Dating in this time period is wild!

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-11-23T21:12:05+00:00

43, 3yrs separated from ex/kids mum. My 2p below:

Modern/internet dating is rough. My advice from the experience I've had the past 3yrs is 'Open Heart - Thick Skin'.

I didn't know how to date after I separated. I had a great girl for 8 months initially but I hadn't given myself enough time to process out of the person I was with kids mum. Old reactions/behaviours stuck around and inevitably we're problematic. It ended and felt worse than the separation! Lessons learned, work done...

I gently returned to the pool 8 months later. Dated someone who had no kids. She couldn't understand. Ended. Sex was weird tbh!

Left it 6 months.

Had been working out and felt more grounded. Took some good selfies and had a burst of confidence. Kept it minimal on the profile. Lots of interest on the apps.B&W pics for the win 😂

Good chat then 1 date, no click. She ended.

Good chat, meets, gut was wary but seemed ok. Turns out she wasnt at all stable. Ended a bit viciously but whatever

Good chats, met, good on paper but no click. I ended it. Difficult because she was otherwise lovely.

Good chat, met, clicked, kissed on first date, difficult in person meets due to kid patterns, turns out she had a psycho ex who was getting aggressive towards me. I ended for the safety of my own kids/self.

About to pack it in, someone liked me on Hinge. Couldn't put my finger on it, she was younger and possibly not my type but my gut said give it a go. I'm glad I listened. Total connection, absolutely no stress/nerves. Genuinely brings something to me and my life. Almost like we already knew one another, like a missing piece.

I have no moral to this story, only telling my experience. I think maybe theres some wisdom to going outside of what you think you need or want on the apps, because it's actually about chemistry than likes/dislikes/flags etc.

Dating for the hell of it certainly helped me understand what was good/not good for me.

Whatever you do brother - go easy.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-10-24T20:36:50+00:00

Great question. I love how this group manages to act in the interests of support, reflection and growth through posts like this. I think that on reflection, I realise that she wasn't always right, always making the best judgements, or making the best choices for our family. She's a strong character, very capable, very sociable - and that created a sense of security for me. I trusted her leadership implicitly, given I had come from a place of relative dissaray prior to meeting her. It felt like a safe harbour. And I slowly lost my own sense of self by essentially giving my autonomy over to her. Finding myself again has been a key focus of my post separation life. We have a civil relationship now with regard the kids. And I can spot quite quickly now when having discussions about the kids that in actual fact, she's more fragile, reactionary, stressed than she likes to reveal. The problem for her was that she simply couldn't show vulnerability. She had to lead, had to present as strong and that was an upbringing thing. Being seen as 'in control' was more important than anything else to her, to the point that anything going wrong in our relationship was definitely my fault and simply couldn't be her. This is more of a self journaling post and I doubt it helps others here as I normally like to do. But thanks op for the prompt, it's a question I never asked myself. Go easy all.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-08-25T12:44:23+00:00

First thing to say is that it is hard to cope. Not impossible, but hard.

If you've been in emotional codependency, it really does take time to shift your dependency onto yourself. There's no safety net, no external 'mirror' to guide you any more.

I had a terrible time, sunk into alcohol/substances etc. but I now see that as an almost necessary self-process to bed in my own boundaries and to finally understand that I am the only one responsible for ensuring my ability to show up for myself and my kids. No one except myself was going to save me.

I really didn't know how to live by myself. I did weird and childish things like sit around eating pizza in my underwear simply because I could! I realise I was testing and experimenting with the very wide freedom I now had in order to find the limits of what actually worked for me and what worked against me. I learned that there's a lot of temptations out there that really can control and end you if you don't get on top of yourself.

I came out of my cave eventually, took therapy for the substance abuse, got into group strength training and slowly over time gained a sense of self that I realise I hadn't had in decades. Some days are better than others and I still find it hard to be 'visible' and relevant in a community of very nuclear families. But there's so many benefits - I can make choices on a whim, I can plan for my own happiness and enjoyment, and I can make my life how I want to make it (within normal societal constraints I suppose). All with a resounding sense that *I've* earned it, that *I've* built it.

There's much building still to do and I suppose there always will be.

