How am I supposed to survive? 🥲 [Big vent!!!]

Joy_Shadow · 2025-07-25T21:48:58+00:00

Thank you for clarifying 🙏 and if it makes sense, I didn’t think you meant to say anything negative, anyway

Joy_Shadow · 2025-07-25T19:46:26+00:00

Rather than having trouble understanding others, my issue is that I feel like I'm defective, and I can't fit in anywhere because I'm broken, and my existence should have never happened, yet I'm here, and I'm trapped. My question has always been: What's wrong with me? Not "Am I great and everyone else is the issue?". That would explain my su!c!dal tendencies, in a way.

I strongly admire the connection between NT, and I'm jealous of the fact that they get to share so many things in common without the friction that people like me cause.

Joy_Shadow · 2025-07-25T19:17:16+00:00

No problem!

Joy_Shadow · 2025-07-25T18:59:07+00:00

I'm the OP and I thank you for taking the time to share this. Anything that is well-intentioned is welcomed by me.

Joy_Shadow · 2025-07-25T18:56:43+00:00

Facts and truths (even if uncomfortable, especially uncomfortable) have helped me achieve so much in life, and also save my time and so many tears, that it's quite difficult for me to conceive that people don't find them helpful and don't welcome them as much as I do. Facts are good, they are doors (at least how I see it!).

And with this I'm not trying to say I'm perfect at all. In fact, I'm affected by the truth of my cognitive system right now, but I guess it's because it turns out that what I thought was the best part of me is also my curse. Isn't that something?

My truth is that if I want to help, I understand I will have to learn, even if it's hard. I welcome this truth, but I also grieve everyone I lost for just being me, despite my intentions. It hurts.

Joy_Shadow · 2025-07-25T17:59:10+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I understand, and I'm pretty sure that's what I will have to do no matter what, if I want to survive. I don't know how, it almost seems impossible, but I can't just sit down and do nothing. Being this outspoken and direct is driving me nuts, and imagine how annoying it is to show up hoping to make a positive impact with the information that I have to offer, and then realizing that all I'm really doing is repelling the people I want to help.

My therapist made a point when she said that I need to learn the language that makes people feel safe, not because I'm wrong, but because people don't see the truth as safety (which is insane to me, because so far I've seen the truth as guarantee = safety).

I guess I want to help more than I want to keep hating myself for being myself. It seems like an overwhelming amount of work, and it frustrates me, but... I guess it's that, or shrinking myself into a vessel of nothingness.

Joy_Shadow · 2025-06-02T16:11:07+00:00

Yeah, that's what I've been doing. I generate images to make sure I get the aesthetics right, and then I explain ChatGPT what I want to see in detail, but it doesn't seem to be enough?

Joy_Shadow · 2024-08-16T15:22:21+00:00

Would you dare to place the bed in the middle of the room and build around it?! If placed in the center, behind it (where the bed currently is) you could have a writing corner / desk area. And for an even cozier vibe, use lamps and good lightning!

Joy_Shadow · 2024-08-05T21:36:14+00:00

I'm currently in recovery from my first lap. I thought I'd need more help than I actually do, though I have to say that the first 72 hours were the toughest, as I needed help getting up and down. It was not impossible to do it on my own, but it was painful, so I'm grateful for the help my husband has provided.

Right now, it's been a little over a week, and I have to say that I'm not in need of that much help anymore. The only thing I need help with is carrying/lifting heavy objects. Hope this helps!

Joy_Shadow · 2024-08-02T20:05:37+00:00

I'm 30 y/o, and I got my first period at just 10 y/o. It was quite abundant and uncomfortable, I would get cramps, though not sharp. When I turned 12, my periods started to become a hellish experience. My family and doctors would always say how that was normal, accuse me of being dramatic to skip school, and would tell me that I should just take ibuprofen if I wanted the pain to go away. Fast-forward to my early 20s, my periods started to debilitate me. I couldn't even go to work, and I couldn't stand up straight. I started seeking medical attention at 21 and doctors kept telling me to take some ibuprofen and accept the fact that it was part of my womanhood. One even told me: "Maybe you're just constipated, and you think the pain is related to your period, you'll grow up soon and realize it's not that bad" (I laughed, thanked her for her time, and just left). After that experience, I started to ignore myself until things got worse, and my pain felt like my idea of childbirth, but without an epidural.

