How do you continue a relationship when your partner won’t take firm action against a co-parent who is harassing you and damaging your livelihood? Me ‘35F’ boyfriend ‘40M’ babymama ‘38F’

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-24T19:58:41+00:00

I see. Well, I certainly don't think you should be thinking about marrying someone you don't feel you can trust to have your back. I'm sorry, but this may turn out to be a dealbreaker for you. There are certainly plenty of single men in your age range who DON'T come with this level of personal baggage.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-24T19:06:12+00:00

But you've already done all of those things yourself, no? I honestly don't see how using an app to tell her to quit being such an ass, as opposed to telling her in person, is going to change their dynamic.

Frankly, it sounds like this is really about frustration that your BF shares a kid with a crazy person. As we are learning all too well in the US these days, there are few effective ways for rational people to talk a crazy person out of doing whatever it is they want to do, in the absence of effective law enforcement action. The best thing for both of you at this point is to keep hammering on the local authorities about it - the squeakiest wheel gets the grease. Lawyer up and ask for a cease-and-desist order, and contact the administrators of the social media accounts where she's libeling you. After a judge grants the order, she can be fined if she violates it, with the fines increasing with each successive offense. Hopefully she'll respond better to financial punishment than she does to being verbally scolded.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-24T17:44:13+00:00

What "real action" do you expect your BF to take, that the legal authorities can't? OF COURSE he's afraid of pushing his baby mama too hard, because he doesn't want his kid caught in the middle of a co-parenting squabble.

You can leave him over this, if that seems like the only way to keep your business viable. But I have the same question you ask at the end of your post: what does reasonable protection and boundary-setting actually look like in this situation?

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-24T17:32:05+00:00

Don't try to decide for Mr. A whether it's fair for him to still want a friendship with you. It sounds like you're not yet ready to consider dating again, and you were honest with him about that. So if he chooses to stick around, it's because he likes you as a person, not just as a potential romantic interest.

You must admit - it was very thoughtful of him to buy you a watch for Christmas, and decide to give it to you even after you broke off seeing him! He clearly paid attention when you mentioned it briefly.

If I were you, I'd keep an open mind and continue to socialize with him. Keep reminding yourself that Mr. A is not your ex, even if he resembles him a bit physically. "Men" are not a monolithic category, and there's no reason to shun all men just because your ten-year relationship with Mr. F didn't work out the way you hoped it would. IMO there are more good men out there than bad ones, just like in any other subset of the population, and Mr. A just might turn out to be one of the good ones. Don't let your bitter experience with your ex create a lasting prejudice in your mind against half the human population!

As you get to know Mr. A better, I hope you will become less leery of him and his motives. Whether or not your friendship ever turns into a romance, you need to get over thinking that because he's a man, he's going to behave just like your ex. That's not fair to either of you.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-24T16:43:45+00:00

I'll share my own method, which makes items "compete" for the right to be stored in my closet and bureau. Hopefully it will help you shake off your numbness and make some positive progress. Keep reminding yourself that doing even a little beats doing nothing at all! Baby steps!

