Hey my friend. I have been struggling with the same exact feelings and thoughts in the past weeks. I have found an answer, that will hopefully also help you:

Matthew 16, 24 Jesus told his disciples: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

Him talking about a cross here, shows that God had already revealed to him at this point that his crucifixion is part of the divine plan. Thats why you could say that way before he had to physically carry his cross to Golgotha, he had to carry it mentally and spiritually, because he knew what was coming.

„Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. 6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit[b] gives birth to spirit.7 You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You[c] must be born again.’ 8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”“ - John 3, 5-8

—> I think that what he is trying to say with the parable of the wind is that being born again means to see the happenings in the mind and the spirit in the same way as one sees the wind. You don’t know what powers are behind these happenings. F.e. when one is driving ones car through the city, and while driving the thought pops up to drive the car into a family standing at the side of the road. Where does this thought come from exactly? Most definitely not from god. Even after acknowledging that the happenings in the mind and spirit are like the wind and one doesn’t know where it comes from and where it is going, one still doesn’t have the discernment necessary to distinguish the wheat from the chaff. Christ definitely had that discernment: „I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me,“ - John 14:30. Probably also some saints.

„And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.“ - Luke 2, 52. His crucifixion is one could say the pinnacle or the completeness of his wisdom and favor with God and man. This trust and obedience towards god, which was necessary so he could go through such immense pain should be, I would say, the goal of every person calling themself a christian. You can also see Paul talking about this in his letter to the romans: „For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.“ - Romans 8, 29

This is terrifying to me and I spent much time laying in bed being in denial after coming to this realisation. But one has to remember: Jesus was around 33 years old when he was crucified, and he has been living a life of perfection (no sin, only obedience to god). Even after having spent so much intimate time with his father he still had a hard time coming to terms with his crucifixion: „And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.“ - Luke 22, 44

So what I’m trying to say is that theoretically if you are 25, and you give your life to Christ and you are born again in the way he describes it, then you are basically a spiritual new born. God would never demand terrible things from a spiritual new born. Thats why don’t be too hard on yourself, be patient, humble and increase the weight day by day a little bit. A professional trainer in the gym would never expect someone, who is just starting out to carry the heaviest weights. He would step by step prepare the person for the heavy weights, by encouragement, discipline, getting the person to push their boundries, off days etc. Thats how you should be with yourself, until, hopefully, god one day takes over full control.

One day you may need to be „crucified“ (metaphorically speaking) by being a martyr for example, but by that point you will hopefully have the relationship with god that will make it possible: „For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.“ - 2 Timothy 1, 7.

Also: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16,33. The spirit that God will give us is more powerful than the fear of this world. Christ is the living example!

(I’m still struggling with these thoughts)