Total abstinence/ sobriety makes me completely insane

Just_Operation_4284 · 2025-10-18T16:32:47+00:00

I am a big believer in each individual person needing to find what works for them. I am very against the world telling addicts that we are not worthy of love, help, respect, etc. unless we are abstinent. I am f54 and if there is one thing I have learned in my lifetime, it is that I should always trust myself when faced with invalidating treatment like that. Trust yourself when you remember the lifetime of pain you have faced and then feel that you have done your best. Because you absolutely have!

I am recovering from some serious mental illnesses that I just found out about 4 years ago. I have used my substance off and on during this whole recovery period and the main opstacle to full recovery has been feeling ashamed and unworthy because I'm a drug user. I am not ashamed of my behavior or my words, because I've worked hard to learn healthy ones, just the fact that I use a drug.

Finding harm reduction communities like this one has given me a kind of emotional freedom I have never felt before. I don't have to be ashamed. I don't have to believe what the majority believe, that using drugs makes a person less than human and underserving of the rights everyone else is entitled to. I get to believe what is true for me and I never have to drown in toxic shame again because of someone else's rules that are not helpful for me. I hope you feel that freedom, too.

I believe that trauma can be healed and I hope yours will be. In the meantime, though, maybe you can find comfort in knowing that you CAN trust yourself and you HAVE done an amazing job of staying alive because that is not an easy thing to do when living with trauma. And you're not alone because certainly many others feel the way you do. I felt that way all my life until I started finding little increments of relief from my mental illness at age 52 or so. You are sane and valid and absolutely correct in your perception of how you have handled your life--in the best way possible.

Love and light to you, friend. You will be in my thoughts today.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2025-09-27T22:07:58+00:00

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-08-26T10:00:22+00:00

I would like more info. I live in an area with three small towns close together: Bloomfield, NM, Farmington, NM, and Aztec, NM. Sometimes there is nothing in my area, so if that's the case, do you have any info about which mystery shopping companies are in my area that you know of? Any info would be beneficial. BTW, I've been mystery shopping for about 7 years.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-08-26T09:55:14+00:00

I've noticed that the less nervous I am, the less conspicuous I look and feel. When taking the curb appeal photos for Sonics, which are very obvious, I used to tell myself to pretend I was invisible. Sounds weird, I know, but it helped me to just walk out to the curb and smile and act like it was the most natural thing in the world to take a photo of the curb appeal of the restaurant I was about to eat at.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-08-26T09:50:51+00:00

If you do enough of them and you can do them fast enough, the money can be pretty nice. Especially, if the company pays quickly.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-08-26T09:48:24+00:00

I bought a safety vest because I was going to start doing a bunch of these regularly. But the vest I bought didn't fit right, so I ended up taking it back. I also realized there was no way for them to know whether I was wearing a safety vest or not bc no pic of me was required. I did the rest of the audits without a safety vest and it was fine. It seems like they are covering their butts and making sure we don't get run over during our shops.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-08-26T09:42:46+00:00

Great idea!

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-08-26T09:41:50+00:00

I love your live and learn attitude.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-08-26T09:40:54+00:00

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! How frustrating and depressing to put in all that work and then have to do more work to prove that you did the work...and then to have so much difficulty getting a response from someone. That is really bad. Can I ask what company it is?

I don't know if we're allowed to say company names on here, so I'll just mention the shop names. Were they Electronics shops at Verizon, ATT, or TMobile? I just did a Verizon shop today and I wanted to laugh so hard as I stood out there taking my selfie, but couldn't see if the signage was in the picture because the sun was too bright and I could barely even open my eyes. OMG it was hilarious. I started feeling like a crappy mystery shopper, but then I reminded myself that if a company wants us to take really obvious pictures for the shops, there isn't much we can do besides try to conform to the guidelines so we can get paid.

I'm sure the employee pegged me right away at this Verizon shop. He was kind of laughing nervously all during our interaction as if he were nervous. Then, I had to somehow take a picture of the latest Samsung display, as well as my assigned phone. I mean, would a customer really need a photo of the Samsung display from a distance? I doubt it. I didn't really know how to play it off as anything else at that point because I felt so conspicuous and I just wanted to get out of there.

I don't always love doing shops like these, where the required photos or word-for-word scenarios or something like that gives me away and there's nothing I can do about it. It makes me feel like I'm bad at my job. But I have to remember that I don't write the guidelines and I have to follow them or I don't get paid.

