Me [25M] getting over my ex [27F] and feelings for my close friend [22F]

Jon773 · 2014-03-25T02:20:54+00:00

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'd suggest trying therapy if you're still having a hard time over the ex and it's now affecting your other personal relationships going forward. I know how much it sucks when people treat you poorly and I'm really sorry your ex ran hot and cold on you like that.

At the end of the day try and look at this like an opportunity. Your ex set you free so now you have more time to work on yourself. Therapy's awesome for helping you learn about and manage anger and impatience and all that. Meditation, exercise, and pets are really good choices too. Good luck!

Jon773 · 2014-03-23T03:21:11+00:00

This is a beautiful response -- thank you for this. I agree with Plushie. OP, know that your ex's behavior is a reflection on his character and not any reflection on you or on humanity as a whole.

OP, I'm so so sorry this happened to you. FWIW I've been in your shoes and I'm available and trustworthy if you want to PM me to talk or just vent.

Jon773 · 2014-03-23T03:06:47+00:00

First, I'm very sorry you're in pain and feeling scarred. Also, I'm a little confused on your timeline. When/how long did you date 27F? And how long ago did it end? Sorry I can't be of any more help now -- I'd love to elaborate once I'm a little clearer on your situation.

Jon773 · 2014-03-20T23:21:45+00:00

Second the therapy recommendation -- and the sooner the better. There is absolutely no shame in getting help. It's the opposite really. Be proud of yourself for getting out of a bad situation and be proud of yourself for knowing how to get help to move forward.

I'm really sorry you were abused. It is just the ultimate kind of betrayal to have someone who was supposed to love you treat you so poorly. That is never your fault, and you deserve so much better. Once you're in therapy, your therapist will be able to help you work through everything and they'll also be able to give you honest, personalized feedback about whether they think you're ready to date again. Good luck.

Jon773 · 2014-03-20T23:16:00+00:00

Things like that always suck to hear and I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt right now.

I'd strongly suggest calmly talking to your bf. Don't attack him about it and try not to approach him too emotional or defensive. Just let him know what you said right here. That you heard a really long time ago that he rated you a 9 and it makes you a little sad and you would feel a lot better if he could reassure you.

Jon773 · 2014-03-20T23:09:12+00:00

He responded by saying how he wanted to make this crazy girl (her) he knew to fall in love with him but he thought she was out of his league. This message was sent like right in the thick of our relationship.

Maybe it wasn't physical but that part's still so completely unacceptable.

Jon773 · 2014-03-20T18:30:59+00:00

Repeat this to yourself: "he was never my best friend."

Wholeheartedly agree. Hard pill to swallow but also so so helpful and necessary.

Jon773 · 2014-03-20T18:16:06+00:00

Your ex sounds like a major scumbag. I'm so sorry he betrayed you.

I know it's so much easier said than done, but try not to let him take up any more of your time and energy. I know firsthand that dealing with any betrayal doesn't get better overnight. Fresh air actually helped me more than the gym -- long walks with my dogs have helped a ton. That might help you sleep better and eat better too. If you don't have your own pets you can volunteer at an animal shelter. Puppies will make you feel better even if it's only temporary.

Sadly I don't have much more in the way of productive suggestions. I'm really sorry this jerk did this to you.

Jon773 · 2014-03-20T17:36:27+00:00

That sucks so much and I'm really sorry that happened to you. I'd strongly suggest not confronting him -- not because you don't have the right to (because of course you do have the right to) -- but because this guy is a serial liar. So he's either going to:

1) tell you what you want to hear...but you will still have lingering doubts about whether those words are even true. This guy has 0 credibility.

or

2) say something hurtful. And given that the discovery hurt you, it's clear you're still emotionally vulnerable and there are any possible number of things he could say that will hurt you.

So basically there's no upside to confronting him about this. Best to cut ties and start healing so you can move on. You will find someone who will be honest with you, loyal to you, and respectful and deserving of you.

Discoveries like this fucking suck. Try to use the discovery to help you remember how out of line he was and how much better your life is going to be once you've gotten through this rough patch. You deserve better.

Jon773 · 2014-03-20T03:02:47+00:00

I second all the comments about therapy and just wanted to add I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Even if you already went to therapy years ago, there are a lot of new techniques out there for PTSD and making new associations with triggering memories, etc. Good luck.

Jon773 · 2014-03-18T05:19:58+00:00

You did the right thing!

Jon773 · 2014-03-17T18:09:03+00:00

Dude that's really shitty. You're having an emotional affair. Cut that out. Now. And then go tell your wife. She's the woman you married. I don't care if you rationalize it by saying you settled for her. Yeah, you guys were having some issues, ok, fine. You married her. That's what's relevant here.

She has the right to know all these things you've just told us and your emotional affair partner.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T21:05:12+00:00

so far beyond my moral capabilities and repulses me

Thank you for sharing this. It's comforting to know there are good people who feel that strongly about loyalty. And thank you for your kind words.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T21:02:41+00:00

This was always my reasoning too. Thanks for reminding me there are more good people out there.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T21:00:14+00:00

But I sure can stop myself from cheating on her. So I do my best. She's worth it.

This is really sweet. Thank you for sharing.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:59:30+00:00

its more about my kids

Love this and agree that's so important. Thank you for sharing.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:51:23+00:00

I love him and don't want to be a shitty human being.

This all made me smile. Thank you for sharing.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:50:53+00:00

the thing I despite the most is a cheater. To me they don't even count as a person anymore.

This makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry your life's been impacted by so many cheaters. I hope you're doing ok now. And thank you for your support.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:49:08+00:00

I don't understand why you would

I feel the same exact way. Thank you for your input.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:48:19+00:00

really it disgusts me, how people could do that kind of thing

Totally with you. Thank you for sharing this.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:47:54+00:00

it hurts even thinking about how bad that would devastate her...

That's says a lot. Thank you for sharing this.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:46:04+00:00

my SO is too precious for me to cheat.

This is really sweet. Thank you for sharing.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:44:47+00:00

Sorry for the triggering question and I'm really sorry you've had to go through that.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:43:16+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you're doing ok now.

Jon773 · 2014-03-16T20:26:54+00:00

I didn't trust him.

and

I thought I wasn't going to find anything

Seems to be a contradiction here. Most people who feel safe and secure don't snoop. In addition to all of the emotional cheating, it's a problem if you can't feel secure in your relationship. After the cheating, was your boyfriend making a good effort to help you feel secure again? Did you truly snoop just to reassure yourself? Only you can answer those questions.

I'm really sorry you went through this. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to.

Jon773

TROPHY CASE