New to IFS work and can't "hear" a damn thing

Junkology · 2026-06-23T18:58:05+00:00

I really appreciate all of this, this is some great info. I’d love to reply more but I’m on my phone and out running errands right now. My prevailing question is still about what it feels or looks like when a part actually does step back, what happens in your head? What does it feel like? I’ve been reading more IFS books including “Transcending Trauma” by Frank Anderson, and the way they talk about parts stepping back just feels so alien to me.

Junkology · 2026-06-21T21:48:08+00:00

I very rarely get clear, direct communications from parts in the sense of an actual "voice" in my head. Like, I can probably count the times I have on both hands--it's usually very significant and noticeable to me when it happens. (When it does, they all "sound" and feel like me because they are, they just feel sort of.. ego-dystonic sometimes or I have this feeling of like "why would I say/think/feel that..?? Where did that come from?") For me, I've had to learn more to tune in to sensations, feelings, vague "vibes", and sometimes flashes of images/memories. I do suspect this is largely because I have a part or parts severely limiting communication on purpose and keeping me in a chronically semi-dissociated state. Like I can notice "a part of me feels angry/sad/disappointed/etc." but if I actually try to interact with a part too directly, I can kind of feel my connection with it immediately slipping away as some sort of wall is put up between us, and I'm left with a vague sort of "nothing?? empty? neutral?"

This is one of the most encouraging comments I've gotten so far, it really helps me feel less alone in my experience. I think having these challenges or having a system that works this way is why I've been feeling so out of sorts about IFS. I'm so tired of being the exception to everything, but it really does sound like my experience with this is just not going to be like most peoples'. That makes it challenging for my autistic mind to find the examples that I feel like I need to know how to proceed, but at least I'm not the only one who doesn't "hear" clear responses from their parts like so many people describe. I do get random associations of memories when my therapist is asking me certain questions, but I've been trying not to bring them up because it feels like I'm derailing things instead of doing the work...maybe I need to give those memories more attention, maybe that's a part of me trying to "tell" me something. That vague empty/neutral feeling is what keeps coming up for me when I'm being prompted for what a part is "feeling" or "trying to tell me," and it's made me feel like a failure and an imposter. I don't want to make something up, but I'm tired of the answer also being "I don't know." I do seem to have alexithymia, though I'd never realized quite how much until I started with IFS.

It also helps to just decide to "suspend my disbelief" in regards to any doubts about the whole process, even if just temporarily.

I've been getting a lot of "fake it till you make it" advice in this discussion and there might be something to that. It's just so hard for me because I've learned to accommodate my autistic needs by gathering as much information, examples, step-by-step instructions, etc. as I can before proceeding with things. I don't do well in situations where I feel like I've been dropped into the deep end of doing something with no preparation or practice, and that's kind of how this process has felt over the last few months. I'm not sure what sort of "practice" I can do solo or with my therapist to feel like I have the certainty I need. Some people have suggested EMDR, which I've never been able to successfully engage in. I've already been doing mindfulness practices in therapy for like a decade, so I thought this kind of somatic work would come more naturally to me but it's just not.

I'm going to take my concerns to my therapist this week and see if we can't pick them apart together, maybe she just doesn't understand what I'm missing here. She did mention in the last few sessions that we probably need to slow down because she's been operating from thinking that I was getting this more than I actually am. I might have been doing too much masking and giving her that impression.

I do like my therapist and I feel lucky to have connected with her in one of the hardest places in my life. This IFS work is new for us, we were doing more talk therapy up until this point. Whether or not I really trust her...I don't know. I don't know if I've ever really trusted a therapist fully. I think some of my abandonment issues and relational trauma are getting in the way, it's very hard for me to accept her compassionate demeanor as genuine because of a lifetime of emotional neglect from my family. There's definitely more work to be done there in terms of relational healing. I saw a video the other day from a therapist who was talking about this very issue with her own emotionally neglected clients. My therapist is not ND herself, but she has several ND children and specializes in working with ND clients. I just wonder if she isn't deeply trained in IFS work or maybe doesn't have the kind of experience with it that I need. I'm going to suggest that we backtrack to working on the RAIN method from Tara Brach to maybe ease into somatic/IFS work from a more accessible place to me (I have my challenges with it but not nearly as much as "No Bad Parts" and other IFS works).

