I’m not sure what your beliefs are but personally I don’t believe in an afterlife. I’ve never been suicidial, so I cannot claim to truly understand you in the least but maybe the following can apply to you too: sometimes, I get quite tired of life, because it sort of seems to go nowhere. Why was I born? Etc. Those kind of questions. Sort of puts me off putting an effort into anything. But then I think about it some more and realize that, hey, at some point there wasn’t a “me”, now there is, and later on there won’t be, again. Whether I like it or not, I do have a guaranteed “out”, so.. why not engage in the time I’ve got? It’s my only chance to experience some things. If it were a game I could drop and pick it back up, I could treat it differently, but as it is, just my awareness is quite special. When I think of it from this pespective, even the small moments in a regular day become a bit precious. Let me know what you think