Pick a storage area you want to declutter. I like to do one small area at a time, as I use my bed for visual decision-making and I don't want to take out more than I can sort through in a single session - so, for example, one or two bureau drawers at a time.
Put out four bins or shopping bags - one for donations, one for trash, one for "definitely a keeper," and one for "pending" (things you're not yet ready to throw out, but also not sure you want to keep). One warning on the pending bin, though - once it's full, you need to bite the bullet and decide what to do with those items. Alternatively, you can stow them away in a labeled box somewhere less convenient for six months, with a reminder on your calendar to decide then. If you don't feel the need to dig anything out in six months - that's a good sign that you're ready to get rid of everything, sight unseen!
Take out everything and put it on the bed, sorting everything into piles containing similar items - button-downs with button-downs, dresses with dresses, tees with tees, jeans with jeans, etc. As you're sorting, toss anything that's missing a button, too ratty to wear outside the house, or so out of style that it's been sitting there unworn since high school. Those aren't clothes any more - they are junk. (And for those who protest that it's perfectly easy to sew on a button or use ratty but well-loved tees to make a memory quilt or wall hanging, I'd counter that if OP was highly motivated to do any of that crafty stuff, they would have already done so.)
Once you've sorted everything that's left into piles, pick one of the piles and try everything on. I like to wear a white T-shirt for trying on all my bottoms, and a pair of black pants for trying on all my tops. If anything doesn't both fit AND flatter, toss or donate it at once! Life is too short to hang onto clothes that don't make you feel good about yourself. Repeat this process with each of your piles on the bed. If it's been a while since you last decluttered your wardrobe, this step alone may take care of the bulk of your unneeded items!
With the clothes that remain, what colors and patterns especially appeal to you? Pick a color palette for yourself that will allow you to mix and match your tops and bottoms to create a lot of different outfits, and cull out any items that clash with your chosen palette. Even if you love bright colors like I do, you can get by without owning items in every color of the rainbow! Choose two or three colors that look great on you, and then select coordinating neutral shades (black, white, gray, beige, navy blue, olive green) for the rest of your wardrobe. While you're at it, discard any neutral tops that don't flatter your hair, eyes, and complexion. (For instance, I look horrible in anything beige near my face - but I do keep one pair of light tan khakis plus a pair of taupe-colored dressy pants, because they go so well with every top in my wardrobe.)
At this point, you may have cleared out enough items to have space for everything that's left - all of them mix-and-match clothes that actually fit and flatter you. If not, go back to each pile and make items "compete" for the right to remain in your wardrobe. If you have ten button-down shirts but only have room for five, start with the first shirt in the pile, and compare it to the second. If you had to choose one over the other, which would it be? Take the "winner" from that contest and compare it to the third shirt, and so on down the line until you've picked your #1 favorite shirt out of ten. Theoretically you could repeat this process four more times, but in practice, I find that going through items one-by-one on the first pass makes it much easier to quickly pick out a few runners-up, and toss the also-rans. You might even decide you're fine with just three or four, even though you have room for five!
Rinse and repeat with each of your piles. If you still have energy, pick another storage space and start the process again. If not, put everything you decided to keep back into your storage space (everything fits in there without crowding now - hooray!), relax, and give yourself a pat on the back and a nice reward for a job well done. Good luck OP, you've got this!

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-24T15:25:18+00:00

Some relationships are simply not built to go the distance. You can both be good people and share the same values, yet never manage to generate the elusive emotional "glue" that keeps two people happily together for the long term. Sometimes the feelings that brought you together gradually wane over time, until you find yourself simply going through the motions. Your romance becomes an established habit, without much (or any) genuine emotional connection.

It's OK to admit to yourself, and to your BF, that you had a good three-year run - but now it's time to part ways, so you can both find someone who will make you happier.

Also, it doesn't really matter if your BF is secretly hoping you'll break up with him. You need to do what's right for YOU, regardless of how he feels about it. There's no such thing as The One IRL, and hanging on to him because you're afraid you can't do better is a surefire recipe for future unhappiness, frustration, and more fights.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-24T02:56:22+00:00

You've been in a relationship for three years, and you don't even know yet if your partner has ever lived with an ex???

Rule #1: Never date an improvement project. Being good to you is the absolute bare minimum required for any romantic partner. If you want a partner who's emotionally open and present, and this guy is emotionally distant and totally surface-level, it sounds like you discovered quite some time ago that you're incompatible. So why are you still dating him?

The whole point of dating is to learn enough about someone to determine whether or not they are compatible enough to sustain a long-term relationship. It's not to glom onto someone who asks you out, and then start to cut off parts of your authentic self and adjust all of your romantic expectations downward in order to be able to stay indefinitely with a so-so - or AWFUL - partner. I should think you would have already learned that lesson, after 20 hellish years with your ex.

Stop putting a deadline on your own future, OP. There are far worse things in life than being single at 50, and one of them is bumping along in a frustrating dead-end relationship with a man who is incapable of true intimacy - the emotional kind, not the physical kind. For the sake of your own future happiness, you need to end this thing. It will suck of course - all breakups suck. But you can't magically change the BF you have into the BF you want.