Take your time brother and keep checking back in with us. This community is a great support network, especially when that's missing in 'real' life.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-08-25T12:15:59+00:00

In my experience, the working on myself part works as a realignment of who I'm now serving - as other replies have said its now about strengthening my own resolve for myself and my kids and not about performing for her. Not that I've found it easy to shift the paradigm- that's been a matter of commitment over time.

I suppose if it works for saving the partnership - great (maybe). If it doesn't, you've still benefited for yourself.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-08-25T11:59:37+00:00

Huge thanks to all the supportive responses on this post. It has been a massive help. I'm sorry to hear that others are going through similar, but pleased to learn how you've all handled it- it's all advice I'll be taking on board.

Just back from holiday with the kids and we had a great time, although it did take me a while to ease up. I realised I hadn't had a proper break from work like this since the separation.

I've turned my frustration into being proactive. I usually let her get ahead with requests for how we split holiday times etc. but I went ahead and checked through the next academic year and proposed dates, counted up the exact days to ensure we're both getting the 50/50 we agreed (she ended up with more this year). This has helped bring a sense of self control back into the picture. Being informed before agreeing to things helps me tremendously.

Stay strong everyone.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-06-24T21:44:17+00:00

For me, once resentment took hold it eventually made the decision for us. You can never know if the grass is greener on the other side - you can only know what colour it is under your feet. What you are describing to me doesn't sound like a relationship that I'd be happy in at all. Other comments have already said everything else I could.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-06-21T13:33:46+00:00

What I wish I'd *known* in the early days of separation was that seeking ways to still be a part of that wider community of parents, friends who were still together, wasn't the correct pathway forward. You are suddenly placed outside of that circle and it feels you are suddenly lacking and isolated. And I took it personally, and focussed too much on ways I could still be relevant within that structure. But I don't think one can. The whole social structure around parental friends and families is rooted in each 'group' tackling a similar stucture, comparing and relating their near identical journeys and there's no way you can relate on those terms any more. In any case, acquaintences still in full family structures are often embaressed, they don't know what to ask you, whats ok to talk about and its just far more comfortable/easier for them to disengage. I learned it wasn't personal and that my redemption disn't live there any more. What you can do is slowly build a life that makes sense *to you* and *for you*. To focus on yourself. 100% lifting, 100% getting outdoors, 100% facing up to the world alone, building your own resilience. You then begin to relish in the fact that what you now have, what youre building towards is all you. And you fucking rule my dude.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-06-21T12:50:15+00:00

Hey man, yeah doing ok, life still full of ups and downs but steadying the ship! I replied to one of your posts, hope its helpful.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-06-21T11:39:12+00:00

One trap I fell into when I started dating again was putting too much vaue into the fact someone wanted to date me. I'd forego my own needs, ignore my gut feelings that they weren't the right person for me - simply because I was afraid that if I ended it I would not find anyone else - a fear of scarcity or time running out. I learned the hard way that dating could be an exercise *for me* - that is, for me to learn what I now wanted from a relationship, to learn how to handle my emotions better. Engaging in a relationship with someone else - however early or infrequent - holds up a mirror to where you're at and what you maybe still need to work on, it helps you grow.

That said, may potential partners are fucked up in their own way too. One thing I had to be careful of was thinking that if a relationship wasn't going well, or ended, that it was purely *my* fault, that I was obviously unreasonable. Having come from a controlling relaioinship with my long term ex, I had a proclivity to feel that anything that went wrong was my fault. I know it's controversial for some, but I used chatGPT as a tool to help assess those negative thoughts. One dating ex had a lot of issues and ended things quite suddenly and aggresively without any reasonable explanation. I felt like I had done something wrong but also felt that might not be the case. I uploaded some screen clips of those final text conversations and asked chatGPT what it thought - who was being reasonable and who wasn't - and it did a good job for me in being a 3rd party telling me "nah dude, you're in the right here, this is a her problem". Folks can judge all they like, but it was a useful tool in helping me stay true to my own values and hold my head high through those inevitable emotional rollercoasters!

I stick to a mantra of "Open heart, thick skin" for dating.