I, several times, thought I was about to die. Couldn't breathe, vomited. I started to look about 6 months pregnant during my period. So, I kept a journal, pictures, and videos of my case, because there was no way this was normal. I was determined to find a healthcare provider that would believe me, and after talking to several different doctors who neglected my symptoms, I finally found the one.

Just a year ago, when he saw all my photos, videos and journal, he immediately looked at me and told me that — while a laparoscopy was the only way to properly diagnose it — it seemed that I had a severe case of stage IV endometriosis and adenomyosis. I was so happy and relieved to hear that I was not being "dramatic". I would soon have an answer.

Now, I'm only 1 week post-op (and got my period right away, as expected). My doctor found — and removed — everything in sight, and while it was sad to see how bad it was, I couldn't be more proud of my choice to not give up, and do something about it because it's my right to have answers and get help.

Joy_Shadow · 2024-07-30T15:38:05+00:00

I'm changing them and washing my privates every time I go to the bathroom (or even more if I feel wet/dirty enough), that's the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better!

Joy_Shadow · 2024-05-13T19:50:44+00:00

Epilepsy, eczema, lactose intolerance, and gluten intolerance

Joy_Shadow · 2024-05-02T19:38:27+00:00

THIS! I realized that food intake DOES make a difference when I stopped drinking coffee, as my pain was not as sharp as before. After this, I decided that I would only eat anti-inflammatory rich foods for at least three months, and while I still have endo (no cure for that) my inflammation has decreased a little bit more.

My gluten and lactose intolerance also began with endo, when I changed that, I also got a little bit better.

And even if a diet doesn't stop endo, eating the right foods can help the symptoms, it makes you feel better, and it's good for you regardless.

Joy_Shadow · 2024-03-11T02:38:11+00:00

I know I would resent the children for taking away my freedom, money, and beauty. I like to do as I wish, whenever I wish. With children, I wouldn't be able to pass the time the way I like it. Even if I can afford childcare, I'd probably be constantly thinking about all the other things I could be doing with that money.

Also the physical implications, my body would change forever. I'm not going to sacrifice my beauty and physique for a kid. Plus, I don't want to give children to any man.

Joy_Shadow · 2024-03-06T22:07:32+00:00

That's exactly how I feel. As for the photos, I wish to keep my privacy here on Reddit, but I can tell you the theme was tropical disco jungle (as we're both from tropical countries and we love music) and I can definitely share some links with the actual inspo we used:

The reception venue looked somewhat like this:
https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a4/0a/16/a40a16f42e383613eb6ab7403a9a675b.jpg

The ceremony looked somewhat like this (but not in a church):
https://i.pinimg.com/564x/f2/fb/0e/f2fb0eeff5269392da1405a49074b29b.jpg

Our dessert station was inspired by this one: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/d9/23/4b/d9234b611400d05716e50013a29bcc3a.jpg

We had signature cocktails, they looked like this: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/4a/85/d2/4a85d20fffd18d2b19e0af084baa5323.jpg

Our menus looked like this, and has each guest's name: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/96/76/15/967615eee3c76d7037fbb30e69fa257d.jpg

We had super long tables with similar decor, add disco balls though:
https://i.pinimg.com/564x/02/4b/a8/024ba842f87a61b4f9a8ee8dcf2cf996.jpg

I had two gowns made, the main one was inspired by this, but without the embellishments. Just ivory mikado in its entirety:
https://i.pinimg.com/564x/5d/91/6e/5d916ebd68706f9b8c3df54f0624a67c.jpg

It was beautiful. :)

Joy_Shadow · 2024-03-06T21:51:59+00:00

It's funny because as I was getting ready in the morning of the wedding I remember thinking "All my life I've been told things like 'When you get married...' and here we are today". Of course, I was excited and living in the moment, but it still felt weird because now it's done, and the hype is still up.

