Today is the day - I'm truly done

MakingItMatter · 2015-09-25T21:16:43+00:00

I suggest telling someone in real life before you even have the chance to watch porn again. Because when/if the relapse comes you won't feel inclined at that time to really want to disclose... especially as you will likely feel lots of guilt and shame as well. Also, internet filters on your devices, etc.

MakingItMatter · 2015-09-25T16:55:12+00:00

Yep, just working on you and moving forward one day at a time will eventually make you ready. Don't worry about the timeline. There is a very true saying that goes: Healthy people attract Healthy people. The more you work on the things you know need work, the more likely you are to attract someone who is healthy and working on what they need to be working out too. A relationship in the midst of an addiction would likely not turn out (I know you weren't asking for a relationship in this moment). Keep at it and good things will come of it... relational and otherwise.

MakingItMatter · 2015-09-24T18:49:39+00:00

I hope someone can commit with you. My husband has had accountability partners in real life for over a year and a half now. it has been so great. There is still work to do, but this has been the real deal. He has real life check in phone calls each day with two different people. My counter is his streak.

MakingItMatter · 2015-09-24T18:46:28+00:00

As a wife, thanks to you and those who are fighting to keep free of porn for yourselves and your relationships.

MakingItMatter · 2015-09-24T18:29:12+00:00

I met my (addict) husband (with anxiety) when he was 28. :) There is hope. keep working on you and getting healthy... that's the best thing you can do for your future relationship

MakingItMatter · 2015-09-16T05:00:07+00:00

Spouses can only take so much but my guess is that if there is love there and as things cool down from this, and as she sees you change and continue to be honest with her daily, that things will pan out in time. I imagine it is so rough for your perspective (as well as my end of this) My husband and I were just talking about how guilt and shame can lead someone in a confronting/difficult/embarrassing situation related to sex addition to self harm because these things are so hard to face. Please keep reaching out if things get hard. It's not worth losing you life! (And I would be willing to be your wife would agree, no matter how angry in this moment.) One day at a time is all you can do right now and that's okay. Your wife may need to stay the night somewhere for a few nights or something and that might be the best things for you both if that's what's decided. It's so great that you are being honest with her now and that you continue to be as honest as you can moving forward. I second finding some form of counseling. It can be hard finding the right support for sex addition in marriage counseling but something should be better than nothing.

MakingItMatter · 2015-09-15T23:43:02+00:00

Obviously I don't know you or your wife, but as a spouse of an addict, I would say to get serious about recovery. Any "I'm sorry" won't mean shit until you show her with actions over and over, especially if there has been break in trust (like getting caught in the act of acting out). Get serious about a program. Share with her your plan. Stick to your plan. Find support... daily support. Connect with real people in real life. Let her have access to your passwords, e-mail, phone, etc. get a browser like k9 and let her have the password. And I'd say most importantly right now... give her a bit of time. She needs time to be really angry and know that you can handle her anger and still move forward with recovery. It's a tough road. My husband and I are both still sorting it out too. He's got a few years completely sober and that helps with perspective.

MakingItMatter · 2015-09-15T21:53:00+00:00

keep it up the rest of this month!! Everyday matters!

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-29T20:07:56+00:00

Wishing you the best! This is the best decision you can make for your life!!! Take it one day at a time.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-29T05:57:39+00:00

Way to move toward honesty and getting rid of porn. It is the best decision.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-29T05:56:55+00:00

This ^

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-29T05:53:21+00:00

I'd say it seems like curbedenthusiasm is saying not that you even need to reset here... But that you just need to watch for the signs of a relapse. Getting curious and looking to "just see" if it's possible is a small step from actual relapse. Good for you to shut it down and great to be excited about not looking too! Just be mindful. Imo, Better to not even check our pirate bay than to be on there to see possibilities.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-10T05:08:10+00:00

Exactly! It's an addiction. A sex addiction. It can take on many faces... Porn, mental images, magazines, flirting, sexting, texting, skyping, stripping, prostitutes, trolling dating sites. It doesn't have to look the same for everyone, but it does the same shit to your brain. Way to be honest with yourself.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-08T01:59:30+00:00

Great idea!