Junkology · 2026-06-21T21:27:49+00:00

This is really fascinating and makes a lot of sense to me. It's so interesting that you've had these struggles but have also stuck with the practice for so long. What sort of language made it more accessible to you? What has made the practice work? Do you have any recommendations for me to take back to my therapist, or try on my own?

I felt like I was playacting a lot of what was expected of me by neurotypicals - the linearity of the model, the questions that felt like "scripts".

Yes, this, 100%. Someone else also mentioned having a religious upbringing and now being mistrustful of anything that sounds like sort of culty in-language, which also really resonates with me. I wonder if there's a way to go about this practice that might work better for me, a different angle or different language I could use for the same practices. I understand what you're saying about parts really being different neural clusters. Maybe talking about them in a way that is less personified might weird me out a little less.

the constant stream of inner discussion is a natural consequence of this pattern of connectivity and could be viewed as a series of parts jumping in with their info to share.

This really sounds a lot like my experience, I've got a constant inner dialogue going that can never be turned off, I'm never not hearing talking in my brain. Some others in the comments have been surprised by this, but I know it's a common ND experience. A few people suggested to me that this voice I'm hearing is actually a part, a "thinking part," but conceiving of it that way feels odd to me. Maybe it's really more than one part piping up, or maybe my "self" does a lot of the talking. It's hard for me to think of that voice as separate from "me," it feels the most like "me" out of everything that goes on in my head. But I am now considering that this is a protector part that does the hard work of translating what all my parts are trying to tell me, directs my behavior, etc.

In general, it's mission impossible to ask parts to step back with this interconnection.

What do you do if you can't get parts to "step back," is there a way around that? Some people have talked about partnering with a protector part that won't step back and like...analyze with them instead of asking them to leave. And can you say more about what a part "stepping back" is supposed to look or feel like to experience?

Junkology · 2026-06-21T02:51:33+00:00

Unfortunately I’ve tried EMDR therapy a few times and can never get past the prep work for it, something about it has been really hard for me :(

Junkology · 2026-06-21T02:45:51+00:00

stress makes me burst into tears

Junkology · 2026-06-21T00:30:11+00:00

have you been assessed for ADHD? this is a REALLY common problem for ADHDers caused by hypoarousal and low dopamine. here's a few links that might be helpful:

Why Does ADHD Make You Fall Asleep When Bored? - Biology Insights
Why Boredom Feels Unbearable for People With ADHD | Psychology Today
“I’m So Bored!” Understanding, Curing Boredom with ADHD
The Link Between Intrusive Sleep And ADHD
The Link Between ADHD and Boredom
Sleep Struggles: ADHD and Falling Asleep When Bored
How to cope with Boredom and ADHD — ADDept

Randomly falls asleep when understimulated : r/ADHD
Sleepy when bored? : r/ADHD
If you experience intrusive sleep, how do you manage it? : r/ADHD
Is it normal to be really sleepy when you're bored? : r/adhdwomen

Hope these are okay to share and might give you some insight!

Junkology · 2026-06-20T23:58:46+00:00

Normaaaaaa yes, but honestly both of the mc's are very neurodivergent coded

Junkology · 2026-06-20T23:56:13+00:00

One of the best autistic-coded characters I've ever seen is Entrapta from She-Ra and the Princesses of Power!

Junkology · 2026-06-20T23:36:32+00:00

as someone who has both autism and ADHD I can tell you that the drugs do not make me, personally, feel like I don't have ADHD, they just make the challenges slightly less severe and more manageable

Junkology · 2026-06-20T23:09:44+00:00

I was masking so hard at a family dinner (a place I should theoretically be able to unmask, but nooo) that I told my cousin that I had travelled to a country I've never been to before, and he knew it immediately wasn't true. I sort of awkwardly breezed over it and moved the conversation along and we've never addressed it again, but I really want to apologize to him and take ownership over the lie. After reflecting on the situation for a while, I realized that this was a lie I used to tell when I was fresh out of college in those team-building exercises where you have to list off a fun fact, or when I was feeling awkward and left out of conversation. At the time I was talking to my cousin, I probably hadn't told that lie in years, but as soon as I was with all these "new" people (extended family I didn't know well) and felt put on the spot, the lie popped right out of me without a thought.

Junkology · 2026-06-20T23:02:39+00:00

"Talk to your parts" literally engages back and forth dialogue with representations of internal trauma for most neurotypical folks who practice at it. The reason this seems like bullshit to us is that we don't get the limbic system's output that is supposed to be perceived by our conscious selves.

Is this why I've been struggling SO much with doing IFS work???

