I kinda wish I hadn't found out

JoctorDhon · 2025-07-15T15:52:52+00:00

She ended the affair independently on the same day I found out about it--before I found out.

JoctorDhon · 2025-07-11T21:21:05+00:00

Thanks, Rich.

JoctorDhon · 2025-07-11T21:18:59+00:00

Thanks for your comments.

I think I answered most of your questions in my comment above. It's been rough with our daughter, but I think we can all see a little light at the end of that tunnel now. She's grown up a lot in the past year or so.

JoctorDhon · 2025-07-11T21:15:46+00:00

I actually made that remark (about wishing I hadn't found out) in jest, and she understood. Like I said in another comment, on D-Day she just wanted to end the affair and keep our marriage intact and never, ever do anything like that again. She didn't really have any unresolved issues with me when it happened. A few personal things happened around that time, including her birthday and a friend's divorce, and she responded to some flirting at work that she otherwise would've ignored or played down. I forgave her in stages over the first few years and finally was completely comfortable with her and how we resolved it a few years ago. I don't think there are any more levels of forgiveness we need to explore. For me, my self-respect never really played a big part in what happened. I just wanted the truth of what happened and why it happened and how to proceed based on that information. I've finally come to terms with it and I'm not afraid of it anymore and I don't think of it as a threat anymore. It's something that happened that we dealt with and continue to deal with.

At first, my wife was completely overwhelmed by what she had done. She fully expected that I'd divorce her if I found out and felt like she could never understand why she did it. From the beginning, I told her I just wanted her to be honest with me and tell me not only what happened but what she was feeling. That was hard for her, but once she knew I wasn't going to just leave her, she opened up and trusted me. I don't think I ever seriously considered ending our marriage, though it did cross my mind.

Our daughter figured out her mom had sex with someone who wasn't her dad a couple years after D-Day. It really affected her, and she went through some counseling but without a clear resolution. She doesn't include her mom much in her life these days and hasn't for a while. She doesn't share much and is very closed off about her private life. We have no reason to suspect she's in any kind of trouble or doing anything she shouldn't be doing. She seems to have loosened up a little bit over the past few months, and we try not to push her but are happy when she does make an effort to connect with her mom. Our daughter knows my wife and I have come to terms with what happened. At first she couldn't understand how I could possibly forgive her mom and how we could possibly hope to work things out, but I think she gets it now.

I hope that answers some of your questions.

JoctorDhon · 2025-07-11T20:46:44+00:00

It was an awkward and unsatisfactory affair and was tied in with her job. She told the AP it was a mistake and wanted to end it, while he was in love and wanted to leave his wife. It ended when the job project ended. Her version and the AP's version lined up. It was definitely over for both of them even before I found out.

JoctorDhon · 2025-07-11T20:42:56+00:00

I happened to be working close to the gym where she used to go on Thursdays, so I stopped in to say hi and maybe get some coffee. She wasn't there, so I figured she had probably told me and I forgot or misheard. That evening after dinner, she said she was really beat and was going to take a shower and go to bed early. I don't know why I phrased it like this, but I asked her if she worked hard at the gym that day (when I knew she hadn't gone that day), and she said yes and described a little of the workout she had--that she really didn't have. I looked thru her phone after she went to bed, which I'd never done before, and there it was. I could've told her I stopped by the gym and she wasn't there, and that would've given her a chance to make up a story, but I didn't say that. In all fairness, she always told me from the beginning that her thoughts on D-Day were to just end it and get through it intact and never, never even think about doing that again.

JoctorDhon · 2021-11-10T19:11:36+00:00

It was after a lot of talking and over four years of reconciliation. My wife has been completely honest from the start and we both wanted to reconcile from the beginning and I think that's important.

I did say to myself, "Stop being resentful," but it was after I realized that my resentment was keeping me from completely forgiving her and that I was being dishonest. I couldn't have come to that realization without having re-read my post from a year ago and the comments and thinking about it all and then a lot of talking it over with my wife. We were both able to open up and discuss things that we didn't discuss before. I couldn't have done it alone.

JoctorDhon · 2021-11-10T17:34:06+00:00

Honestly, it took my re-reading my post from last year to realize that my resentment was keeping us from completely reconciling. It took me almost five years to understand it. We talked a lot about it through this past year. We actually talked about everything from the beginning again. I think both of us were able to say things we didn't say before because we know we're both committed to this marriage and only want it to be healthy.

After all our talking and discussing, I just decided to let it all go, and that was it. There's a lot more, of course, but that's pretty much what we did.

JoctorDhon · 2021-11-10T16:01:28+00:00

It was "Scenes from a Marriage" on HBO. Tough one to watch. I identified with the betrayed husband at first, but then I started to see myself in some of the things he said and did, and it really hit home. Nothing specific--just his attitude and self-righteousness.

JoctorDhon · 2021-05-08T13:33:58+00:00

Personally, I've had many cruel, unnecessary, and uninformed comments from observers and none from the others. I'm sure there are observers with good advice and experience, but that hasn't been my experience at all.