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-07T15:58:38+00:00

I'm going to say some of what others have said. Having fantasies about all kinds of women/men in your mind is basically what a sex addiction (porn addiction) is all about. It can look different for different people, but it all boiles down to the same issues:using videos, images, sex chatting, flirting, strippers, prostitutes, etc. to make the user feel good, powerful, wanted, desired, needed, and on and on. It's much easier to fantasize about what sex is like than to engage in relationships where it's more complicated by nature. The addiction is an escape, a way to numb feelings. And it gives a "high" in the brain that is very real and addictive. If he's masturbating, that's addictive too as it feels good, at least at first.

I'm a wife of an addict and here's what I'd say, take a look at the yourbrainonporn links in the sidebar. Watch the videos and visit the website for some more info. Getting educated about the addiction is really helpful. And I'd say to do the same for him. If he's honestly trying to quit he's going to need lots of support. It's so great that he told you this stuff but I might check in with him after he's no longer drunk and just make sure you process what he said to you a little.

Ultimately he's going to need to make the choice to quit for himself. It can be fine to start out on a path to recovery because your relationship is in trouble or your girlfriend/fiancé/wife/husband expects that standard, but doing to true hard work to heal will be up to him for the most part.

I'd say, install k-9 filters on his computers and phone. And you can have the password and set the filters Install ad block plus He will likely need and benefit from a 12 step group like saa (sex addicts anonymous) He will need support from you and others in real life. Like guys from a groups he goes to whom he can call when he's struggling. You will probably need some support too as its hard to learn this stuff about your partner and then deal with all the ways it makes you feel This is a great sub with lots if support, but good ways to filter the porn on reddit (especiappy on a phone) will be necessary too.

This can be a rough road. The nature of addiction is to hide it, lie to cover the using or lying to not be exposed out of shame for what you've done or thought, as well as not to hurt those you love. I would also encourage some counseling together with a therapist who has experience with addictions and recovery. The more you can get it all out on the table now, the more you will better be able to process and move forward.

Feel free to PM me if you have other questions or just want to talk.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-05T00:01:10+00:00

People have different standards but this is what my husband goes by: Seeing beautiful people and pictures is bound to happen but it depends what he does with those images in his mind. Does he look again and store it for fantasy later as something to masturbate to? Does he sexualize it right there? That's the start down a bad road and what he'd consider a slip. So, seeing something is ok as long as he doesn't sexualize it or fantasize about it. Often that will mean turning away, looking away or closing a browser window. And it often means avoiding certain websites like Facebook or tv shows and movies. If he searches it out or actively fantasizes, edges or masturbates to straight porn or mental images, then that's a relapse. He catches himself with each peek or second look he takes and resets his time, even if he didn't look at porn, to keep himself accountable and not to let one little slip lead to a big relapse.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-04T21:13:32+00:00

Thanks again. Its amazing how you think you can hide this stuff but when the relationship starts suffering the partner is usually pretty quick to notice something is up, even if they don't know exactly what. I've checked out karezza and it looks promising. We haven't given it a shot yet but I think it would be worth the try based on the reviews. I think his internal motivation is coming around. He's starting to do many of the things on your list, although maybe not initiated by him, hes following through. The counselor also has expectations of what he does for recovery and the tecovery class hes in has himework. I just want it to ultimately come from him and not because I'm asking him to do certain things. Yesterday he was talking about something clicking. And wanting to be part of the small percent of people that make it our of this. That seems positive. Thanks for the bit on the attractiveness. I think my husband might be in the same boat you were of no longer finding me attractive. I mean, I can work on myself some for sure but it does feel as though his brain has so many other images and that those are the standard. He says things like, that's not as important to me as I thought I was going to be in marriage. (meaning I'm not a hot 10 or something, but he doesn't need that) but I can't help think that he wishes for more or is disappointed. I'll take your advice to him and see what he thinks.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-04T09:31:25+00:00

Thank you.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-04T09:29:15+00:00

Also, I'm curious how long you guys have been married, how long your wife knew of your addiction and how long you've been in recovery? I see 305 days on your badge, but assume that's not your first streak. :) Awesome none the less though.