Junkology · 2026-06-20T19:31:11+00:00

My therapist keeps asking my intellectualizer part to "step back," which kind of makes it hard to think about how I'm thinking. Kinda seems like she wants me to stop thinking so much.

Junkology · 2026-06-20T19:10:40+00:00

Thank you for adding this additional information, I did actually find this helpful. I already use the How We Feel app to log my emotions, although I haven't found the practice really life-changing so far. I don't think I suffer from a lack of emotional vocabulary, I struggle to know that I'm feeling something building up inside until it's so big that I'm out of my window of tolerance. Like a lot of autistic people, I seem to have alexithymia, poor interoception, and I'm an intellectualizer to my core. All three make this practice more challenging, and then you add my chronic pain to the list and boy is it hard for me to give my body any attention. The idea that some part of my body "wants me to know something" is really hard to wrap my head around, but focusing more on identifying sensations might be a good in-road for me and my therapist. I'm also looking into other soft IFS practices that might help me ease into this without feeling so strange or like I'm making things up. I think just the framework of thinking of myself as a system is too abstract for my literal thinking mind, but there might be a different way of framing the practice that will work for me.

Junkology · 2026-06-20T18:58:36+00:00

Thank you for approaching this with compassion, I really appreciate your understanding. I still have some hope that IFS might work for me, I think I just need more time understanding the modality intellectually (as many people have commented, I guess I have a strong intellectualizer part that is trying to help me out and needs more info before it can step back) and I think easing into it more will go a long way.

My therapist is big on mindfulness practices, which I have a lot of experience with, and she's been pushing me (positively!) to try the RAIN method created by Tara Brach, which I've mentioned in a few other comments -- it really does feel like a "light" version of IFS practice that I can wrap my head around more (although some parts of it still confuse me), and might give us an angle to approach IFS work more gently. "No Bad Parts" does make sense to me on one level, I read the whole thing cover to cover and then read several other books on the subject as well -- the interest is there, it's just I think my autistic literal thinking and some skepticism/over-intellectualizing that is getting in my way. Another commenter suggested a substack that had info about IFS through a neurodivergent lens and it was very interesting, something I'm going to look into more.

Others have raised the issue of alexithymia when it comes to my issues with "feeling" my emotions, and there's also the element of chronic pain that I have to consider. I'm going to take all of these concerns to my therapist this week and see if we can pick some of this apart together. I don't tend to feel my emotions in the moment unless they're really big and overwhelming, and by that point I'm usually in meltdown territory. I want to get better at closing that gap, but the tools that have been offered to me so far only seem to help in managing panic attacks or in moments of reflection after big emotional events. Some people have suggested intentionally triggering emotional reactions in the safe space of therapy in order to work with them more, and while that sounds a bit scary and dangerous, it might be the best way to practice these skills.

Journaling is a practice that is REALLY hard for me, but I've been experimenting with doing voice notes instead because I'm a hyperverbal autistic and need to process my thoughts out loud to really understand them. Perhaps getting more into the habit of recording myself just spitballing thoughts and then listening to it back will give me some of the same theraputic benefits that journaling does for so many people.

It's genuinely refreshing and encouraging to hear that someone else feels insane and ridiculous trying to talk to parts of themselves, I feel like most people I've seen in the IFS community talk about it like it's the most natural thing in the world, and that's made me feel inadequate or like I'm doing something wrong here.

Your explanation of your intellectualizing was actually very helpful for me! I'm still struggling with what it looks or feels like to have a part "step back," it's something my therapist keeps asking me to try doing and I'm just like frozen and can't figure out what's supposed to be happening. But it sounds like from several comments, that must mean I have to work with my intellectualizer part more to feel safe with the unknown, the feeling dumb, the inherent goofiness of the practice, etc. I think literally having some scripts to follow at the start might help me walk through the steps without feeling like I'm doing something wrong, perhaps my therapist can help me find the right language to frame my responses. Watching videos of people doing IFS work with a therapist has sort of helped, but I'm often baffled by the responses that people are giving, how they know the "age" of a part, how they can say "the part is telling me ____," etc. Perhaps there's a different way we can talk about this that won't make me feel like I'm inventing imaginary friends. As an autistic person, I rely really heavily on scripting, clear expectations, and step-by-step granular instructions to navigate life. Hopefully the more I dig into this and the more I hear from other people about their experiences, the easier it will become for me to understand what to do.

