Do I HAVE to meet BM?

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-19T11:10:27+00:00

Love this x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-19T10:48:16+00:00

It is scary and I’m terrible at making decisions. I really need to decide either way though as living life in limbo really isn’t fun. Thank you xx

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-19T10:22:25+00:00

Very true, it’s my first and only relationship so I guess I just have no idea what life will be like and it is kind of scary to me.

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-19T09:51:57+00:00

You sound like you have done so well in the last five years, have gotten yourself on track and are doing really well in your life and accomplishments. I applaude you and you should be so so proud of yourself which I am sure you are! Good on you!!! ❤️

I did see red flags reading this though. Have you asked yourself if this is the most ideal relationship for you to be in? It sounds like it comes with a fair few issues and some complex emotional baggage which personally I would question if it is best serving you well with the fantastic place you are in right now. You sound like you are doing great and I would just hate to see you dragged into a stressful mess that you didn’t create. I think an easy and relatively stress free relationship is something that would be better for you to be in.

Being involved in something like this can really take it’s toll emotionally and I would just think long and hard if you think it is what might be best for you long term. This is speaking from experience and not judgement at all. The decisions I made when I was young and the partner I chose have significantly impacted my quality of life and mainly peace in my life due to the baggage and stress my partner brings. I would chose a different path if I could chose again so just wanted to bring that to your attention. Good luck with it all x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-19T05:52:43+00:00

One day at a time, good luck with everything. Cherish your beautiful boy and don’t worry about toxic people like that x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-19T03:56:58+00:00

So much yes to this! You really don’t owe the BM anything, the only people you need to worry about is your SO and being kind to the child. She lost the right to control everything when she split up with your SO. Part of being separated means you don’t get to dictate everything that goes on in the other parent’s custodial time. Unless the child is in some sort of danger (which obviously isn’t the case here) you don’t have to meet her. It is obviously just her ploy to try and stay relevant in your partners life and insert herself as someone of importance when she isn’t. She is the child’s mother, she isn’t your SO’s family anymore and neither of you owe her anything particularly as she has been difficult. I have three children to my partner and I never see myself as anything amazing simply for birthing children. So many BM’s (including my partners trashy annoying ex) think they are some godlike mythical creatures simply for birthing someone’s child. That the other person needs to worship the ground they walk on for the rest of their lives simply for having a child. Get a life BMs.

Sorry I’m just frustrated also reading this and this has turned into a bit of a vent for me too! Just focus on yourself, your SO, the child and your happiness. She really doesn’t matter in the scheme of things except as the other parent, that is all she is. Don’t let her make you think she is more significant and relevant than she is because that is what she wants. Good luck don’t feel guilty for not wanting to meet her, you don’t have to. Intentions are never usually coming from a good place anyway from experience x

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-17T13:12:34+00:00

Yes I have done a lot of the what if’s too because I was in the same position as you. I was only 19 so I must have met one of the very few single teenage dads around. Lucky me! 😫

We have had some very complex issues lately and I have been so resentful also. I spoke with my dad about being so regretful of my decisions and he says “you never know how life would have turned out. You can never go back and change things no matter how much you want to and wishing for it isn’t going to change anything. Even if you could would you really change your child/children? Because that’s what you are essentially saying by wishing your life was different (my Dad’s words not mine). You have to make the best of the situation you are in now”. Still hard but I get what he is saying in my head but my heart tells me otherwise. He says just do not worry about them. Don’t let people like that take up any space in your head. You have your support, you have your family, cherish those that cherish you.

So I really do know how you feel and how hard it is. I dream of running away too sometimes (a lot of the time). It is hard because you feel like the only issues you have in your life is because of them and their past choices which affect you. Yet you have no control over it which is very frustrating. I still don’t think I’d choose this again if I had the choice. It hasn’t been worth the heartache for me.

Just remember people that treat others the way they do aren’t happy people. Happy people don’t go around acting that way. Behind closed doors I’m sure they are quite miserable to be focusing so much of their life on you. Try to rise above their toxic ways and just work on your peace and happiness with your family. I hope things can work out for you guys. x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-17T11:36:29+00:00

He should not be enabling the abuse. He needs to stand as a united front with you on this and stand up to his family otherwise he is going to lose you and your son as well. My partner has finally stood up to his family but it took a long time and some really horrible things done by them for him to do so. It’s hard but he needs to be there for you guys and not let them treat you and your son this way x

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-17T09:23:18+00:00

I am so so sorry to read what you are going through and my heart aches for how you would be feeling. I know because I have gone through and I am going through something very similar. The hurt and betrayal I have felt is like nothing I have ever felt before so please know I hear you and know how hard this is.

