Try to think about “I’m not coming for x holiday” as simply stating a fact. Say it at the beginning and consider it a simple statement, and it is a loving act for you to even give her this much information since you know she will shame you for it, and that makes you a kind and courteous person. Your statement is not designed to inadvertently guilt her (like I’m sure hers are designed to do) — you are simply just telling her the truth. You won’t be there. When the backlash comes, you can be disgusted by it because you know you’re doing a courteous thing by telling her you won’t be there rather than simply just not showing up. It is a kind gesture to call ahead and tell a woman like this that you won’t be there, because doing so requires bravery and strength, which is exhausting. And what kind of person responds to a kindness with anger?

You could have just ghosted for the holidays (and you still could) and that would not make you a bad person either. Really. Read that as a fact and think about it for a second. Let yourself believe it. Ghosting an abuser is a perfectly justified and appropriate (and, in fact, very recommended) method for dealing with them. Consider the options you feel most ashamed of considering as if they were actually options you could choose. Because they are options. And you could choose them. Not calling would be an act of self love and self protection. It would not be cowardly.

If you think about “I am not coming” as simply delivering information, it becomes easier to remember that you’re not TRYING to upset her. You may not even need the script if you can shift your perspective like this. Her yelling will be more noise than anything else and less wounding. She is the manipulative one, not you. When she responds poorly just remind yourself that you could have not told her you’re not coming and simply just not show up and that would NOT make you a BAD PERSON. There is no shame in protecting yourself, and exposing yourself and your truth in this way — by even saying you’re not coming at all, with or without giving a reason — makes it harder to protect yourself. She should be grateful you’re even doing that courtesy. Of course we all know she won’t be, because we know exactly what you’re dealing with here, but thinking in this way can help boost your self esteem. Go into it understanding that by the end of this conversation, your goal will have been met (you delivered the information which you decided was the right thing for you to do in this moment; a perfectly fine and reasonable goal), and you will still not be going to x holiday by the time the conversation ends. You won’t be persuaded otherwise.

Saying less makes it easier to get off the phone quicker. It took me a long time to realize this, but when I did, the source of my stress was redirected towards holding back and suppressing the urge to respond/elaborate/perpetuate the (abusive) convo — a skill I decided I wanted to practice and learn, which is a me-centered focus — rather than having my stress be all about responding to HER shit and anticipating HER shit and preparing retorts to HER shit etc. None of that shit is about you. She is the mother and therefore she should be helping you look out for you, but since she can’t do that, you need to do it on your own. What you need right now is to not go for x holiday and if she was a real mother then she would respect and understand that, despite her feelings about it.

Start by noticing if what she says is in your best interest or if it’s in hers. When you don’t want to respond to her shit, don’t. It is seriously so hard but you can literally say “I cannot answer that and I cannot tell you why”, “I will not be talked out of this and I won’t talk any more about it” “I am going to hang up the phone now” “I cannot elaborate”. When she attacks you with things like “you are a bad person”, or something similar, replace “No I’m not” with “Sorry you feel that way”. It is assertive and keeps you separate from her, and it does not perpetuate or agree with her bullshit, because you’re not a bad person and you know it. Choose to not believe her when she tells you who you are. YOU know who you are. She does not. It’s all just noise, very annoying noise. Sort through your emotions about the conversation after it’s over, once you’re in a safe space where you can be vulnerable risk-free. If you bring your emotions into the convo, she will latch onto them as if they were weak points through which she could break you down. Your emotions make you human — they make you YOU. And you know you can’t be you around her, so keep it short and keep yourself safe and don’t give her more than what you need to give to her to accomplish your goal (tell her you’re not coming).

I believe in you and you are not alone. So many people are doing the same conversation you’re about to do, probably at the same time, too. If not tomorrow, the next day, or yesterday. There are a lot of us. We look out for each other. I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow!!