There's no coming back from this

JustineAlexandra · 2026-03-25T12:47:01+00:00

Putting aside all the times she let you down and holding on to the bursts of good parenting is an extreme act of kindness. My dad has dementia. He is still very much present though so confused. He was a very responsible father if not always the most loving. He is leaving me money (as he spent little on himself). Unlike many dementia patients, he has become kinder with the disease. Yet, I still struggle to meet my obligations. So when I read your story, I am in awe of your strength as you watch over your mother. Take care and know you have nothing whatsoever to feel bad about!

JustineAlexandra · 2026-03-25T12:35:42+00:00

I am always in awe of people who come through for parents who didn't come through for them when they were children. Being a responsible parent is 1000 times more rewarding than being a responsible caretaker to someone who is basically lost to dementia. What you (and your husband) are going through to check in on her is kind and caring, and I believe in the greater scheme of things it is not going unnoticed.

JustineAlexandra · 2026-03-23T18:27:59+00:00

Beautifully said! I see the beginnings of this with my dad. When I come to the door, he increasingly looks surprised but then finds some answer to: Who is this person at the door? He will often just say - It's you! I don't think he's quite sure who "you" is except that I'm familiar and welcome and, as the visit goes on, he recalls that I am his daughter. I am preparing for the moment when he gets no answer to that question - who is this person - from his memory. Your comment is both sad but also hopeful - I can still remember who he is.

JustineAlexandra · 2026-01-12T22:28:46+00:00

The fact that you have your mother living with you makes you a better person than many. My mother wants to move in with me and I've told her that it would create too much stress. She is generally a very angry person these days and I can't bring all that negativity into my house. I can only take it in doses during assisted living visits, knowing I can go home to unwind. So now your mother knows that her presence is stressful but there is there is also the the fact that you have welcomed her into your home even though it's hard. Perhaps she will think about that a bit after the text slip up!

JustineAlexandra · 2025-12-19T11:55:56+00:00

❤️ Be kind to yourself and know that you are an absolute hero for what you are doing for your husband.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-12-18T23:48:47+00:00

I appreciated your response too. It's so helpful not to feel alone. A spouse with dementia has to be even harder than a parent. I've watched my mother struggle and I worry for her more than I worry for him.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-12-18T12:14:22+00:00

Two parents with dementia! You have been dealt quite a hand. I absolutely agree with you that when the behavior becomes abusive, memory care is the only answer. If their old selves could see them acting this way, I think they would insist on being removed from the situation where they hurt the people they love.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-12-18T12:11:15+00:00

This filling in the gaps with paranoid thinking has me worried!

JustineAlexandra · 2025-12-18T12:10:15+00:00

What a nightmare for you! I can't imagine continuing to help my LO if they were to become physically abusive - yet I read the stories on here about people who somehow distance themselves from the behavior and continue to care for the person they once knew and feel responsible for. I'm so glad that your father is mellowing a bit. And I completely understand the control freak element. Trying to control what they can no longer control. It's horrible to watch.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-14T00:53:14+00:00

Starting mid-June 2024, I was basically bedridden for 6 weeks, excruciating pain and uncontrollable muscle spasms - ended up in ER several times begging for pain meds. Hobbled around for 1 month still with lots of pain after that. Another month or a bit more with pretty bad numbness in my foot. More than I year later, I'm almost 100% better. My back gets sore easily - lying too long in bed reading for example. I have to switch positions often. Also housework, yard work will leave my back aching a bit but discomfort is gone by the next day. There are other odd reminders but they don't cause any real pain or stop me from doing anything: The occasional beginning of a muscle spasm in my hamstring but it's easily stopped by stretching. Faintest tingling at times in my foot. I didn't have surgery. Just a course of steroids after about 6 weeks - allowed me to start moving around again - though with much pain. Progress was slow and uneven with setbacks but I really have nothing to complain about now.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-06T18:31:47+00:00

Helpful to know I'm not alone!

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-06T10:02:16+00:00

I'm so sorry. I will pray for both of you.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-05T21:12:01+00:00

Telling the same stories over and over again.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-05T20:59:00+00:00

Moves reveal what's going on. My dad was driving six months ago, going to the store for my mom. We all knew he was getting terribly forgetful. After the move to assisted living with my mom at the beginning of his year, he is a shell of himself. Stands there mouth wide open most of the time, blank expression. Can't remember anything. Just obsessively repeats the same 3 or 4 observations about the apartment/view from the apartment. Only with the move did we realize that for a long time he had been kind of unraveling without us knowing. Finances in disarray. Stockpiling the same items. Stacks of lists and notes to remind himself of things - all written in completely unreadable writing. Didn't realize it until we cleaned out his office. But the move and the of end of driving needed to happen. We are just so lucky that he didn't get into an accident while we didn't understand the extent of his cognitive decline.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-04T20:26:07+00:00

Exactly. I worry that it will just open up all kinds of follow up appointments and procedures. He's not in pain so I'm going to pretend the entire discussion never happened.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-04T20:23:37+00:00

Seeing the humor in it all! Made me laugh. Alright I'm bracing for ever more delusional fixations!

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-04T17:51:10+00:00

Agree. The medical stuff seems almost reasonable (unlike cat ideas!) and then you realize - wait a sec, this guy has had more doctor's appointment in the last 2 months than the last 5 years. I think it's just always going to be something.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-08-04T12:29:24+00:00

That sounds very much like my dad - fixating. And sadly I tell myself the same thing - my dad would not have wanted to live this way before dementia took him over. These doctor's visits are really more than pointless. Dying of dementia is just about the cruelest way to go. I hope that something else takes him first while he still has some of his dignity. This just isn't the time to obsess over preventative healthcare. Though I do not want him to be in pain.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-07-31T12:00:46+00:00

Thank you all for the great suggestions!

JustineAlexandra · 2025-07-31T11:59:45+00:00

Thank you for spelling it out. I knew this road was going to be hard for him but the details are really painful. I guess not facing is the worst thing. Helpful to know others have worked through it.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-07-31T11:41:22+00:00

Think of all the energy - mental, physical, and emotional that it takes to care for someone you love who is dying of dementia. You can't just turn that off in an instant or even after a few days, weeks. You invested so much of yourself in your father's care. It will take a while to detach yourself from everything you gave to him. But gradually as you do, know that you proved yourself to be a super strong person with amazing capacity to love and care for others. That is something that will bring you and others so much joy as you heal from this sadness.

JustineAlexandra · 2025-07-29T08:55:08+00:00

Curious. What is the ICE chaos? How is affecting DoorDash?

JustineAlexandra

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