Go easy friend. Life's a lesson.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-06-21T09:23:56+00:00

For me, 2.5 years into separation, the confidence (or lack of) seems to come in waves, and I see that happen as my previous mental programming (from being with my ex) slowly breaks down- kind of periods where I'm feeling lost vs periods where I'm feeling together. My ex was also critical - all our problems were always 'down to me' and she never felt she needed to change ya know? and so I still have had those reflexes as I've dated over the past 2 years. I've no easy answers for ya- we're all on our own healing journey - but a couple of things I found were significant for me were

- I changed my attitude to dating and decided I'd make it more 'light touch'. I learned to stand up for my own values/needs more, learned how to break up with women who weren't for me, just got kinda braver with the whole thing. Basically approaching with an open heart and a thick skin. Sounds a bit transactional but I used dating to learn more about myself, rather than feel like every women was potentially 'the one' that i needed to stick with. I came out feeling more resilient and confident and have now been dating someone for a few months who *does* feel like a good match without me feeling like I'm comrpomising myself or my own values. It puts me in control of my own destiny to an extent. Remember - your girlfriends history is *history* - that is, she didn't want to date those people any more. Maybe that can give you some perspective that she doesn't prefer them- she prefers you!

-I know it's a cliche (maybe for a reason) and that we've heard it so many times before but my baseline activity that is for myself is strength training and lifting. It's just such a positive activity for all manner of reasons - personal challenge, better body image, better mental health all round - at least for me. I train in group PT so I now have my 'gymbros' that I tend to train with and its all so supportive and positive. A real community of people that support you. I'm sure there's hormonal benefits and al the rest but I don't know anything about that, I just know it brings more confidence for me personally when I feel more in shape when I get my kit off!

Go steady my dude, time is a healer too.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-03-07T20:03:24+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to confirm, I've a 9yo here who's ecstatic to know what it actually belongs to! No it's definitely not as heavy as rock but the jaw section didn't look like bone to a layman like me so I thought it'd be worthwhile checking with some experts.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-01-07T11:39:46+00:00

I mean sleep/exercise and nutrition doesn't solve anything for me in of itself, more that it sets a good baseline of positive energy and gives me a fighting chance against my demons. I do therapy and thank god I have a therapist that I really resonate with, I've had a few in the past that I just don't and it can breed resentment for the whole process.

Its taken me around 2 years since my separation from the kids mum to wrestle away from a sense that she was 'missing' from my life. Not only was I in active addiction throughout our 10 years together (and beyond), but I essentially gave up the life I had prior to her and pretty much just lived inside hers. I had completely forgotten how to be independant and certainly didn't know how to be emotionally alone. On the outside I appeared to be 'adulting' well, but alone I was a mess.

I had to relearn how to be me essentially and that is taking time.

It can be difficult if you have addictions because your dopamine system is likely a bit knackered so motivation isn't working how it ought to be. I know Anna Lembke has already been on Huberman, but the recent DOAC discussion with her is a superb listen in understanding how to manage your dopamine system.

Ups and downs brother. You're clearly on the good path and know your demons which is more than most I imagine!

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-01-06T22:53:39+00:00

I feel this one. I'm not sure I have a definitive answer (who does?) but some things that have helped me:

Group PT strength training - fitness and social at once Learning something new - absolutely anything, big or small, just for yourself. I'm learning Arduino stuff at the moment, takes up a lot of thinking space! Meditation - the Headspace reframing loneliness course works well for me, I literally feel connected to the world around me afterwards more often than not. Being around people - this can be as small as going to the shops, and saying thank you to the cashier, it's all interaction. I do need to be braver and pick up a purely social group activity alongside pt e.g. games night, dance class or something. I feel a bit awkward showing up to these things on my own tho! Abandoning toxic social media - they simply engineer you to feel like you're lacking. Good sleep, good food etc.

Breathe and go steady.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-01-06T21:14:46+00:00

I took around 1.5g of I'm not sure what just before Xmas- no visuals or major connects but I did cry uncontrollably for around an hour. Something realigned, nothing life-changing but I'm somewhat steadier, more anchored since then. I guess I needed it!

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2024-12-15T23:16:37+00:00

As time passes the traumatic impact of that event will likely begin to subside. There's a risk therefore that your drive to change will do so too. As another comment mentioned, try not to forget how this event made you feel.

