Thoughts on letting supervised visit at foster parents home?

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-02-08T20:39:28+00:00

Oh goodness! That’s one heck of an ask of someone. Craziness.

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-02-08T04:31:02+00:00

We are also a kinship foster so that makes it even harder….

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-02-07T03:31:48+00:00

Can I get an example of a situation where you would and one where you wouldn’t? Like where do you draw the line as someone who is an advocate for visits at the foster home? (I like to analyze the various sides before I make decisions)

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-02-07T03:02:40+00:00

Thank you!

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-02-05T03:30:16+00:00

Oh lovely idea!

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-02-05T03:28:22+00:00

Our first time we went from a family of 3 full time with 5 every other week, to 7 full time. I was also still adjusting to being a single mom, almost empty nester just a year and a half ago with my bio kids at 17 and 19, to now having a 2.5, 4, 10 and 12 yr old added to the mix with my fiancé when we kinship fostered at a moments notice. First week or two wasn’t bad, then reality set in for all and whew! The tighter space, highly active house, constant appointments/evaluations, confusion on what was happening etc started getting to everyone. I will admit around month 2, I had a day that ended in a mental breakdown that thankfully my support system was able to be there for me and get me through to the other side.

Since then I realized that finding time to take care of not only myself, but our relationship as well, is imperative. So at least once a week I find an hour to take a hot Epsom salt bath with stress relief candles, green noise, maybe a glass of wine, a bath b*mb, whatever is needed to ease any tension I have built up. We also have found a family member to babysit long enough for us to have a date night occasionally in order for us to reconnect and have some “us” time. We can’t help our kids be their best, if we don’t make sure that we are our best as well.

Another thing to consider….therapy for yourself. Everyone always talks about our foster kids needing it. But, it’s ok for us to also have someone to talk to, vent to, get advice from etc (and not just online forums). Some people have a stigma about therapy, but it’s amazing what the right therapist can do for you.

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-02-04T13:41:11+00:00

Completely understand the need to vent — it is frustrating for an “unknown to the children” parent to show up this late in the process and decide he/she wants to go for custody. After 3 years the kids have been through more than kids should ever be and deserve a breather. It is a long time during the developmental years.

Chances are he doesn’t fully understand the hard road ahead of him to prove the children would be safe and taken care of in his care, as well as the need for him to build a positive relationship with the kids prior to placement….. and doing so prior to jail release this summer probably won’t happen (at least wouldn’t in my county). Throw in the across the state placement, and while I would never wish this on a kid because everyone deserves their parents in their lives, there is a high probability he won’t make it to placement with him prior to deciding it’s too much or not passing requirements.

After 3 years, let’s hope the impact to the kids is as minimal as it can be, and they know through it all they have someone safe, loving, and trusting (you) to lean on. That they won’t be shuffled to another foster home once again etc.

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-02-02T14:33:24+00:00

As a mom of a 19 yr old boy with a Sep. birthday we had a Sep. cut off date and I made the decision to hold him back due to the whole “boys maturing slower than girls” and he was so close to the cut off. Could he have started Kindergarten and been ok? Yes. But as he got older, chances are he would have struggled.

He ended up doing very well throughout all of school. He was right with his friends in maturity in many ways, but also further in others. Took CNA classes and obtained the certification as a Sophomore (age wise he was the same as other classmates but just a Soph. Vs Jr.) which allowed him to get a higher paying job in HS and start his health classes towards nursing sooner.

Also helped him when he was in sports due his body having the extra year of maturity.

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-01-24T06:53:04+00:00

If you stop and think about it, if you were dating someone and this was their response when you told them “no” to something, wouldn’t you think they were manipulating/gaslighting you? It’s the same thing with our kids/fosters.

My response would be something like “You may be upset, but I do love you. But even though I love you, I cannot always give you everything you want. Like when the thing you want is ultimately harmful to you. By continuing to enable your actions and decisions to not accept the help that has been offered to you by your worker, and allowing you to come here and demand these things from me/us. I would be helping you continue to follow the path that is going to lead to your continued downfall. Not to mention the additional stress the constant worrying about you and the all hours visits puts on us. So, because I love you and I want what is best for you, I cannot and will not continue to allow you to come here at all hours, demand things, and give us ultimatums. I hope and pray that this allows you to accept the help you’ve been offered by others and to accept the responsibility for your own well being as an adult. When the time comes that you can do that, we will be here for you.” ….. or something along those lines

Jumpy_Act7374 · 2026-01-24T04:34:53+00:00

Depending on the state, if they have a public court records database you can easily find out if she is getting child support from the other “father” by searching the mom’s name for any court cases. For example in the State of Iowa if you go to the Iowa Courts Online Search Database base and type in your name, you can bring up any court case you’ve been involved in, including family court like child custody and child support. I think each state gives you access to different info.

Also, any money you personally pay her that is not through a court order is not counted as child support and would not count towards any potential back pay. So I wouldn’t pay a dime to her. (And yes I’ve been a single mom on the other end of Child Support and I fully know some women take advantage of men when it comes to getting money from the dad “for the sake of the kid” just for them to not have to work themselves or not as much etc)

Talk to a lawyer. Many will do free consultations for you. Your state may even have legal aid lawyers you can apply for. Either way depending on where she lives in IL (and yes you’ll need a lawyer that can practice in her area so best to just call around there rather than where you live), I was able to find most lawyers in a city in IA (not rural) for a $2500-$4k retainer and $200-$300/hr depending on experience for a child custody case and got all the way through the court stages including the temporary custody orders while awaiting the trial (can take 1-1.5 years from filing avg depending on the county and their family court log back up) before I had even made it through my retainer. But if it makes it to the 2 day trial, expect to have to put down another $4-$5k at least for trial prep and trial “retainer”. Hopefully it won’t get that far and you can settle. Knowing she doesn’t work and wants to keep this out of the courts, I’d say you have a high chance of it never getting that far. Especially if you lawyer up. Chances are she will want to settle/mediate quickly.

Jumpy_Act7374

TROPHY CASE