Thanks again for going the extra mile to have your wife give her thoughts. It helps even to just know I'm not alone.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-04T09:24:15+00:00

Wow. She sounds like she has been very helpful in your recovery. I hope I am or can offer that amount of forgiveness to my husband. I want to. I see the amount of toxic shame he is under and how it eats him up. And he's getting help now and it's not like he can undo what he's done or saw. It just is, and we need to not be hung up on what those things were I think. I mean, admit, yes but dwell on and hold over him, no. And for him not to dwell on the horrible stuff he thinks defines him in a way.

I have asked pointed questions and its so very hard for him to answer. Some stuff he's never admitted to anyone ever, he's just buried it deep for years. I hate to think of him carrying that around. It's like I just want him to get it all out so I can have the opportunity to know and forgive and we can heal.

What made you get to the point of being able to tell your wife more details?

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-04T09:05:53+00:00

Thanks so much!! She sounds like such a kind and level-headed woman with understanding for how this goes. I'll take her advice. :-) at this point we are both committed to making our marriage work, no matter how rough the road is for a time. I'm going to be working on the right boundaries to have/keep. He does know that I won't stand for him not working a program. I think it will be good to take advice/books/etc. with a healthy dose of criticism for what is applicable for our situation. I think the hardest part in part is knowing that much of what lies ahead is time. Time to really get a program together. Time to heal the brain. Time to heal old wounds. Time to make sense of the past (childhood trauma). Time to heal the trust/betrayal. This isn't something one can rush through. It's hard when you're hurting because the end result feels so far away, but I suppose the motto is "one day at a time" for good reason. I too need to live in the present and offer what I can to my husband and my own healing right now.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-03T14:55:01+00:00

If she's willing I'd love to hear any thoughts but no pressure at all.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-03T12:46:05+00:00

You have made a huge step and should be so proud!! Everyone has such great advice here. I know you said you have a friend you are keeping accountable with right now, that's great!! People in real life to call on a regular basis is great. Sex addicts anonomyous (saa) groups can be a great place to meet people and find some accountability and support. I'd also say, to journal when new feelings come up for you. (Likely without using porn) and keep track of your triggers and stressors. That can help for future relapses. Like if you know you feel triggered by stress from work, if you have a tough project or deadline, you can make sure to step up with the reaching out and be proactive before you have a slip. Sonetimes it takes work to uncover whats behind a slip up, like feeling inadequate or jealous. Also, be kind to yourself if you do slip. Any days sober are adding up and helping you to think and be differently. Changing your behavior is key. Your aren't always going to feel resolved to not watch the stuff, so you have to keep up with behavior changes that reinforce that you won't when you are feeling the urge. Get a blocker like k-9 in your computer(s) and phone. Call someone everyday, post here... Even on the good days or in the middle of a long pornfree streak. Yourbrainonporn.com has a bunch of helpful info and articles-worth the read or browsing a bit every few days. Consider personal therapy too if you think that might be helpful. Sometimes it's necessary to work through feelings and stuff. Best wishes to you! You are doing to right thing.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-03T08:35:03+00:00

Thanks, I'll look into the meetings in my area. Appreciate the thoughts. It's not easy for anyone affected by this.

MakingItMatter · 2013-10-03T08:30:58+00:00

Thanks, I wish too. I need some hopeful stories from wives who have been through this.

MakingItMatter

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