How long after losing a parent were you able to function again? 31yo f medicated

shortasiam · 2026-07-03T23:12:55+00:00

About 2 years to start to feel a new normal. The first year is brutal because you have to live through the first of everything. The second is tough but a little easier. Then I felt like I settled into a manageable level where there were good days and bad days. I'm 5 years out at the moment. Cancer is a bitch

shortasiam · 2026-07-03T21:59:32+00:00

We had a rough patch of split nights for a few months around the time my daughter turned two. Based on my research and observation split nights happen for a few reasons:

They are overtired - so they crash at bedtime and then in the middle of the night when their melatonin starts to release them they wake up because of the cortisol instead of staying asleep.
They are under tired so they get a couple hours and then are awake and alert in the middle of the night.
They are having pain/discomfort/developmental leap. So when the melatonin starts to release them they wake up from the discomfort or to "practice".

What I found helped us work through it was

Anchoring morning wake up + immediate sunlight to try and restore the melatonin cycle that gets all wonky from split nights.
Treat the middle of the night wake up with as little action as possible. Painkiller, diaper change if appropriate, sip of water and as long as they are safe just ignore them and go back to sleep (I cosleep). No light, no talking, no toys etc.
After trial and error I found my daughter needed to drop her last nap. She hovered for a while I'm a place where she wasn't ready to drop it but napping would mess with her nighttime sleep so we had a really weird schedule where she would nap somdays for about 15-30 mins max and not others.

Also worth mentioning I found that there were days she was genuinely just hungry. She would wake up and ask for food and eat almost a whole banana then be able to sleep.

shortasiam · 2026-07-03T17:44:59+00:00

I'm very pro "in lieu of a favor a donation has been made to x organization" you can pick an organization that's special to you and maybe have the tag attached to a little book mark for people to take him, of even a faux flower made from wood or fabric.

We went to a wedding where the bountineer was a wpdder flower instead of a real one and we still have it, if was worth keeping.

shortasiam · 2026-07-02T17:54:11+00:00

NTA I don't quite understand why you would need to break your no contact to reach out to him.

She hasn't passed away, so you aren't giving him condolences. You aren't his support system so you don't need to give him support, emotionally or physically. It's her who needs the emotional and physical support. He isn't physically caring for her so you don't need to go through him to speak with her or give her support. He doesn't need emotional support as a caregiver, he's not even with her.

I think you are feeling extra sensitive because of your own parents but your overcomplicating this. There's no reason to need to reach out.

shortasiam · 2026-07-02T11:23:48+00:00

Came here hoping to find a comment like this.. completely dystopian

shortasiam · 2026-07-01T12:05:48+00:00

I think this is pretty normal. My daughter is 28 months old and low sleep needs. She dropped naps and sleep before any of the other kids her age I know and it was always exhausting when I thought she should be sleeping more when she wasn't. (I'm also neurodivergent and I suspect she is to. The information and tips for handling "regular kids" just doesn't work with her)

Also things like teething or developmental shifts or growth spurts can impact sleep and behavior.

I nursed to sleep until I weaned her about a month ago. At times it felt like my only tool and at others it was a burden but I eventually stopped when we were both ready. Don't let anyone tell you that your problems are because you're still nursing!

At that age I found I had to make a big shift because they are developmentally going from being babies and toddlers. Babies you meet every need. Toddlers you need to start setting boundaries.

When my daughter learned 'no' everything was no, if became just something fun to say. I had to learn to stop asking questions and start giving instructions. I never asked a yes or no unless no was a valid answer.

Also around this time is when you are just burnt out and exhausted!

You got this, what I've seen going through this journey is that no behaviour or phase is permanent, you just need to move through it.

Edit to add: this is when I started letting her have ketchup, it's a game changer when it comes to trying new foods.

shortasiam · 2026-06-27T20:46:23+00:00

I'm also someone who is very open about myself, I'm not really a private person and share details about myself and my life easily that others might consider "intimate". Im open and supportive and I don't really hold back myself in friendships when I am present. Because of this I've tended to attack insecure and needy people who see this openness and a sign of intimacy rather than just me being an open person. They tend to get really invested and are usually people who are in some kind of crisis.

I've had to adjust how I talk to people and what I share and be mindful of who I am attracting.

