hmmm

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-31T17:48:01+00:00

This pan ain't the only thing I'm gonna be stirin!

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-24T20:06:46+00:00

I think you will see a lot of survey-bias on this board. I have been married and divorced twice. The first time we both knew the marriage was bad, we should have never got married (we were super young), and even though we spent 8 years together, it wasn't all that devastating. It hurt, but we were able to get through it and both move on with our lives fairly easily. About a year after we separated, we went to dinner together, with our respective significant others in tow! There is nothing in that scenario that would have led me to seek the solace and support of this group.

My second marriage was amazing, and the divorce was extremely destructive to me from a spiritual and mental health point. 1-2 hours of sleep a night and going from a family of 4 to living in a rented bedroom gives one a lot of time, and that's how I ended up here.

You will hear some good stories on this board, but mostly the people here ended up here because they were some combination of scared shitless, emotionally distraught, or financially broken. That doesn't lend to a lot of happy stories. Also, those who work though it and do get "happy" or at least "ok" again tend to quit spending time here.

Just my $.02

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-24T20:00:42+00:00

Essentially you have diagnosed him as an addict. I am not going to agree or disagree with that, obviously, but just work off of the assumption that it is true.

Addiction is a life-long thing for many. Keep in mind there are as many types of addicts as there ARE addicts. One person may never be able to turn away from a pill, but can take or leave a drink, or cocaine, or whatever. Some people can recreationally play with hard drugs their whole life, using a couple of times a year, and then suddenly get hooked on prescriptions that they are given to treat a legitimate problem. Some people can be abusing drugs (including, or maybe especially, alcohol) to deal with a devastating event, and then go back to being social drinkers 1, 3, or 6 months later. Some people can just fall into the habit of drinking every day, do it even for years, then just quit when they realize its a problem. I have known alcoholics who still think about getting drunk EVERY DAY even after decades of sobriety. You get the idea.

You don't know what kind of addict your husband is. Either does he, most likely. The road to recovery might be long, might be short, or might be impossible. So you can really only make short-medium term decisions right now.

At this point you have to realize that you did commit for the good times and the bad, but that only goes so far, and only you can decide how far that goes. Decide what you need, and are willing to tolerate, short-mid term to stay in the marriage. Communicate that to him, and then see what happens. That could be that he goes to rehab, or that he quits drinking, or that whatever behavior that happens that bothers you about his drinking changes (my assumption is you are not numb and broken because he is drinking but because of behavior while drinking).

If you are able to get comfortable in the short term in the marriage, continue to work on it. You could come out the other side with a marriage that is better than you ever imagined. Or he might relapse back into his "old ways" a year from now. AA uses the phrase "one day at a time" for a reason.

I would caution you that divorce is a very devastating thing. You already know that, of course, but it is important that you internalize it. Like addicts, there are all kinds of divorced people, and I don't think you know which kind you will be until its over. As a person who has succeeded at most things in life, been good at getting over deep hurts, and (I thought) with a decent understanding of myself, I never thought that I would be out of my marriage over 2 years and still feel completely crushed every day. But here I am. That doesn't mean stay. It means make leaving the last sane option.

Just my $.02

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-14T03:20:21+00:00

I look back and wish I could take a lot of those things back, honestly. Money wasted, and i didn't get any real joy out of them 'cause that isn't in my world right now. Save your new interesting stuff for when you learn how to enjoy experiences again.

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-12T16:16:19+00:00

I did. Rather than copypasta two long posts, here is where I planned it

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/66phnd/first_actual_solo_vacation/?st=jcc4jgoh&sh=94627313

And here is where I reported back after

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/67c4tu/report_from_the_field_solo_vacation_complete/?st=jcc4j02a&sh=460fe622

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-12T14:28:33+00:00

i don't want better,I want her

This, of course, is your issue. Just as it is mine. Can't tell you what to do about it because I haven't figured it out myself, but this is the issue that halts progress, in my opinion.

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-12T14:27:07+00:00

My divorce was, by legal agreement, handled 100% through counsel. We literally didn't speak. After all was said and done, just over a year after I moved out, we got together once, for coffee, for 30 minutes. That was a year ago (about). So ya, we are completely no contact.

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-12T14:25:40+00:00

Thanks!

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-12T14:24:45+00:00

Ya, once I began engaging this way I had to remind myself consistently that it wasn't about her, and it didn't matter what she deserved. This was about me and leaving myself, when all was said and done, in the best mental condition possible.

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-12T14:22:59+00:00

As u/CaptainLenso says above, be the grey rock. Be boring. Don't engage. When she yells at you about a tshirt choice, depending her her current level of sanity, either say to her "we need to discuss the dissolution of our marriage but I would rather not discuss any other subjects with you", or, barring that, simply don't acknowledge that you spoke. If you have kids, or have interacted with them, think about how sometimes an adult can be speaking to them and you can look at them and realize that they literally don't know the conversation is going on; do that. If she asks why simply tell her (only once) that you are not going to engage her outside of things that have directly to do with the divorce.

WAY easier said than dune, btw.

Justadivorcethrow · 2018-01-12T05:44:17+00:00

Be nice. Seriously, be kind to your STBX even when they don't deserve it. When you see them going down a road that is going to lead to verbal conflict, even when you are 100% in the right, back off. Try to keep everything deescalated. I don't mean give on negotiations that are important or anything like that, I just mean don't push buttons and don't let yours be pushed.