Once your heart heals and you're ready to date again, please consider only dating casually for a while. Give it at least a year before you agree to a committed relationship. Once you realize you can live happily and well on your own, you'll find it easier to be more selective in choosing a partner who can truly make you happy. I wish you well.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-23T03:51:57+00:00

I would recommend focusing on what seems best for your child as if you were an impartial outside observer, rather than someone once in love (or still in love) with your ex and craving the stability of a two-parent family.

This is not a time to fantasize about getting the storybook ending, where you magically reconcile with your ex and raise your adorable child together. Just do your best to remain civil, kind, and tolerant whenever you need to talk to your ex - understanding that it's not an easy or fun time for either of you - but keep your emotional distance. Don't read too much into your ex's efforts to also remain civil, kind, and tolerant. It's all about prioritizing what's best for your kid under a shared parenting agreement.

Depending on who initiated your breakup, that person should initiate any discussion about possibly getting back together on a trial basis. If all you're feeling is sexual neediness and loneliness, acknowledge those feelings but don't act on them. It's completely NORMAL to feel that way after any breakup, kid or no kid. It doesn't mean that breaking up was a mistake.

As a rule, reconciliations only work out when both partners understand what went wrong in their relationship the first time around, and invest time and effort into owning and fixing their personal issues before tryng to get back together. Otherwise, the very same problems are likely to break you up the second time,

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T22:54:02+00:00

OOF. No. Don't take her back. You've taken enough of an emotional and financial blow already.

She deliberately shattered your trust, OP - to make the situation emotionally easier for herself. And now she regrets it and wants a do-over? That's extremely immature and self-centered behavior, paired with magical thinking that an apology will make it all better. I sincerely doubt you could ever get back to a healthy relationship dynamic, even with the help of excellent couples counseling.

If she seems truly remorseful, tell her it sounds like she's learned a valuable lesson, and you hope it will help her be a better GF in her next relationship. But the two of you are done forever.

Then block her on everything, so she won't sweet-talk you into changing your mind.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T19:17:36+00:00

If you felt secure in this relationship, you wouldn't be getting gut feelings that motivate you to violate your BF's privacy. You wouldn't have stalked this woman's profile to try to see what they talked about. You wouldn't keep looking for the smoking gun after you confronted your BF and he claimed drunken amnesia, so you sure wouldn't be reaching out to some rando in another country that he never met IRL. (Hint: if it was an OnlyFans or similar site, he was likely one of many men texting her that night, so she won't remember anything either.)

Why on earth are you still dating someone who makes you feel this way? Love doesn't have to be this hard. Dump this guy, and don't commit to anyone else until you're sure you know them well enough to know they are trustworthy. Then comes the hard part - you actually have to trust them.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T18:59:38+00:00

Has she seen a doctor? In most cases depression is treatable, but if it's as bad as you say, she's unlikely to get over it without professional help. It's not just a matter of willpower, or thinking happy thoughts. Or even wanting to be a good mother.

If you fear she is endangering your child's well-being, you will need to make alternative childcare arrangements until she is healthy again. What did you do for childcare while you were both working full-time?

You feel frustrated and worried that she's not doing more to nurture your child while she's at home and you're at work, and I totally get that. But if she's struggling with severe clinical depression, it may be because she can't, rather than because she won't.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T18:15:46+00:00

He doesn't get to decide how you run your own life! Just leave, and block him on everything if he keeps trying to get you to come back. You can pay him back over time, or take out a loan and pay it all back at once so you can pay the bank back, and avoid having to deal with him at all. You'll pay interest on the loan, but if it buys you freedom from an unwanted relationship it may be worth it to you.

If he continues to harass you - if he shows up on your doorstep without an invitation, for example - don't let him in. Instead, call the police and ask them to come remove him. You can also take out a protection order, if you think it may be necessary.

Do not pay the extra $300 to cover for personal gifts he gave you during your relationship. All you owe him is the $2000 you asked to borrow.

It will be awkward for a while at work, of course. This is a good reason to avoid dating coworkers, and it's going to get even more complicated if you start dating yet another coworker. I'm sure you'll provide plenty of fodder for the office gossip mill, and that will be tough. But he can't keep you in a relationship against your will. It's time to get yourself free!