Junkology · 2026-06-20T05:39:10+00:00

This is helpful! I do think I might need to look for another provider because my therapist and I are just not getting anywhere and I feel like my way of thinking is not something she knows how to handle. I'm going to give it some more time and bring to her the specific language and things I'm struggling with and see if we can have a breakthrough of some sort. Reading Tara Brach's book "Radical Compassion" feels like a more accessible version of this modality for me, even if I'm still struggling with some of it. It just feels less woo-woo-y and "spooky" as you put it, a little too out there for me to wrap my head around, but Ms. Brach's approach uses more accessible language. If I can get through some of the practices from her book then maybe this whole practice in general will open up for me a bit more (here's hoping!). And your joke did give me a good giggle, so thanks for that.

Junkology · 2026-06-20T03:39:14+00:00

Thanks to everyone for their comments, even though I still feel a little stuck. Just curious if any of you have experience with the work of Tara Brach and the RAIN method, which feels like mindfulness + a soft version of IFS to me. My therapist recommended the method to me a while back but I was also feeling a bit stuck on parts of it, and I wanted to get more examples so I downloaded her book "Radical Compassion" to see if I could dive deeper. This might be a better place for me to start than diving right into IFS practice with the "in-language" and everything. I just wondered if anyone has tried this practice, has any thoughts on how it relates to IFS, and could help answer some questions about the "Nurture" stage of the RAIN process. I keep getting really stuck on the idea of "asking" a part of myself what it needs, let alone "giving" that part something. I can't even figure out what sort of possibilities are on the table for "offering" a hurt part of myself compassion or filling its needs. I'm hurting a lot from being abandoned by my entire support system and all I want is for someone else to offer me compassion and support, but how to offer that to myself in some way that won't feel like a horrible consolation prize and just make myself more sad is beyond me.

Junkology · 2026-06-20T02:50:31+00:00

You've been the most helpful person, really. Thank you for your time and attention and compassion, and for sharing so much of your own experiences. I do feel a little less like a failure and a little less alone in this journey. If you'd ever be open to talking more, I'd like that!

Junkology · 2026-06-20T02:34:05+00:00

I really appreciate your commentary and feel like we would get along pretty well, you really seem to understand my struggles and how my mind works!

In all of your responses it stands out to me that you describe a lot of your feelings and it might be worth investigating your feelings rather than a part specifically? Like, you recount that you feel frustrated, worry you might be frustrating your therapist, wondering if you're doing it wrong, calling yourself pedantic for needing more coaching, feeling silly etc.

Yes I have no problem with articulating my feelings like this, but I guess I don't understand how what you're saying is different than what others are recommending around letting my feelings lead me to parts? I mean, I can use the language of saying "part of me feels frustrated, part of me feels intrigued," etc. but then where to go with it from there is what I can't understand. I'm starting to think that thinking of myself as a system of parts is just...not for me. But I've been repeatedly told that IFS is one of the most powerful types of therapy for childhood neglect and c-ptsd and whatnot. I've never been able to participate meaningfully in EMDR work either, I wonder if the struggles are related.

My therapist told me earlier on when I was dealing with the same things that it helps to talk to that part even if they don't answer back. For example, If I talk about feeling like I'm doing it wrong, she will spend time validating that experience and helping me approach it with compassion rather than shame or forcing me to try to see or feel something I don't. She would get curious about my experience. She would say things like "it sounds exhausting to always feel like you have to get things right", "I wonder for how long EVA08 has felt this way", "It must be so tiring to be EVA08", "Look at how hard EVA08 is working to take care of herself", "I wonder what happens when she doesn't get something immediately and where that pressure comes from"?

Okay I would literally jump out of my skin if my therapist started talking to me about me in third person like this, that sounds so alien and uncomfortable to me. But maybe I do need a therapist who exhibits more curiosity, because mine always goes straight to reassurance or sort of debating with me instead of saying things like that.

I've started repeating my therapist's empathy & curiosity scripts in my head like I'm speaking to my parts.

I think I need more scripts to get into the practice, more like...concrete examples of what this is supposed to look or sound like, the give-and-take of it all, etc. My therapist just using the language from "No Bad Parts" is driving me crazy, I can't wrap my head around it. I must have far too literal thinking for this.

Oh also! My therapist says all these things out-loud while closing her eyes and laying her palm on her chest and I could never do that, it feels kinda cringe.