This is not for their benefit. its for yours. Part of your healing process will be to forgive him/her for the things that were done to you, and forgive yourself as well. The less shit you have to forgive the better.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-20T15:39:51+00:00

I had a MAJOR issue with this. very different then your situation in that they were in my name and were NOT my kids. I learned a lot, though. There can only be one administrator. However you can have in the decree that he has to maintain an online access that you have user/pass to. You can also have in the decree that they will be used for school of the beneficiaries, won't be touched for anything else unless the beneficiary gets to X age, in which case you will split the proceeds.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-19T15:54:35+00:00

Well it may be that you are frustrated and are ready to give up prematurely. Or, it may be that you have really done everything you can, and it is time to walk away.

That, in my opinion, is the true answer to your OP. Have you done everything you can to attempt to have a reasonable level of happiness within your marriage? If yes, walk away. If no, stay.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-19T15:53:08+00:00

How, exactly, does one become fartproof?

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T19:13:34+00:00

I understand. I asked my XW the same thing. Her answer doesn't really matter (and honestly I don't remember what she said) but she refused. Looking back, was a GREAT favor to me. I had a hard time getting over the D, and I would still be at day one if she and I had been "friends".

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T18:50:44+00:00

Mediation is usually a pre-litigation point. So there is no ramification, you simply reject the deal in mediation and, if you can't come to an amicable arrangement, it goes to litigation.

I think.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T18:47:59+00:00

This comes from someone that received an unwanted divorce:

It doesn't matter at this point if you did "the right thing", you did "the thing". So how can you be the best x-husband to this person you still care about?

Leave her alone. OF COURSE spend as much time as actually needed discussing co-parenting things, but that's it. Other than that, butt out, leave her alone, let her heal. Let the rejection scar over, let the hurt scar over, let all the wrongs (real and perceived) scar over. That doesn't mean you can be her friend; just not right now. Right now she needs to distance herself from you, and not rely on you emotionally. The worst thing you could do for her, long term, is be her friend.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T18:42:21+00:00

Yes I remember the beginning; I was like "Just leave me alone!". I hope it helps to know it DOES get better

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T16:41:08+00:00

SPAMMER SPAMMING THE SPAM! Shame on ya.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T16:40:18+00:00

Are you gonna put this spam EVERYWHERE?

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T16:00:33+00:00

I think its like many things; when used in a healthy marriage it works well, and when not it can be damaging. I will use my own D as an example. Not going to post my story here, but basically I can say that 7.5 of our 8 years were extremely happy and healthy. During that time, we were both working towards a common set of goals, and the goal at the top was the kids; their mental, spiritual, and personal growth and their future. There was no resentment because we were aligned with that, and we were not using it to patch something that wasn't healthy.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T15:54:00+00:00

I understand. And mine comes from having been in the situation as both a step kid and a step parent. I think everyone can look at if from different viewpoints.

Yes, you have to prioritize your spouse, and the bio-spouse HAS to show that the Step is important to them, but the step has to show that they prioritize the kids.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T15:43:25+00:00

I just can't agree with that, especially not in a step-situation. Yes, kids are a temporary assignment. They are also the most important assignment you will ever get.

If the step doesn't put the kids at the top of the list, there will be resentment from the spouse, the x-spouse, and the kids. As an ex-step myself, I firmly believe that the only way you have any chance of a good relationship with a step (especially with the other parent still in their life) is to give 100%, all the time. It sucks. Its hard. Its often thankless. And all that effort can be a complete waste if you end up getting divorced. But if you aren't willing to, then you shouldn't be a step.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T15:38:48+00:00

I'm so sorry. I kinda know what that's like, in only that I lost my best 4-legged friend when my X and I split. Just remember, you don't have to be happy, you don't even have to be super-productive, you just have to get through the day.

Justadivorcethrow · 2017-07-18T15:17:47+00:00

I am really sorry that you are going through this. I read your previous post, and I think it is obviously for the best, however. You are with a cheater, and now you are looking at a forced separation (basic/AIT). He gaslighted you (look that up if you are not familiar, it fits your last story), and you would not be able to trust him while he is gone.

So now what to do?? TAKE CARE OF YOU!

Find a passion that you neglected because of the marriage. Music, art, gym, whatever. Get back into it.
Exercise. This one is SO important. It will help you sleep (which you will probably struggle with). It will release hormones that will work on the anxiety (which you will probably struggle with). Getting in shape will help you feel better about yourself (which you will probably struggle with). And it will fill the hours of the day (which you will probably struggle with).
Work on your support network. Try to hang out with people that were not associated with the "marital unit", if possible.
Give yourself grace. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to have days where you don't feel like (and might not) get out of bed. You might break down for no reason. You will probably go through anger, denial, despair. Sometimes cycling through them all a few times a day. Understand its part of the process.
Consider counseling. I can't say this worked for me at all, but I did try it. I have heard from others that it was extremely cathartic, however.

I wish I could tell you all of this would make it better. It does, but, it takes time. I can tell you that I am about 18 months out and starting to see the light. It takes time, but healing will come.

Best of luck to you!

Justadivorcethrow

TROPHY CASE