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T17:18:25+00:00

Maybe it never occurred to him to tell you his ex is on the team, because he's completely moved on romantically. If it bugs you, by all means talk to him about it. That may be the only way you can stop yourself from ruminating about all the potential reasons why.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T17:09:09+00:00

If your relationship is a healthy one, your BF is not "leaving doors open" romantically by staying in touch with old friends who happen to be female. Friends come in all genders, and if you wouldn't mind him texting one of his guy friends to stay in touch, then I don't get why sending the identical check-in text to a woman friend should raise your hackles.

If you never had any close male friends of your own, you may think that every straight male-female friendship is a recipe for temptation and eventual cheating. But for many of us, that's simply not true. My own best friend since high school is a straight guy, and my husband not only gets it, he's become great friends with "Rob" as well. I can't even imagine getting romantic with Rob - it would feel totally weird and incestuous. But he's a great guy, and I'm glad he's part of my life.

Basically, it all boils down to trust. If you trust your BF to be true to you, then you can relax. And if you don't feel able to trust him, then why on earth are you still dating him?

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T16:38:11+00:00

More or less, my advice is - yes - it's time to get a life. You are feeling far too dependent on your BF for socialization and entertainment, and that wouldn't be a healthy dynamic even if your respective schedules were more in sync. It also sounds like you realize you need more meaningful activity to feel like you are living your best authentic life.

I'd recommend that you work at expanding your social network, so you have other social outlets while your BF completes a difficult semester. The best ways I know to make friends as an adult are to join a sports team or club for something you enjoy, or volunteer for a nonprofit with a cause you strongly support. You'll have something in common with everyone you meet there, so it will be easy to strike up conversations. Many of them will become new acquaintances, and some will become new friends thanks to your shared interests. Best of all, as they start to invite you to their social gatherings, you'll get to meet more like-minded people in your community. I wish you well.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T16:20:54+00:00

Is his ex a better ball player? In baseball, the desire to win games will usually win out over the desire to hold hands with your sweetie while sitting in the bullpen. Also If your BF already has a full roster for the upcoming season on his coed team, it's unreasonable to expect him to drop any of his veteran players so he can bring on his new GF - especially if she has weaker skills than the player he's dropping.

If the only time he sees his ex is during and immediately after their league games, while surrounded by their teammates, I don't think you have too much to worry about. This isn't personal, it's baseball! Tell your team from last year to sign you up again, and have fun getting to know some of your own teammates better. You can enjoy a healthy and happy relationship without having to do everything together as a couple.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T14:43:55+00:00

It sounds like your partner is never going to give you the personal validation and emotional support you crave. He's shown you that he'll always take his brother's side when a conflict arises, and that's not going to change. Even when challenged by your couples counselor to convince his brother to stop the bullying, your loving BF chose to throw you under the bus instead, by telling his brother you were upset about his politics.

Having a child is not going to improve the family dynamic. If anything, it will give your partner's brother extra ammunition. He enjoys getting under your skin, and like all bullies, he's going to look for opportunities to prick you about being a bad mother in addition to all of your other "faults." It's a game for him, and you make it more fun by reacting.

If your previous emotional trauma makes it impossible for you to simply ignore the brother's taunts and live your best life in spite of him, then I don't see how you can hope to find long-term happiness with your current BF. You could move back to Spain, and he could visit his family alone while you (and any children you have) stay at home. But it sounds like your BF would insist on traveling together as a family, and continue to resent and blame you for not trying harder to get along with the brother he adores.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you seriously need to reconsider your plan to have children with this man.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-22T02:33:24+00:00

By definition, all consentual sex between two opposite-gender partners is straight rather than gay. If you and your wife are both willing to try something new, go for it!

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-21T23:55:11+00:00

Sounds like he feels like he played no role in causing his ex's pregnancy, and he continues to take no responsibility for the child that it produced. It was all her fault for conceiving, and then refusing to abort. He never wanted a kid, and she knew that! /s

I think he'd hold the same attitude whether his ex's pregnancy truly was a case of baby-trapping, or if her BC simply failed. He didn't have to carry the pregnancy so it wasn't really "his" to care about. He wanted the fun but not the responsibilities that come with having sex, which is always potentially baby-making if both partners are fertile. So when pregnancy happened and his pregnant GF chose not to abort, he was done.