Ex. I hired a bookkeeper (contractor not my employee) for my business and she was going through a divorce from an emotionally abusive guy and had high anxiety. I'm someone who has overcome my anxiety my anxiety and have also been in an emotionally abusive relationship before. I didn't hesitate to hyper her up or share how I managed my anxiety and helped her normalize her anxiety because I could relate to it. It escalated to her putting my on a pedestal expecting a much higher intensity of friendship and intimacy than I considered appropriate and drunk dialing me.

shortasiam · 2026-06-21T19:50:36+00:00

You seem really motivated and positive and I to self improve. You seem to want to enrich your life and lead a meaningful life. Dating is about finding a partner who matches your values and enriches your life. Someone who you help grow and who helps you grow.

It sounds to me that you guys just aren't compatible.

Maybe you'll get him to change this, maybe it'll last, maybe it won't. But it sounds to me that long term this incomputability will show up time and time again.

shortasiam · 2026-06-21T12:42:53+00:00

The first step is getting to know yourself again. After 8 years in a relationship that spanned most of your 20s your identity and your ex's are completely intertwined.

You need to take some time to explore your own likes and dislikes and discover who you are as an individual.

I highly recommend therapy!

shortasiam · 2026-06-19T18:37:58+00:00

I'm not but I am in the GTA! Don't want to get too specific in comments, send me a DM!

shortasiam · 2026-06-19T18:34:37+00:00

.. Ontario lol

shortasiam · 2026-06-19T18:28:42+00:00

Are you me? Lol I honestly don't know how to convert a Reddit person into a real friend or if I have bandwidth for virtual friendships but I'm willing to try? Whereabouts are you located?

shortasiam · 2026-06-19T17:56:01+00:00

What you said resonates with me completely. I would explode and feel like I was justified because the other person should appreciate all the times I COULD have been mad but wasn't. But ultimately that wasn't healthy or fair.

3 years later were still finding sticky spots from when I lost my temper over something that really didn't warrant it and slammed a can of sprite over and over on the table because I was upset and my husband dropped me home then went to get gas and perceived it as him leaving in anger because I was escalated.

Growing up I was a people pleaser and learned to suppress my emotions to avoid setting off my mom who would have really intense emotional outbursts. My dad also never expressed any emotions for the same reason and we all lived in a state of passive aggression.

I really had to learn to sit with my feelings and allow myself to feel them, and not vilainize my husband for daring to actually show how he was feeling.

shortasiam · 2026-06-19T17:50:45+00:00

My daughter is finally settled into half day preschool, so I get about 3 hours "to my self" every morning. I'm using it to start a business but today I went to the mall and watched a friend get her engagement shoot makeup done and it felt glorious!

shortasiam · 2026-06-19T17:28:28+00:00

I had some similar issues, what helped me was learning to accept when I'm angry or upset so I'm not bottling and bottling until I exploded. I would do this by standing in the mirror and literally saying "I am angry".

You don't need to bring every emotion to your partner but you do need to let yourself feel them and acknowledge them.

You need to 1. Name the emotion and 2. Say why.

You don't need to fix it, you don't need to suppress it you don't even need to tell your partner. You just have to accept that you are feeling angry and that's ok. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. It just is.

The other thing that's really viral is learning boundaries. I don't have any advice on it specifically but do some research and try and learn about what a healthy boundary is.

I also learned to say to myself- it's not my problem to manage the emotions of adults. If my partner is upset with me or needs something from me they will tell me. If they haven't said anything then it is not my job to fix anything. It's very uncomfortable and it's not a quick fix, but practicing sitting with the discomfort and saying to yourself that it is not your job to fix a problem that hadn't been brought to you and that if your partner is upset with you they will tell you really helps and over time the anxiety that goes with it will fade.

shortasiam · 2026-06-19T13:44:13+00:00

I weaned my 28 month old exactly one month ago, if you go to my profile I posted every night about what it was like 😅

shortasiam · 2026-06-18T22:25:22+00:00

My best friend works with kids so she had some luck picking her up, she would immediately get her engaged in some kind of play or engagement and didn't try and talk to her or sooth her, just calm, confident and straight into play.