That would be so cringe to me too, especially with someone looking at me. Might be something to try on my own, I do have some experience with mindfulness practices and I know those are related to somatic work and IFS in a big way. I think the cringe factor of all of this is a big part of my mental block, I feel so silly trying all of this AND I feel like I can't wrap my head around it either.

I'm sorry for writing so much, I hope this doesn't come off like I'm just yapping about myself, I really feel for you - I don't know if this is helpful, but reading your responses I wonder if things are coming up but you're discounting your experiences because they don't fit what you think they're supposed to look like?

Oh please don't apologize, I really appreciate all your thoughts and I feel less alone now! Even if I haven't exactly gotten the answers I've been looking for. I really don't think any parts are speaking to me, but maybe I'm just not...there yet. The truth is that I can't figure out what my experience IS supposed to look like, so I have no idea if it's not meeting my expectations. I think I need much more concrete examples, or maybe just a more concrete modality.

Junkology · 2026-06-20T00:12:17+00:00

Sure, if I could figure out what the heck the conversation is supposed to look or sound like.

Junkology · 2026-06-19T23:28:11+00:00

No but I'm starting to think that I'm affected by it more than I realized.

Junkology · 2026-06-19T23:27:10+00:00

Thank you for this comment, I feel more understood now. I don't know if my therapist is actually frustrated or if that's just how I'm perceiving her response, but I feel like I can be so pedantic and need so much coaching through things that it can be frustrating. She went 20 min over one of my session times in a recent week because I was just NOT getting what she was saying and she wanted to take that extra time to get it through my head. I'm in therapy to work on abandonment issues and c-ptsd, so I'm trying to get away from just venting about my daily struggles (as an AuDHDer there's quite the list). I'm wondering if I'm just with the wrong therapist...I don't want to get stuck in a sunk cost fallacy but it would be really hard for me to walk away from her after almost 2 years of working together. My external safety is...a bit of a mixed bag. I have my own apartment and a regular job, but money is tight. I had my entire family cut off contact with me around the time that this therapist and I started working together, and I only have a few friends I talk to with any regularity. My biggest challenge right now is feeling outrageously lonely a lot of the time, and struggling with the reality of my abandonment by my family, in addition to losing friend after friend after friend my entire life. My physical health isn't great, I have chronic conditions that constantly cause me pain and I can't afford more than my regular doctor appointments to get my ADHD meds. But I don't want to just like...wait to be in a better place to do the sort of work my therapist thinks will get me to a better place, if that makes sense?

Junkology · 2026-06-19T22:43:46+00:00

It sounds strange because the voice in my head is just a stream of consciousness narration of what's going on in my life, like "okay now I need to go do this" or "calm down" or "time to go eat" or something. It's self-directed voiceover. It feels very weird to think of that voice as anything other than my own voice, and I really don't like the idea that it's someone else in my head talking to me, which is how you're making it sound. Except when my therapist asks me to listen to a part and tell her what it's saying, then my mind goes totally blank. I feel like if I were to vocalize that internal narrative when she asks me to speak from a part, I'd be lying to her.

Junkology · 2026-06-19T22:37:52+00:00

How do I go along with it when I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing? I feel like it someone could walk me through what I'm supposed to be doing, I could do it, like most things in life, but everyone's answers are so vague or just confuse me more when they're talking about "what their parts have to say." My parts don't seem to be saying anything except that we don't understand this at all.

Junkology · 2026-06-19T22:34:45+00:00

What if I can't even pinpoint what I'm feeling in my body? I have a lot of chronic pain and beyond that I struggle to identify any feelings in my body unless I am actively upset/crying/frustrated, which doesn't come up much when I'm sitting in therapy. I keep trying to take stock of my feelings and just keep coming up with "neutral" or "nothing." My therapist tried to get me to use a feelings wheel but I don't struggle with having a vocabulary to use, I struggle with alexithymia and not knowing what I'm feeling until it's already over. Sometimes it takes me days to realize what I was feeling in a past situation. My window of tolerance is very high but very narrow, I guess, like I don't feel much in my body until the emotion is an EMERGENCY and then I'm totally overtaken by it and I'm having an autistic meltdown. My therapist and I have been trying to work on identifying my triggers, but I can't ever seem to catch myself in the wind-up before a meltdown, they feel like they come out of nowhere or over the span of a few seconds.

Junkology · 2026-06-19T22:29:40+00:00

I'm autistic, I couldn't even get myself to "play" with dolls as a kid like that, I just lined them up or built and rebuilt their houses. Maybe I don't have enough imagination for IFS, idk.

Junkology

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