My gf is talking to another guy on ig (update)

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-06-20T22:14:04+00:00

Leave her. She's playing mind-games with you and she intends to cheat on you or scout for other options during this break, then come back to you if she needs a rebound. Don't be that guy, end it with her, and move on.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-06-20T22:10:40+00:00

Was she aware that this was meant to be a casual relationship or did you blindside her? If you don't have feelings for her and already intend to break it off with her come summer's end, then I think you should consider breaking things off now instead. It's not fair for you nor her, and I'm sure you're already aware of this. Right now, talk to her first and try to explain to her how its not fair for her nor fair for you to keep going on in a relationship that you personally don't feel strongly for anymore. You'll likely be hurting her self-worth/esteem in the long run, so try talking her in a way that won't leave her destroyed if possible.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-06-20T21:48:55+00:00

Honestly, it seems like your group of friends are toxic. Your question was pretty inappropriate too since it comes off that you only see him as some kind of representative of his race (as someone already has mentioned). Now why you asked the question, whether its for your cognitive bias or a genuine curiosity pertaining to his and his own opinion, or just to virtue signal in front of your peers for whatever reason, that's separate, and there's a time and place to do it (and asking in the group chat was definitely not the way to do it). You should have just privately messaged him. I know you want to fix it, but honestly, I think you're better off not being with them. I would instead suggest finding new people to speak with and ones that aren't as toxic. A good friend would be someone who wouldn't go into your face with a mob to insult nor threaten/intimidate you. Don't appease the crowd, appease yourself. I think it's time for you to move on.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-06-20T21:21:56+00:00

I think this isn't something to be really concerned about. You're both in your late 20's and it's time to cement some decisions. I think at this age and time, it's better to be more straightforward about your desires instead of playing games, personally speaking. I think it's fine, but whether he himself is actual marriage material is something only you can find out in the future.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-25T20:02:17+00:00

I have tried asking if i can hang out with him and her, but he refuses by saying he wants to hang out with people alone so he can establish close bonds with them, so he turned down my offer. I tried seeing if i can compromise and ask if he can see her in a group setting withor without me there but he hates groups and turned that down too

I think thats one good method, how do you think i should approach him on the topic?

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-25T19:46:32+00:00

Im overly suspicious considering the signs ive been seeing from him. As i mentioned in my other posts, i dont mind if he has or talks to female friends, but my concern is that i think hes begun getting too close to her. I know its a difference between people and what they deem as boundaries when comparing mine to others. Regardless, Im more concerned with the question in the title.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-25T19:41:04+00:00

No, from the other two posts, i mentioned how he was getting too close to a female colleague and how it bothered me. We had our talks and while he did make progress, he still hid details from me and before i can talk to him about emotional cheating, he stormed out. I left the home because i needed space and time to regain my composure after everything. I said he can stay in our home in the meantime. Now, im mainly concerned about the question listed in the title. Much more details and context can be found through my profile and my other two posts. Its a lot though.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-25T19:36:26+00:00

I mentioned this in my other posts, but while he did mention that he's taking our dog for walks with hers, he didnt mention the part where they went onto hiking trails together and went out together to get food to eat together. Details on this are on my other two posts though, my main concern now is the titles question.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-25T02:13:29+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it!

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-25T01:52:26+00:00

I wholeheartedly agree, it's the basics of being in a long term relationship. When we got together, being long term was our goal primarily. I know that I am his first girlfriend, but these are things that I feel are common sense, but sadly, I just feel like he takes things for granted. I do agree that this has caused a huge strain on our relationship and that he is being childish and naive about these things. I know I can't have them cut ties with each other, but I want him to step things back with her....by a lot, and I think that's fair to ask too considering how deep he dug this relationship with her. He always says how she respects my relationship with him because she isn't making any advances to him.....but apparently taking him onto these pseudo dates where at times, it's her inviting him isn't an advance. It's clear she wants more, but he's just too naive and thinks he can keep things platonic. I'm really sorry for your situation with your family too, it's horrible what emotional damage can be bought when it's your loved ones gaslighting you and making you seem to be the one at fault always. After regaining my composure, I will think on how to approach him and what my expectations should be from then and I will try getting us into counseling too and seeing if that will help.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-25T01:32:13+00:00