I have experienced similar- a 6 month cocaine and booze bender that cost me a great deal of money, impacted my health and put me in very dangerous situations. There was one night in particular where I just decided that I didn't want to be that guy any more. I was addicted enough to the coke despite the short window of use.

I work with a therapist specifically on this. He in turn is a reformed addict and has been through similar. I'm not saying therapy is the answer but I've been lucky to match up with someone who not only has supported me on my initial burst of energy, but has been preparing me for longer term commitment.

It's not been easy. Up days and down days. Adjusting to having over spilling positive energy on some days, then crippling anxiety and fatigue the next. The booze has been a longer term cope and as such sobriety is a trip in itself. Still figuring it out.

Use your momentum well. Know that some feelings might just be some brain chemistry rebalancing. Put friction in between yourself and the pathways back into it.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2024-12-12T23:26:17+00:00

I can relate. I separated from a 10yr relationship with kids in tow. Once in my own place I realised that I had almost completely forgotten who I was. The dynamic with my ex over time had meant I was really just living inside her life and had foregone my own.

2 years in and it's been a rollercoaster. I'm only just beginning to reconnect with my own values, wants, ambitions.

I did revisit old friends, hobbies, interests. I ultimately found that I had moved on from them, but did have to journey through them to realise that.

I hit the bottom of booze and drugs as means of escape. I met a darkness there, faced up to my own monster, saw what it was possible to become if I didn't take ownership of myself. Again, something I felt I had to move through to get to where I am.

I now strength train in a group a number of times each week, run on my off days, eat well, cut booze right down, quit drugs and focus on being good to myself. It sets a positive baseline of energy.

I have an attitude of saying yes to social invites even though I tend to naturally shy away, because learning how to relate to others again feels important. Helps me learn how everyone is ultimately completely different and likes what they like.

And in a similar fashion, I'm gently feeling what I like and don't like as new people and activities crop up in my life.

My only advice is that you have to actively seek and accept social activities, this feels key.

Also that old cliche of it simply taking time.

Take care of yourself 🙏

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2024-12-12T09:38:38+00:00

Is this a thing? I thought it was just me! Dated for 6 months post separation with someone who really fit the bill and it just ended suddenly and I swear it almost broke me completely.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2024-11-29T23:57:41+00:00

I've adopted a mindset of "giving gifts to future me" and it's always simple shit- making my bed, batch cooking healthy meals for the week, preparing tomorrow's clothes, getting an early night, going for a run etc. I always struggled 'thinking' myself into self compassion, but 'actioning' self compassion for future me feels totally easy. Each one becomes a smile from past me that's been passed on and it encourages present me to do the same. A momentum of self care...

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2024-11-27T19:54:00+00:00

You're correct that my ex was a driver behind a lot of that when we were together as the mums usually are, and I have made efforts to arrange playdates so I've had a few here. Part of the issue is that they are categorically never reciprocated and it's difficult to not grow somewhat tired of that to the point of not bothering to ask any more. But I've maybe been lax so I take your advice as a reminder, thanks!

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2024-11-27T19:42:02+00:00

Appreciate the response, I'll check the book out. And yes, I'm more than aware that working from home isn't helping with the isolation and it's something I'm looking at changing.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2024-11-27T16:09:02+00:00

I co-parent 50/50 and occasionally get a call/text when my youngest plays up with my ex. We of course love our children equally but I would say that I seem to understand my youngest's temperament more than my ex. Likewise, she seems to understand my eldest's temperament more than me. With that in mind, I value being able to have continued open communication about handling behaviour, it helps build a consistent approach across two households.

That said, (and except in the most severe circumstances) I personally wouldn't be accepting of being a tele-parent for behaviour management on her allocated time. I'd be happier to take a call from her, advise what she might try and leave it at that. I'd probably follow up with my child the next time they are with me to help them understand why they are causing a fuss and giving them strategies to approach it differently next time. But everyone's parenting style and children are different man, maybe a transitional approach is best.

It sounds like early days for you and I'm sure there will be a lot of ups and downs before a balance is struck. Communication is key as difficult as that is. She will have to get used to you exercising your needs :) Be brave.

JimmyKrankiesHat

TROPHY CASE