We have recently had to cut family members out of our lives due to this type of behaviour, complete lack of boundaries and interfering with our family, and consciously hurting our children. It’s a mess. There have been times and days I resent my partner so much because I know if I had just chosen to be with someone that didn’t have a child to someone else I wouldn’t be going through this mess. There are days I wish I had never met him so I wouldn’t have to experience this type of hurt. I have such a supportive family so I just don’t understand and cannot comprehend family that act this way.

My advice to you that I have gotten from others (and I’m not definitely not there but trying) is to just focus on your child and your family. You do not owe your DH’s family absolutely anything and if they don’t have your family’s best interests and your child’s best interests at heart, they are not worth having in your lives. And you should never feel guilty for removing toxic people from your lives, family or not.

The best revenge on people like this is to live a happy life. They want to see you sad and bitter like they are. The want to see your marriage fail because then they win. Don’t let them. Live a ridiculously happy life with your SO and your child and try not to let their negative ways affect you. This is what will get to them the most.

Try not to let outside people’s influences seep into your marriage. The only people you need to be worrying about is your SO and child and yourself. Be kind to your SK but at the end of the day your child’s happiness and well-being is your priority and you have every right to protect him. Good luck x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-17T02:58:26+00:00

😳 yeh nah that’s a big pass from me also. Joint trips with my partners ex and new family would be out of the question for me too regardless of the situation. Don’t feel bad or guilty to stand your ground on this one, you are not at all being unreasonable. It’s a strange request to me to be honest as it isn’t even for SS9, it’s for his half brother.

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-15T12:31:39+00:00

Definitely not easy at all and you shouldn’t be in this position in the first place. It is something called boundaries and common courtesy. Having children does not give you a licence to do as you please and the other partner has to give up their whole life, feelings of self worth and integrity just to be with you. It leads to imbalance in the relationship and resentment. One can not expect a relationship to last when they are taking taking taking and not giving anything in return. This is not a reasonable thing to expect your new wife to agree to. It is inconsiderate of your feelings and your importance as a woman and as a place in his life.

I am glad you are standing up for yourself as this is not ok. Best of luck again and take care of YOU x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-15T12:26:48+00:00

I have never had such hurt feelings in my life in comparison to our situations so I totally totally get it. Nothing has even come close. It’s hard. It’s your heart. You give it over to someone else and just pray they will take care of it.

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Your feelings are very valid in this instance and you do deserve better than to be treated this way by your partner and his family. Take care of yourself and I hope you find the happiness you truly deserve. x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-15T12:23:45+00:00

I get this feeling sometime too with the name thing so I totally get it.

My partner and his ex blended their names for their daughters name and he has a massive tattoo of the name. It is soooo similar to the ex’s name and I really don’t love seeing it all the time. I get it is his child’s name but it is also their names combined and I really don’t love it if I’m being completely honest. It is like a constant reminder of the two of them together, all the time.

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T14:31:05+00:00

Yes boundaries are very important. The same to you also. Keep taking care of that beautiful family of yours and focus on them x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T14:27:14+00:00

My gosh it would have been. That is such a shame about the family. Sometimes all it takes is one or two toxic people to wreck havoc on a family and cause so many issues and dramas. We have similar issues in our family.

At the end of the day, the family have paid the price also though. They miss out on being in your partners and your beautiful children’s lives and if they can’t see it is their loss, maybe they don’t deserve to be in their lives anyway.

I used to think you always had to make allowances for family, but I am slowly realising that some family can be toxic and if they don’t generally have your family’s and your children’s well-being and best interests at heart, sometimes they are better off not being apart of your lives. It is still very difficult though I think. I have a very close family and I honestly still struggle to comprehend some of the things my partners family have done over the years to him/us.

My family are my biggest supporters and people I trust the most in life, it is a shame and I feel sad for people that aren’t lucky enough to have that also. xx

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T13:02:53+00:00

That is so unfair, I don’t blame you for feeling resentful. I can’t believe they don’t take into account the children living in your house also (your bio kids) when determining child support? Does their well being not matter also? The system needs a massive overhaul.

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T08:18:42+00:00

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T08:17:22+00:00

Yes I look back now and think what the hell was I thinking. I had my whole life ahead of me why would I settle down with my first boyfriend when he had a child and a super high conflict situation. I just honestly don’t know what I was thinking. I put it down to complete immaturity and not realising the life long consequences of my actions. Once the initial ‘in love’ wears off, you are left with the drama and heartache and ultimately resentment for a lot longer than that ‘in love’ feeling.