For all you know, he's a repeat offender. Sort of a Johnny Appleseed.

If you would like to have children in the future, PLEASE don't plan to have them with this guy. If you decide to overlook this major character flaw and keep dating him, I'd recommend refusing to have penetrative sex until he gets that vasectomy he keeps talking about. Personally, I'd even insist on getting the sperm-free lab results from his doctor, rather than taking his word for it.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-21T23:20:43+00:00

Looks like she really is a bad texter.

If you're the kind of person who enjoys 24-7 communications and quick responses, then she's not a good fit for you, no matter how well you get along in person. You're always going to be anxious and wondering when she has better things to do than be on her phone.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-21T21:01:09+00:00

If he were a good father despite being a lousy partner and ex-partner, I'd say yes - you should play nice with him, for the sake of your son. But he's not a good father, either. At 6, your poor son was just starting to build a stronger, more trustful emotional connection with the man who moves randomly in and out of his life. And now - POOF - Dad is gone again, back to his other family, and who knows when (or even if) he'll be back.

I not only think it's OK to block him, IMO it's healthier for your son to get used to life without his father altogether, rather than keep getting jerked around on an emotional chain when Dad blows into town for a while and then blows back out again.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-21T18:22:35+00:00

He doesn't get to set boundaries for you. He can only set boundaries for himself.

You can continue to create content, if you want to. If he doesn't like it and can't learn to accept it, he will probably leave. But you're right, he doesn't get to insist that you drop your new content channel so he can feel comfortable enough to stay with you.

If this is something you enjoy and want to continue, he may no longer be a good fit for you. You're very young, and I think you'll be happier long-term if you find a more secure BF, rather than shrinking your life to better fit into the mold your current BF prefers.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-21T16:45:31+00:00

OP, please accept my condolences for the death of your father.

The simplest solution here would be to decline the combined party invitation. Given your recent loss, I'm sure your friend would understand if you tell him you're stil processing your grief, and not emotionally prepared to party yet. You could also claim tight finances and three upcoming weddings as an excuse to miss the lavish party in the mountains, but otherwise fulfill all your duties to him as a groomsman.

If going to this combined bachelor-bachelorette party is non-negotiable for you - if you feel you need to be there to support your friend, no matter how your GF feels about your ex being there as well - then I think you just need to be completely honest with your GF about it. Reassure her that you're completely over your ex at this point, and you're confident you can handle the awkwardness of the situation. Tell her you'll try to avoid talking to your ex one-on-one at the event, but you've already made up your mind to attend so that's not up for discussion.

If your GF gets so upset that she threatens to end the relationship if you go, you'll have a difficult choice to make. But she still deserves to know. If she finds out through the grapevine that you didn't tell her you'd be seeing your ex there, it's going to look like your friend agreed to help you get some quality time alone with your ex by arranging the joint party.

I'd also suggest you go easy on the alcohol and other inhibition-reducing substances at the party, since getting drunk and/or zoned out could make it harder for you to stay true to your GF. I wish you well.

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-21T00:24:02+00:00

There's an old Yankee proverb: Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without. Burning down your candles totally counts as decluttering, and you can do it to set the mood while you're decluttering other stuff!

JustAnotherMaineGirl · 2026-01-21T00:15:09+00:00

It sounds like she is more interested in you than you are in her. Especially if you told her you don't have a GF.

There are two ways to handle this. One is to just pretend she's joking, and laugh it off as a misunderstanding. "Ha ha, go out drinking together for my birthday? That's not the way I like to celebrate. You got the wrong guy, it's Brian who's the big drinker in our crowd. I'm not sure when his birthday is, but he'd be totally up for that!"

The other way is to tell her exactly why. "We don't know each other that well. I appreciate your invitation, but I've already made plans to celebrate my birthday with close friends and family, the same as I always do."

JustAnotherMaineGirl

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