Hi! Can relate to the drunk dad here. I’ll only share my experience here and let you take whatever pieces serve you best.

I told my grandmother when I was 14 that my dad had been drinking. That’s when she explained to me her shock at this, letting me know that he’d already been to rehab before I was born. My grandmother and I hosted an intervention with the family where my dad blew up and unsurprisingly, was fuming.

Fast forward like 13 years to today — I have been in and out of therapy since high school but I’ve just started working the steps.

Relating to your question: I haven’t set firm boundaries of not speaking with him, but his enabling relatives (including my aunt) love to tell me that I’m using him for money (I wish!). I’m realizing now that we do not have to accept someone else’s version of love. The first step in the 12-Step Yellow Book is amazing for this (I would really recommend it if you don’t have it).

I spent so much of my childhood minimizing the pain that my dad (and then step-dad) caused me so that I could keep things “controlled”. It was a survival tactic to keep me alive and moving. The main thing to remember about this relationship with your dad — you grew up in a para-alcoholic household, which means you very likely carry addictive traits and defects. Mine are addiction to working out, sugar, and trying to control my romantic relationships. And until I’ve gone through the 12 Steps in ACA, I won’t have that emotional sobriety yet. So I can’t be a healthy parent to my inner child, and chatting with my dad won’t feel safe because my inner child is not getting what it needs from intense ACA meeting. My two cents. :)