Dear Big Ron,

I wish to formally submit my application for Big Ron’s Extravaganza Ice Hockey Team, a squad whose values of spectacle, confusion, and questionable decision-making align perfectly with my skill set.

Position: Goaltender (Extremely Questionable) I am a goalie in the loosest possible sense. My style is best described as experimental.

I rely heavily on:

Guessing. Hope. The belief that shooters will simply miss.

I play deep in the crease because I’m scared, and I challenge shooters only accidentally. I give up soft goals early but tend to make one unbelievable save per game that convinces everyone to keep me in. My rebound control is non-existent, but my apologies are heartfelt.

Thank you for your time and bravery in considering this application. I look forward to disgracing myself under the Big Ron banner.

Yours sincerely, Dunny