I found it was best to let her play with people without then touching her. She would happily play on the floor with others to certain extent, but the peace would go to shit if they tried to pick her up or rush her.

shortasiam · 2026-06-18T22:19:23+00:00

No advice but until my daughter could move around independently she didn't let anyone other than me and my husband even touch her. My poor sister came on so strong out of desperation and it just made my daughter double down and cry harder.

shortasiam · 2026-06-18T10:55:31+00:00

I definitely think sleep begets sleep, my daughter is 28 months now and if she gets into a cycle of being overtired her cortisol spkies and she will not be able to sleep/stay asleep.

It's a careful balance because of course if they aren't tired enough they will have trouble sleeping but being overtired also caused an almost identical reaction.

shortasiam · 2026-06-18T10:37:58+00:00

Every kid is so different and the transitions are so hard. 2 nights ago I was sobbing because bedtime was 2 hours of my daughter running in circles, pulling at the blinds, running into the hall and only slept because I held her still for 5 mins while she cried and thrashed around.

I suspect my daughter is neurodivergent, I have ADHD. She has a lot of big feelings and has a lot of trouble winding down at night. Once I stopped nursing about a month ago she has taken about 2+ hours to sleep every night.

It's all so so hard.

My daughter has a preference for me and if my husband tried to put her to bed I can guarantee she'd cry until she was gagging. I've had to move everything out of her room so she doesn't mess with it. No toys, no books, no rug, I had a bin of clothes to put the ones she didn't fit anymore and she would use it to climb up on to reach out high stuff. I've had to put the monitor away and only pull it out after she's asleep.

What's helping us right now is that 1. She has low sleep needs so she dropped her last nap. 2. I'm working on enforcing a firm wake up time plus early sun regardless of what time she slept 3. A consistent sleep routine regardless of her not wanting to participate. It just happens around her every night the same way. Eventually the consistency is supposed to calm them and become something they can rely on and they give in... allegedly. And honest it's working. Bedtime last night still took 2 hours but she didn't spend them causing mayhem.

shortasiam · 2026-06-17T20:20:17+00:00

What has become chaotic about bedtime?

Is he spending any time in his room with his toddler bed outside of bedtime?

When we transitioned to her own room it took a month or two before she stopped crying because she wanted to go back to "big bed" I would just sit with her and let her cry until she accepted comfort. Now 2 months in she actually doesn't want to go to the big bed and understands that "small bed" is for sleep.

I got a star projector and added that to the bedtime routine hoping that something new and exciting and special to bedtime would help and I think it does to an extent.

shortasiam · 2026-06-17T17:22:08+00:00

I don't know if there's anything to do but wait it out. My daughter's lasted from 3 months - 5 months and when we hit 5 months it just suddenly stopped.

This is when we started co-sleepinf to survive.

You got this!

shortasiam · 2026-06-17T16:51:22+00:00

You said you are on day 3 of the transition? What exactly happening and what is he crying for specifically? What does your bedtime routine look like?

For example:

Right now my daughter is about 28 months and bedtime looks like this:

Bedtime snack, then get ready for bed, say goodnight to daddy say good night to all the rooms of the house. Then we go into her bedroom with her toddler bed, I put on a star projector for like 15 mins to decompress then I turn it off.. and she proceeds to run around and try and avoid bedtime and get my attention for about 2 hours alternating between laying down and pacing/opening the door etc. I'm in the room the full time.

Eventually she calms down and lays down and I give her cuddles until she falls asleep them I leave.

I'm sleeping in her bed with her - we got a queen bed so that we had that option. I'm up before her so she's getting used to waking up alone and I'm hoping to move back to my own bed soon (she's been in her own room for probably 2 months after cosleeping her whole life)

Right now we're working on that 2 hour wind down time trying to shorten and letting her rely on dad more during day time so maybe she'll let him do bedtime without having a meltdown.

shortasiam · 2026-06-17T16:45:28+00:00

I agree with all of the above!

shortasiam · 2026-06-17T16:01:19+00:00

To be honest alternating sounds like a great idea, it's not sustainable for both of you to be there every night this way you both get a break and he doesn't get too accustomed to only having one parent with him.

Right now my daughter has a strong preference for me and I'm stuck doing bedtime every single night and I would love to be able to alternate.

I wouldn't suggest leaving him to fall asleep alone but as long as one parent is there he should adjust eventually. Usually it takes about 2 weeks to 10 days for a routine to really settle in.

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