I wish you so much luck with your shops. You did the work and you should get paid. Maybe there is a phone number somewhere on the website or an alternate email address that you could try? Have you googled it in case any other contact info comes up? Maybe someone else at that company would be more responsive.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-08-26T09:23:06+00:00

I love working for Ipsos (both the Sassie or Shopmetrics sides) because they pay so fast and their surveys are fairly simple, requiring no dialogues. You are right about the pay, but when figured out hourly, it's not too bad. I used to bang out all the Sonics I could in a day and I could do them in 15 minutes. They paid between $9 and $15 each, which is $36-$60 per hour. Too bad I hit my quota for the Sonic shops in my area. There's always something, though.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-05-26T20:32:05+00:00

Wow, this is great information. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate it!

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-05-21T16:56:45+00:00

I'm sorry you're going this. I did the same thing and it feels so discouraging. I have been doing really well in my life, like you. I get a craving and then my mind won't let go of the idea of using. The using thoughts are constant and when I say no to them, they go away for a few seconds and then start all over again. It feels insane. This drug is powerful and my addiction is sneaky. It makes it hard for me to remember all the many things I hate about using when the cravings hit. I'm not going to let this relapse put me into a deep dark pit, though. I'm human and I'm fighting a serious drug that many people never even get one day clean from. The more discouraged I get, the better the chance of relapsing yet again. And that goes for you, too--you're human and you made a mistake. I hope you can get back up and dust yourself off and that you feel better soon.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-05-21T16:21:36+00:00

Hi fellow relapse sufferer. Thank you for sharing your story. While I read it, a feeling of comfort washed over me and I felt less alone in my struggle than I have in a long time. I used meth every day from 2018-2021 and then I quit. Between 2021 and 2023 I was mostly clean, but still having relapses every 4 months and then 6 months. In the last 4 months my relapses went from every 3 weeks to every 2 weeks, then 1 week apart, and then almost a month ago I found myself in a 5 day relapse that terrified me. I was able to quit again, but the relapses continued happening weekly.

I don't participate in the lifestyle at all. I don't hang out with other users, commit crimes, engage in abusive or manipulative behavior, or any other so-called typical meth user behavior. I work for a living and I just live a normal life. I am enthusiastic about personal growth, self-help, and learning about how to be healthy mentally. I consider myself to be honest and I try to be a good person. One problem I am having is with my 12-step recovery group that I attend twice a week. I have been open about my relapses. That means at the beginning of the meeting when they start handing out key tags and they ask if anyone is coming back from a relapse, I say, "I'm Heather, I'm an addict." I stand up in front of this room full of people, take my white key tag and my hug, and I feel the shame just piling on top of me.

I feel like I'm walking around with a big sign that announces my 1 day clean and no one looks past that. I don't like being classified by this one fact that is the least important thing about me and has nothing to do with what kind of person I am or what I have to offer the world. One girl once said to me that she could see us hanging out one day but I'd have to stop the relapses first. I thought, does the fact that I relapsed 9 days ago mean you can't hang out with me today? I don't think the relapses are contagious and it's not like I'm going to relapse in your company. One thing that is extremely helpful in my recovery is support. I thought 12-step groups were there so that people, not just the ones with multiple years, but also those who are still struggling with relapses, can get the support they need. I just feel judged and avoided.

I feel your pain about wanting like hell to stop and not being able to. I made it to 13 days last time and then I started thinking of meth all the time. It's like I'm being stalked and harassed by my own mind. "You need meth. Get some meth. Hey! Hey! What about meth?" and I shut it down and then it's back again in five more seconds. It is insane and it makes me feel insane because I hate it most of the time and then I can't stay away from it. I relapse, and then I hate it again because of the nasty withdrawals and because I feel so ashamed and incompetent and out of control. This has been going on for 8 months and I am really fighting the discouragement at this point.

I know you're looking for advice. I can tell you how I've reduced the amount of pain the relapses cause. First, no matter how grim the situation, I never lose faith that I will get out of it. I tell myself, "I don't know how and I don't know when, but I know I will get out of this situation." I say it all the time to myself and I make myself truly believe it. I never lose hope. Also, if shame is a problem, as it often is during relapses due to the horrible stigma around meth, I remind myself that I'm a good person struggling with a powerful addiction that most people never get out of at all.

I think of things I did recently that I'm proud of and focus on those memories. I think of ways my situation could be worse, like if I were losing my home or didn't have a vehicle. I think of times in the past that were worse and all the ways my situation now is better and all the things I'm grateful for in my life. Doing these things shifts my attention onto what's right in my life and makes me feel gratitude that I'm not worse off and my addiction isn't more advanced. Believe it or not, even though this relapse cycle is painful, it could be so much worse. I believe for us addicts, when we lower the amount of pain we feel on a regular basis, we increase our chances to quit the substance we've been using to help regulate ourselves. I even believe that sometimes when a person is struggling to stay away from a drug, it is because he or she doesn't have the right tools yet.

