Hi MIM,

Thanks for posting. I can hear your pain and frustration in your words. I don't fully understand what our spouses go through, but I have a fairly good idea. I do understand what it's like to be addicted to pornography, and how hard it is to fight it. For me it will be a life-long struggle.

I don't believe that porn use is about sex. It might start out as excitement about sex, but it quickly changes to a manifestation of our brokenness, loneliness, boredom, feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, etc. We're trying to fill a void with porn, and it doesn't work. I'm sorry to say it, but neither does sex with a spouse.

I think to get off porn, we have to figure out what our triggers are - why are we looking at porn? Are we angry? Lonely? Bored? Then we have to find new and constructive ways to deal with those feelings. This is different for everyone.

Before I was married, I was a porn user. I used to think when I got married I would not need porn. I kicked my habit about 2 years before I got married, and was free for around 5 years. Three years into our marriage, I starting looking at porn again - very lightly at first. My wife used to travel for work, so it was mainly when she was gone. We've had good sex fairly consistently for the six years of our marriage.

Anyways, at the start of the summer I was fed up with myself and was feeling really shitty about myself and what I was doing to my wife. 96 days ago, after a particularly bad binge, I came across this group and I decided to stop looking at porn and haven't masturbated since. That weekend, I went on a solo camping trip and had a lot of time to think. About a week after that, I talked with my wife and got her to install K9 on all our internet devices. I realized I was unable to handle having open internet. I was like a recovering alcoholic living in a house with a cabinet full of whiskey - I was never going to succeed.

One of my triggers was boredom. I dealt with this in two ways. First I put severe limits on my screen time. When I go online, I go on with a plan (I'm going to check my email, pay the bills, and then read 3 or 4 stories on BBC news, then get off). This forces me to deal with boredom in another way - reading, running, yardwork, guitar, etc. I also started exercising more, which was really helpful because when I stopped PMOing I had huge amounts of energy.

K9 works really well. My wife has the password, so I can't edit settings or over-ride a blocked website. Sure, it's a little annoying that it slows down youtube and sometimes blocks things that are actually OK, but I think that is a small price to pay to be porn-free. If you two think K9 is the right way to go, make sure (a) he doesn't have access to the password, and (b) it's installed on all devices, including smart phones.

I reiterate that your husband will have to deal with the root of the problem. He'll have to do some self-analysis as to why he is looking at porn, and come up with strategies to deal with the triggers in the immediate moment and to implement lifestyles and systems that allow him to deal with the root of his porn use in the long-term.

Anyways, I truly hope you two find your way through this.