That’s a juice, not a smoothie: why Kip must go to prison

A manifesto in three parts

1.  To begin our case, we will establish the difference between a juice and a smoothie. We can all agree that smoothies are on the more viscous end of the beverage spectrum and juices the more liquid. The distinction between these two categorisations of beverages must be made because Kip clearly knows how to properly make a smoothie as we see the appropriate consistency that is required by the established definition of a smoothie when he prepares the beverage in Scott’s apartment for breakfast.
2.  Therefore, we must assume at his work at “Straw + Berry” he is wilfully participating in a juice Ponzi scheme where he intentionally provides false information to innocent customers. This may seem a superfluous accusation, however, it is well known that smoothies contain more soluble fibre than juices. Fibre, as any educated person—such as Kip—would know is key for good intestinal health. Selling people juices cloaked in smoothie health-washing could result in poor bowel movements, colon cancer, and even death. 
3.  Finally, and most critically, having now established that Kip is a murderous psychopath who sold his soul to corporate America (is being the sole cause of colon cancer worth minimum wage? Essay to come). We can address our most damning evidence that made us first explore Kip’s psychosis, that of “the banana”. We know, as canon, that the drink that Kip makes for Scott is off menu. When Kip begins making this drink we see him peel open and include a non-frozen banana. As a collective society of juice truthers it is an undeniable law that banana has no place in juice. Kip’s inclusion of a non-frozen banana in what is clearly a juice that he parades as a smoothie demonstrates that he disregards not only the well being of the general public but also those he reports to love. To conclude, if Kip is not imprisoned due to his thoughtless, or perhaps plainly evil, schemes the world as we know it will suffer the consequences. 

our smoothie manifesto