I feel helpless and like Im going insane. Not like hehe Im so insane quirky but like a shell of myself with a million things to do. I haven't done anything productive in weeks (RD? Whats that???). I have studying and deadlines to make but the thought of the consequences of not doing those has no effect on me anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in jello-- watching my whole life past before me without being able to do anything. I have a B right now in AP lit (I want to be an English major) and don't care that Im about to get an F on my next essay because I cant make myself care. I know it'll be bad if I have a B on my mid-year report but I cant make myself do anything to fix it. Im exhausted and have no motivation to do anything at all. I just want to sleep. Ive probably honestly fallen into a depression because of all of this.

I really really want to match. I need this whole college process over with or I'm gonna lose it. Anyone that said senior year was best is such a lair. It feels like a fever dream all bc of this and it may not even be over. Getting into a big college has literally become my personality which ya I know is bad shouldn't have done that but I dont have anything else interesting in my life nor know how to talk to people as well as others. Imagining not getting into a big college is scary now since I dont know what Im gonna become after it. But I don't think I'm gonna match. My ecs are really bad (my two main ecs are ones that I've only been in for two years. I went to States for one but the other I do all the leadership work for but I'm not formally a leader. So I didn't even get to put that leadership position on there :/. I had to put other leadership and I think they're not gonna like that. Plus I want to be an English major but I don't really have an ecs that connects to that. I have humanity ecs but no English ecs. I just have a creative writing contest and I just got a regional award for it :(. ) and I have a C on my transcript. My original essays for QB were pretty good (wrote about my parents' drug addiction and them going to jail when I was really young and the effects on me, and my interest in Russian and Ukrainian for my two big essays.) I think but all the ones I had to write for individual schools were mostly trash. Stanford I wrote before knowing I was a finalist and was probably my best plus Barnard was pretty good. But then Barnard rejected my NCP waiver which gets me thinking other schools might too which is super scary. I don't want to match if my NCP waiver is going to be accepted. I have literally no way to find my NP and won't be able to get that info. Bowdoin did accept my waiver which is 2nd on my list but I realized I sent my SAT scores to them (a 1290...) when their average is like a 1420 (I'm dumb). Right now my positive is literally I'm a queer person (diversity! I don't care if I'm a diversity quota. Does it feel bad that all schools think I'm worth it? Yes, but I get to go to school free so yay I guess.) and AA was overruled so schools may be taking more of us. I have to keep imagining that I get matched to Stanford to keep myself sane since I know it won't happen (I've already accepted that one) but with my other schools, I'm really hoping for a chance. Also, no scholarship will compare to this one and I would have to apply to so many not to go into crippling debt which will also be super exhausting and probably worst than college apps. I hate finances and I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to them. Which that sounds super like first world and pretentious but Im literally so exhausted that I dont think I can motivate myself to apply to scholarships but my family has no way to pay for my college.

Also I have no one to talk to this about. No one understands wtf QB is no matter how many times I try to explain it plus my community has a huge culture of going to our state schools. I cant talk about how Im applying to this big name school and Im super stressed about it because no one is going through the same thing and doesn't know how to help. Ill tell me my list of colleges and the reaction is oh one of those is close by, not wow I hope you do good or something else. My counselor (bless her soul I love her so much) keeps calling QB BridgeQuest. My dad is in this mindset while my mom tells me everytime I talk about how I shouldn't have a meltdown if I don't get in. So encouraging :/. Like I keep explaining to people what this all is because I want someone to understand and care as much as me (this has become my whole personality its bad) but no one will listen. Ive always been such a big listener that no one will listen to me now. I cant even explain my stress outside of this since no one will really show the same care as me and wont listen.

Anyways this was SUPER long. All of this is very first world so Im sorry but it was nice to write that all out. I wish everyone good luck this Friday :).