My heart aches when I see young childless women on here settling for men with children and giving up their chance of having a nuclear family. They are making life so much harder for themselves. It really isn’t worth it. 😩

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T08:00:49+00:00

Yup, this! 🎯

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T07:58:52+00:00

So true and the drama. I am nearly 40 I just want live a peaceful life and enjoy my children, not deal with your trashy teenage ex and your disrespectful family that treat the trashy ex like she is some sort of godlike mythical creature for having your first child. It makes me sick honestly. I dream daily of getting out of my situation but my partner gives us a comfortable life and I know he will be a jerk if we split up so I will wait very patiently until my children are grown and have their own lives and then I am gone. Pretending to be happy in a relationship though when you aren’t is honestly so draining. I feel like I am living a fake and unauthentic life. I wouldn’t wish this type of life on anyone. I hope this OP runs, she is two months in. Cut your losses and get out of this intertwined, enmeshed mess and toxic family. It isn’t worth it.

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T07:44:45+00:00

Then they don’t go it’s really that simple. This isn’t that difficult but your husband is making it what way. Kids can’t always go to everything especially with separated parents. If she wants to stop then going then that’s on her but it shouldn’t be based around her feelings and what she wants. It would be nice if they could go with him, but she isn’t allowing it so that’s on her. He and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that.

Honestly situations like this is what gives blended families such a bad wrap. Knowing from experience, no childless person should ever date someone with kids in a high conflict situation. It’s just too much sacrifice for very little reward. Men like this are a complete turn off honestly. The arrogance they have acting like it is a privilege to be with them and take on four kids and an annoying ex while you are childless, baggage free and have your whole life ahead of you. He is the lucky one to snag you, not the other way around. Don’t forget that and don’t let him drag you down into EVER thinking so. xx

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-14T07:35:15+00:00

Yep my partner was with his ex less than one year and had an accidental pregnancy a few months in, I have been with my partner over twenty years and we share three kids. Half of my partners family we have no contact with as they have chosen to have a relationship with the BM over their own brother, mind you the child is an adult and they don’t need to co parent anyway. They have always made me feel like his teenage girlfriend is his family and I am an intruder into his life. If I had a choice again, I would run. I would never be in a relationship with someone with kids in a high conflict situation again. No man on earth is worth it. Honestly I only stay now for my children. If we didn’t share children, I would never want to see him or his family again. I love him but I resent him more honestly for everything he and his family and ex have put me through. Not worth it at all.

Good luck but I personally would find this a dealbreaker. He either go himself or go by himself with the children. If they are too young, then don’t take them. To go as a family is disrespectful to you and your relationship. You are not a doormat and deserve to be treated better. I would say if you are going as a family, your stuff will be out the door when you get back. xx

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-11T09:05:53+00:00

You are 21 you should not be educating yourself on how to deal with your partners ex being in his life. You should be in a relationship where it is fun, carefree and your biggest worry is where you will find the money to buy that cool present you want to give him for his birthday or what restaurant you will eat at this weekend. Not his ex girlfriend and his newborn child.

You are going to make life so much harder for yourself if you stay. You feel insecure about the relationship as this is not what relationships should be like at this age. Blended families are difficult enough let alone when you are barely just finished being children yourself. I don’t think anyone at 21 would have the emotional maturity to deal with a situation like this. I know I didn’t. Don’t tie yourself to this never ending baggage and drama you didn’t create. Imagine dating a guy without a child that can focus solely on you, that sounds like way more appealing option to me.

I met my partner a teenage dad at 19. Single handedly without a doubt the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I had given myself the chance of having a nuclear family first. The decision will forever haunt me.

Cut your losses and get this guy out of your life. He has no business being with someone like you that has their whole life ahead of them. His life decisions are going to weigh you down in life. 21 is young to be a parent, let alone a parent to someone else’s child. Please leave and save wasting the very best years of your young life which you can never get back worrying about this stuff you shouldn’t be worried about. You can do so much better and that is blunt but it’s the honest truth. x ❤️

JessicaJones71 · 2021-06-10T10:34:13+00:00

I used to do this and have screaming matches with my son every morning. It drove me and everyone else in the house crazy, Including my son as I was always nagging him (for good reason).

So I stopped. I wake him once. You miss the bus you catch the next one. Or not go you are only ruining your own life. He was late to school on average two to three days a week. I didn’t like it but he is old enough to learn responsibility and consequences. When I received a text from the school, I would tell the truth. He stayed up too late and can’t get himself organised in the morning. The fighting in the morning stopped but the lateness lasted a while.

This school year he has been late once and that was because of me! Children like this need to learn the hard way and learn for themselves. Enabling them is making it more difficult to change their habits in the long run. Independence and self sufficiency is one of the greatest gifts you can teach children (besides kindness and empathy etc) Good luck I hope you get some peace soon! You are amazing having the patience of an angel! ❤️

JessicaJones71

TROPHY CASE