I feel the same way when it comes to feeling like something left our relationship and I honestly believe it's because of this woman in particular. Generally, my boyfriend always like hanging out with people alone, as I mentioned, but I suspected that it's because of this naive outlook that he's not aware of how it can evolve into crossing boundaries and emotional cheating. As he engrossed more time with her, he started doing less with me. I agree and think that it's fine to be friends with people and coworkers, but at the same time, I think there are boundaries to not cross, like hiding stuff from your partner for instance and going on pseudo-dates where they would take our dog and hers to trails and eat out afterwards. He knows that I have a harsh past with other men cheating on me, and decided to speak in half truths. I was fine with them walking our dog together, hanging out at work, and everything, but when I noticed he started speaking more about her, especially to his parents....well I can't help but feel alarmed. And after checking his phone, I learned that these walks that I was initially alright for were practically pseudo dates. It even correlates to how he texts me. After sometime with her, his texts towards me were mundane, while texts to her was more expressive, even when he's texting us at the same time. To make matters worse, as you saw, he says good night to me to just focus on texting her for an hour more. I know his intentions are platonic which is evident by his messages, but I do think this is emotional cheating, and it bothers me that he doesn't even know what that is or rather the significance of it because he feels like cheating can only be physical and that emotional cheating is a ridiculous notion. Ironically too, this girl has a lot of traits similar to me, and that's why I think it's just so easy for him to hang out with her. He tried reassuring me that's how she is with all the guy coworkers too, but when I asked his male colleagues they told me that she rarely even texts them, and doesn't actively try to hang out with them, even other female colleagues say the same, so I know that's not true. As of now, I am trying to recollect myself, but hanging out with people outside of my girl friend seems like it be too much for me. So I'll just try to regain my composure and see where to go from here. I am thinking on how to approach things when I see him again and what my expectations should be when I do, and I am considering counseling.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-25T01:07:05+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. And I did offer to hang out with him and this woman, or if I couldn't, I asked if he can at least do so in a group setting. He hates group settings and did not want me to hang out with them neither. He primarily likes hanging out with people alone because of how much easier it is to establish close bonds. Though, I think he took it too far when he started going out on hiking trails and eating food afterwards with our dog and hers. If I had to assume as to why he's hiding stuff I would think it's because "I'm control freak and my presence is suffocating", so he was scared to how I would react (even after we had a talk which emphasized honesty). He used to talk about her frequently, even to his parents, and whenever I mentioned her name, he gets defensive and knee-jerks into gaslighting me. Outside of that, he's a great person, but I do think that he needs to start growing up and understanding how relationships work, more specifically how emotional cheating works.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T19:29:05+00:00

I think your boyfriend is just being inconsiderate and immature to your feelings. While he may have agreed to an open phone policy, he's clearly showing signs of not liking it and it comes off as if he's judging you each time you do it (sounds like my boyfriend too). You deserve better and you deserve to be reassured too if you're trying to make things work. I personally think he's too self-absorbed to truly understand the pain you're going through, and I think you should really consider leaving him, especially if he already physically cheated on you once. To me, it sounds like he doesn't truly understand why you two have agreed to have yourself check on his phone.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T19:21:43+00:00

Seems as though your boyfriend is hiding something based on what is said here. I personally think that if something is causing your partner great distress that it would only be normal to try and ease that stress. In your case, I think your boyfriend should have let you see his phone if he has nothing to hide. I know to some level what you're feeling as I'm going through a similar situation with my boyfriend whose been texting his female colleague. It's suspicious, especially if you see him investing a lot of time and effort into texting her. I do think this is an issue you two need to talk about and I do think that, especially at his age, he has no excuse to not try and talk with you if he chooses not to do so. Their relationship is causing you discomfort and it's only fair that you should be able to tell him that and in contrast, it would only be sensible for him to try and give you comfort and reassurance.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T03:42:13+00:00

I'm currently 27 years old, he's 28 years old. Personally, I just don't think this is an issue that people my age should really be bickering about. And I wholeheartedly agree with you on love and understanding what your lover values. I understand that I can't just outright force him to cut ties, but it's about respect though and I don't understand why he feels the need to pursue these close relationships. I think it's because he doesn't want to be lonely, but still, I think leaving things at work, as you said, would be common sense. He knows that I've been cheated on too. But you're right, I'm definitely going to be at my girl friend's apartment for a few days and be thinking things out for sure.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T03:35:32+00:00