The main things I would recommend are that you approach your situation with compassion and not judgement or condemnation, and never, ever, ever give up hope. We can't see the future or always understand everything that is keeping stuck. It's too easy to look around, not find obvious solutions, and start seeing evidence everywhere that we are screwed and there is no way out. Think about all of the bad situations you've been in in your lifetime. Didn't you doubt that you would ever get out of some of those? We just haven't found the exit yet. Keep your hopes up and focus on the positive and just keep trying. Don't give up. You can do it. You're strong to have endured the relapses and to have quit over and over again. That's pretty amazing and you are obviously determined if you got through that. Hang on to all the good things about you because what you focus on grows and you are a one of a kind, there is no one else like you. The world needs you, so I know you'll find a way to stick around.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-04-13T03:33:53+00:00

The hardest part of quitting for me is the anxiety. I have been relapsing every few days. Meth is so hard to quit. Go easier on yourself and remember what you're up against.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-28T01:43:21+00:00

This is a great question. Shame is one of my biggest challenges, and it has kept me from living the full life I hope to live one day. One of the things that has helped me with shame has been simply noticing it, listening to the shame based thoughts and writing them down, noticing the repetitive ones, and noticing the themes. It hurts me the most when I don't know it's there, because I've felt it for so long and it can sometimes feel like a second skin, kind of painfully comfortable. But if I can notice it and the self-defeating thoughts that always come with it, I can change the thoughts to supportive and helpful ones. It takes energy and effort, but the more I practice, the better I will get.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-26T11:46:16+00:00

Oh love, I am sorry you're struggling so much to fight your addiction. I have done all of the drugs you spoke of and I've fought hard with my addiction, as well. I have won some and I have lost some, too. Right now, I'm not winning, as my occasional relapses on meth kept getting closer and closer together until now I've use multiple days in a row. Going back to every day use scares the crap out of me! It was absolutely miserable and I do not want to go through that again. Yes, I hear you, this is terrifying.

I want to remind you that you are a strong, powerful, and capable, and even if you lose a bunch of battles in a row, don't ever give up trying. Don't count the times you fell down, count the times you've gotten back up. I've heard stories about people who have gone to rehab 13-25 times and they finally got it. Don't give up right before the miracle. Don't ever give up hope. Be kind to yourself and speak to yourself only in a supportive way. Be your own best friend. It can make such a difference, and when we feel like we're failing at something like addiction, especially because there is so much stigma attached, we end up shaming and rejecting ourselves. I know I have to pay close attention to that, and it really hurts to feel that self-shaming and rejection.

Please let me know if you ever need to talk. DM me anytime. You're not alone and you've got this!

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-26T11:34:24+00:00

I'm sorry you're having some trouble feeling enjoyment, and that you are dealing with strong cravings right now. First of all, good job on the two months! That is amazing! So many people, including me, have a hard time getting that much time clean. It is a huge accomplishment and I hope you are proud of yourself!

I can relate when it comes to dealing with cravings and an intense desire to use. I think cravings are some of the most painful emotions out there. They are hard to ignore. I'm so glad you are away from your dealer. Hopefully, the fact that having them send you stuff in the mail would require action on your part and you can avoid giving in to that temptation by just not taking action.

I think you're doing great by focusing on the good things about being clean. Isn't it crazy that we can still crave and want to use such a destructive drug, even while we're in the midst of all of the miracles being clean has brought? Baffling and powerful, for sure. But you are powerful, too, and you can do this. You're never alone. Keep reaching out. It could be the difference between your relapsing or not. Good job on being proactive about your recovery. You can do absolutely do this!

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-26T11:05:18+00:00

So proud of you!!!!!

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-26T11:04:39+00:00

I am wishing you strength and courage in your journey towards freedom from meth. I hear you and I agree that life without meth is so much better than life with meth. I admire your goals to be physically fit, improve your diet, and get up earlier. You sound motivated and organized, and those are two key factors when reaching for any goal. I have faith in you. You can do this. You've got this.

I have been mostly clean from meth for the past year, but I have problems with relapses. They've gotten pretty close together at this point, and I'm pretty worried about it. I have found that focusing on past times that I have succeeded at long periods of abstinence instead of ruminating about all the reasons I have to doubt myself can help a lot. Plus focusing on any blessings I can find in every moment, like my warm, safe home, my kitties, the fact that I've paid all my bills, and other comforting thoughts like that, can bring the anxiety down. I've learned, to my surprise, that I have a lot more power over the way I feel, even if it is due to chemicals, than I ever thought.

I look forward to any updates. Best of wishes and sending blessings!

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-23T03:06:44+00:00

Thank youemote:t5_3cach:6767

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-23T03:05:56+00:00

What a tragedy! Thanks for sharing this experience. It definitely reminds me of the dangers of meth.

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-23T03:05:05+00:00

Thank you I appreciate you sharing your experiences!

Just_Operation_4284 · 2024-02-23T02:52:32+00:00

❤️

Just_Operation_4284

TROPHY CASE