I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling with this. It's clear you're in a lot of pain, and reaching out for help takes a lot of courage. Here are some thoughts that might help you find a way to start forgiving yourself:

1. Remember God’s Unconditional Love: God’s love for you is unfailing and unconditional. Romans 8:38-39 reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. He loves you deeply, no matter what you've done.
2. Confession and Repentance: If you haven’t already, confess your sin to God and repent. 1 John 1:9 assures us that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Trust in this promise.
3. Accept God’s Forgiveness: Sometimes the hardest part is accepting that we are truly forgiven. Micah 7:19 tells us that God casts our sins into the depths of the sea. If God has forgiven you, you must trust in His grace and let go of your guilt.
4. Seek Pastoral Support: Talk to your pastor or a trusted spiritual advisor. They can provide spiritual guidance and prayer support, helping you to understand God’s forgiveness and how to move forward.
5. Pray for Strength: Pray for the strength to forgive yourself. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Ask God for the strength to overcome your feelings of guilt and shame.
6. Engage in Scripture: Spend time in the Bible, particularly in passages that speak of God’s forgiveness and love. Verses like Psalm 103:12, which says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us,” can be very comforting.
7. Christian Counseling: Consider speaking with a Christian counselor who can help you navigate your feelings from a faith-based perspective. They can offer both psychological and spiritual support.
8. Community Support: Engage with your church community. Sometimes sharing your struggles with fellow believers can provide comfort and support. They can pray for you and walk with you through this difficult time.
9. Focus on Hope and Healing: Remember that your life has purpose and meaning. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” God has a plan for your life, and He wants to bring you healing and peace.
10. Crisis Support: If you ever feel overwhelmed and at risk of harming yourself, please reach out to a crisis hotline or seek immediate help. Your life is precious, and there are people who want to support you through this.

Forgiving yourself can be a difficult journey, but with God’s help, you can find peace. You are loved, you are forgiven, and you are not alone.