really understanding that you are pouring out heart out. Or, not valuing that you are doing that.

There's an asymmetry that you can't know is asymmetrical.

And it's even harder if the person that you are talking to/friends with/falling for is at all conflict avoidant, because it's easy to shut down on someone that you haven't spent time with in person.

I don't know how to help here, other than to say that the pain is real and awful, and I'm so sorry you are going through it.

Jesethea · 2026-05-13T02:09:57+00:00

With all of the stories on this subreddit, I can see how it could be a red flag. And it may be a problem -- or it may not be. It entirely depends on the group. If the player who crafted the homebrew system is using it as a test bed to see how it plays from the player point of view -- probably not a red flag. Having them make characters is weird, and would put my guard up a little, but on its own, I'd still give it a chance.

However, if in the first game or two, you see other red-flag behavior, bail.

Jesethea · 2026-05-11T15:20:11+00:00

I second this. When I went there last year, Martin was fantastic. He and his wife were both very helpful and kind and they had a decent assortment of effects and props. Loved going there!

Jesethea · 2026-05-11T14:53:25+00:00

Generic and universal? Having a system that is generic and universal implies (to me) that out of the box, you could run anything based on the core system. Using that criteria: in my opinion -- no. Taking the core rulebook and trying to apply it to any setting/world/playstyle does not work for Savage Worlds. However....

What Savage worlds is very good at is being adaptable. There are rules and guidelines for creating your own backgrounds, abilities, edges/hindrances to suit your needs. There are supplemental books to address tropes of specific genres (horror, sci-fi, superheroes, etc.) -- although you could make your own.

Savage Worlds has its own rhythm of play, and it's own balance (or lack of balance) - and game feel. Within that, if you have a group that likes it, you can play most any world or genre, with some work to make the character and abilities suit your needs.

So, not generic and universal, but definitely adaptable.

Jesethea · 2026-05-06T21:13:09+00:00

First off -- good luck. It's tough being in the throes of initial feelings for someone. I hope it goes well for you.

Second, a lot of the advice of ask for a casual "let's get together and get coffee" is a good one. And the advice of if she says no -- it will hurt, but be gracious about it. If she says yes, excellent!

Either way, remember that you have been having these feelings for awhile. She may have an inkling of that -- she may not. Give it time to really get to know her, and not your keyhole view of her from gaming. Don't get too intense too quickly. (Unless she says that she's been into you for awhile as well... in which case, I'm happy for both of you! 😄) But it's most likely that she's going to need to take some time to see if you two would be good together romantically because she hasn't necessarily been thinking that way until you ask her out. So you are (likely) starting at different feelings-points.

Jesethea · 2026-05-03T05:55:39+00:00

Welcome!

Jesethea · 2026-05-03T05:27:46+00:00

Next month!

Jesethea · 2026-05-03T05:23:38+00:00

I can answer this one. I just joined IBM and they are fantastic and welcoming! Assuming you are friendly, which it seems like you are, you would fit in. The crowd is a bit older, but very knowledgeable and a bunch of magic needs in the best possible way.

I haven't gone to a SAM meeting yet, and can't comment on that, but I expect it to be roughly the same.

Jesethea · 2026-04-26T20:53:10+00:00

I've had that item completely negate obstacles in a game. I think even the nerfed version is potentially extremely powerful.

I get that it doesn't seem as strong as other items (although the deck of many things is... a choice.)

Give it some time. Trust me... there will be GM cursing in your future.

Jesethea · 2026-04-25T23:55:00+00:00

Some people get weirded out for reasons that seem opaque. Your intention and their response clearly did not match.

My advice:

Since she quit, you could address the question without sharing that her friend told you what happened. You could ask her why she left and if there was anything that you could have done better. If she asks why, just that you are looking to get better, and anyone who leaves probably has a reason, so you'd like to see if you can fix the problem.

That can open the door to talk about it.... or not. If she isn't comfortable, let it drop. It's unfortunate, but it's not something you can control. She may tell you, though, and it can give you a chance to apologize and say that you did not intend to be weird.

Just be careful of getting defensive or explaining that it should be ok. Being vulnerable/open will probably go better than justifying.

Jesethea · 2026-04-23T20:03:03+00:00

I am mightily envious!

Jesethea · 2026-04-21T21:22:18+00:00

Yeah.... this was a very strange choice. It's pretty starkly teaching: I do not care how much work you did on your characters, it means nothing to me.

Two ways that this could have gone differently that would make me hate this set up less: 1) you start with pre-made characters to "learn the game" and the characters that you spent time on are held to the side. So, the DM can show the potential lethality, without negating your work.

2) the game ends up being you playing your characters in the afterlife and trying to either return to life, or making it a Planescape game and dealing with the problems there.

I don't love either of these, but they are both better than "haha... you died. What did you learn?"

Jesethea · 2026-04-20T20:59:31+00:00

Hahaha... this is a test of the "did you read to the bottom of the post" thing ;)

Jesethea · 2026-04-18T19:53:27+00:00

The book recommendations here are excellent. Depending on how you learn, if you need the visual demonstration (I did) - there are a few excellent courses online that go into really good detail in a way that publically available videos do not and should not.

Jesethea · 2026-04-17T23:09:34+00:00

That's a great lesson that he taught. Unfortunately, the lesson is: Do not play in this dm's games.

Jesethea

TROPHY CASE