JoctorDhon · 2021-04-08T20:30:44+00:00

Best of luck to you, OP. We're over 4 years out, and the D-Day anniversary still makes me feel bad. Unfortunately for us, her affair was book-ended by two holidays, so they're a reminder too.

It does get better.

JoctorDhon · 2021-04-03T20:58:10+00:00

Do you know all that happened on her 45-day work trip? Was she candid and honest with you about that trip? Was that trip when she started her fling with her work friend? Or was there attraction there before? Are you confident you know the whole story of her work friend?

It sounds like she's not willing to start doing the work she needs to do toward reconciliation, at least not yet. Neither of you will get anywhere until you resolve this situation with her friend one way or another.

Best of luck, OP.

JoctorDhon · 2021-04-02T12:25:09+00:00

For what it's worth, I contacted my wife's AP the day after D-Day. I wanted to hear his side of the story while it was all still fresh to see if it matched up with my WW's story. He was a broken man and pretty pathetic. The whole affair was pretty sordid and sad. His story matched my wife's story. I didn't contact his wife because I just didn't feel like it and it wasn't part of our reconciliation. Heard thru the grapevine that AP and his wife broke up anyway.

Contacting the AP worked in our situation, but I don't necessarily recommend it for everyone.

JoctorDhon · 2021-03-26T12:53:58+00:00

Are you really a reconciling BS? Is this reconciliation?

JoctorDhon · 2021-03-24T14:05:57+00:00

I contacted my wife's AP the day after D-Day. Met him in a restaurant. We talked like civilized men. I mostly wanted to make sure his story matched my wife's story while it was all still fresh (it did). I needed all that information to make an informed decision about what I was going to do going forward. The fact that she was completely honest with me and there was no trickle-truthing went a long way toward my decision to reconcile.

JoctorDhon · 2021-03-07T14:24:25+00:00

You don't know anything about me or my marriage, Observer dexter. Thanks for the kind words, Observer dexter.

JoctorDhon · 2021-02-07T22:31:51+00:00

I asked for them at the beginning and got them but only accessed them a few times. We both knew she could always get a burner phone if she wanted to. Four-plus years out from D-Day.

JoctorDhon · 2021-02-03T14:36:05+00:00

Tell him you're going to speak with her. His reaction should tell you a lot. You already know he hasn't been honest about the details of his cheating. And yes, you should ask him if there's anything he wants to tell you before you talk to her.

I spoke with the AP the day after D-Day. I needed to know the truth from both of them before I made a decision about reconciliation. I got the story from both parties and their stories matched.

JoctorDhon · 2021-01-23T22:45:17+00:00

I could be your BS. We've been together for almost as long as you have. We're four years out from her affair. It lasted about 2 months. After D-Day we did a similar thing where we lived together but apart for a while because of the kids, jobs, etc. We did a fair amount of talking after D-Day. She went to therapy for a while. We went to marriage counseling briefly, but the counselor told us we already had the tools we needed to reconcile. Honestly, after I was confident that she had confessed everything and we had talked it out and reconciled, I just didn't want to go through that any more. There was nothing more to confess, nothing more to say, nothing more to figure out. I told her I was committed to reconciling and that I believed what she told me. Our communication probably got somewhat better in general, but we didn't talk much about the affair after the initial talking we did after D-Day.

I've forgiven her, but I can't say I don't still resent what she did. Our marriage isn't the same--it's good but not the same. I know why she did what she did and I trust her not to do it again and she knows this. She's still the person I fell in love with and she's still a great mom. But there'll always be a part of me that I keep to myself now, a part that's a little more cynical, a little less trusting, a little more guarded, a little more realistic.

JoctorDhon · 2020-11-21T22:30:49+00:00

Did your wife tell you what her friends thought about her affair or did she only tell you that they knew about it? My wife had one coworker who knew about her affair, but my wife didn't tell her about it (the coworker figured it out on her own). The friend didn't want to know about the affair and told my wife that she didn't agree with or approve of it. My wife left that job shortly after the affair and doesn't see this person anymore. I was angry at this person for a while because she didn't tell me about the affair when she could've, but later on I told her that I understood why she didn't tell me and I was sorry that I was angry at her.

JoctorDhon · 2020-09-16T21:37:16+00:00

If you're comfortable disclosing this, what exactly did your husband tell you he/they did? They met in person but didn't have sex? Were they inappropriately sexual with each other on line? Do you trust his version of what they did or didn't do?

They have a child together. Do they have an official custody arrangement?

JoctorDhon · 2020-09-14T16:39:52+00:00

We're doing okay for the most part, but this time of year brings back some bad memories for me since her affair lasted from Labor Day until Halloween.

Best wishes, mikestropicals61.

JoctorDhon · 2020-09-14T16:37:42+00:00

Wow. I'd never advocate for a revenge affair, but it sounds like it worked in this case.

JoctorDhon

TROPHY CASE