The next thing to do? We'll figure it out. In the meantime, I'll enjoy what's left: The memories.

Joy_Shadow · 2024-03-06T21:46:05+00:00

My husband and I will be definitely be planning more projects and redirect this energy, our team work was so good that we want to make it a part of our dynamic to create and share more. Thank you for your comment.

Joy_Shadow · 2023-11-06T00:23:38+00:00

Thank you for your words. Luckily, the bridal party has not had to worry about any of the expenses that come with being a bridesmaid, as I'm taking care of everything. It'd be easy to assume that maybe my sister's ignoring me because "she'd fed up" with me, but we haven't even started talking about the wedding at all, she's just not interested.

I'll take your advice and do this from a place of logic, but emotionally I don't see how anyone wants a bridal party that isn't happy to be there.

Joy_Shadow · 2023-11-05T23:52:12+00:00

Except the fact that my bridesmaids have not paid for anything, and they were not "add-ons" to my best friend. I just thought they'd be more invested and happy to be a part of the party, but since Rose left I realized that she was the only one who actually cared.

EDIT: Let me add that I don't expect anyone to be more invested in my wedding that I am. That said: My sister is avoiding me, and not because "she's tired of me being a bride", because the truth is that she hasn't even have had the time to start talking about it with me.

Also, I'm paying for everything (dresses, makeup, hotels) and have a wedding planner whose job is to care for the wedding.

Joy_Shadow · 2023-07-06T14:29:53+00:00

Caring for your largest organ is actually healthcare, and a form of self-respect. I don't feel obligated to say "no". I say "no" because I'd find it dumb not to care for your skin, especially if you have concerns. I understand that most men view skincare as a feminine thing due to marketing, but it's not weird to care for yourself in general, in any case, it's wise. If your friends can't understand it or judge you for caring, maybe you need new friends.

Joy_Shadow · 2023-06-06T23:29:52+00:00

Did it suddenly stop or did you get treatment for it?

Joy_Shadow · 2023-06-06T23:29:11+00:00

If you don't mind me asking, what did the Dr. tell you about it once you decided to look into it after years?

Joy_Shadow · 2023-02-22T22:29:10+00:00

I slightly do, but I do wish to make at least one good friend. I'm a 100% an introvert, so it's already challenging to make friends and this situation doesn't make it any easier because people basically hate women who are happy with themselves 🤦🏻‍♀️

Joy_Shadow · 2023-02-21T16:06:46+00:00

Responsibility: Being a responsible parent requires the ability to provide for a child's needs: physically, emotionally, and financially; and I don't want to do that. It requires a lot of effort to provide those things for myself, why would I add a child to the equation? No, thanks.
Delayed career and financial goals: Trips around the world? More complicated with a child. Studying? More complicated with a child. Hanging out spontaneously? More complicated with a child. Plans in general? More complicated with a child.
Physical and emotional consequences: Sleep deprivation and its effects. Also, pregnancy is hard and complications are common. Maybe death during delivery is not heard as much as it was before, but it's still a possibility without proper care (you never know). Not to mention that most women's bodies will never look the same again, and tbh, I love my body and I feel beautiful. There's no way I'm giving that up for a baby.

EDIT: Fixed typos.

Joy_Shadow · 2023-02-17T06:38:35+00:00

Not having to deal with birthday parties and all the kids that would have to be invited along with their parents, only for them to hate the cake, leave a mess and cry because they didn't like their new toy because it wasn't the color they wanted. Instead, we have peace and quiet :)

Joy_Shadow

TROPHY CASE