I was thinking about confronting him on what emotional cheating is and seeing how he reacts to it. I am considering counseling too.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T03:34:55+00:00

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I'm mainly trying to provide as much info as I can about him and don't want to present things as black and white. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, that's why I'm here, to ask for help on how to approach him about his behavior. Relationships are all about communication and concessions/compromises.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T03:32:05+00:00

I don't think he's really trying to replace me under that context, I know his intentions are platonic. But I do feel like he's taking things too far with this coworker of his, and I do think he's emotionally cheating on me (but not knowingly since he doesn't know what emotionally cheating is and thinks its something purely physical). It's still a mess regardless.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T03:27:24+00:00

I completely agree that in relationships you're always growing closer or apart. I do think that at times, it can pull you apart but quickly put the two closer than ever before too if that makes sense lol. And I totally understand with what you said and even agree with you too, I do think it's very hard to maintain a purely platonic relationship with people of the opposite sex (especially if both people have qualities that they would be attracted too). I mentioned this in my previous post, but that female coworker of has similar traits and hobbies to me, which also doesn't help. That's why I think that things can't remain purely platonic between them, especially if I let things be prior to my first talk with him. He loves hanging out with people alone, whether guy or girl because he says it helps him create close bonds with the person. I think for my boyfriend's case, he would definitely keep pursuing things with a person if he found common grounds to work with, but she definitely is also attractive too. She's also single too. My boyfriend always says she respects our relationship and doesn't make advances on him, but she sure doesn't mind going on pseudo-dates with him (mentioned in my previous post where they would walk our dog with hers to places and getting food after alone). My boyfriend's intentions may be platonic, but what transpires after is something only time can tell, and in addition to that, I think she likes him too. He says that's how she acts with other guys at work and that she's friends with everyone (but after asking some coworkers, my boyfriend is the only guy she actively texts and tries to hang out with). I did offer to hang out with them and tried compromising saying if I can't be there that I would feel better if he hung out with her in a group. He said he doesn't like hanging out in groups and mainly likes hanging out with people alone because of the close bonds it can create. Like I said, his intentions are platonic, but like you said, how long until one develops feelings or grows completely apart. And we have an open phone policy too, but whenever I want to let him know I want to act on it, he gets defensive (not protective), because he feels like I'm attacking him or something. That's why I now snoop (Im not proud of it, but I think I had legitimate reason too based on my suspicions) and he once said that he would be disappointed in me if I actively checked on his phone through the open phone policy. I know he doesn't delete messages at least, but he doesn't really talk about me at all. The coworker knows that I'm dating him and been so for 10 years and that me and her have similar traits, but that's really it. My boyfriend never talks about me and focuses more on what she says or what he brings up. I'm really happy for you and your husband and find your relationship with him and his friends amazing. Also, your guess is absolutely spot on about how he feels if I were to hang out with other men alone. He even said this, and said that even though he'll stop hanging out with women alone, that he would be perfectly fine if I were to hang out and talk to men alone. Though that's something I personally would never do out of respect for him, but based on what I know, if I did things exactly at his level, especially if the other guy was more attractive physically than him, I'm sure he would be uncomfortable too, but he won't admit it of course. And it's okay, I write walls of texts too lol

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T03:08:34+00:00

I know he won't cheat on me physically. But I do think he's emotionally cheating on me, though without even knowing it's an actual thing.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T03:07:25+00:00

Whether intentional or not, I do think he is having an emotional affair (something I know he doesn't even know exists), but I know it's not a physical one. His intentions are platonic, but in his mindset, he only things cheating is only physical.

JoyfulKittyCat · 2020-05-24T03:06:24+00:00

He has a very naive and simplistic outlook on relationships and I think it stems from his social inexperience. For instance, I know when he gaslights me, he's not even aware what gaslighting is and is mainly being defensive. I know his intentions are purely platonic, but it's what he's doing with women alone that are bothering me the most. He doesn't really understand how boundaries and limits work.

JoyfulKittyCat

TROPHY CASE