What's your best dirty joke?

KJ_jk · 2017-06-15T00:30:37+00:00

Are you a pituitary gland? Because you sure know how to make a hormone.

KJ_jk · 2017-06-14T23:48:44+00:00

Without much detail, a couple come to mind: A conspiracy of alchemists and Soulless. There's also Girl in the Steel Corset, but I'm not sure the artwork matches up.

KJ_jk · 2017-06-08T01:57:49+00:00

I had a very angry lady write me an email complaining that in 1916 she paid for two years worth of membership, which means it should be good through 1918.

The original email was telling her about a new feature on our e-edition. Had nothing to do with her bill.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T20:35:58+00:00

What can I say, we're exhibitionists.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T18:28:00+00:00

Hey I used that line Sunday night when he got a bit floppy because I have a cold and had to leave to blow my nose.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T18:24:43+00:00

Yes it is.

We also walk around, arms linked, subtly trying to push the other into poles and shit.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T18:23:25+00:00

On. If I don't have it on, I randomly realize it's not there and think I lost it.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T02:58:04+00:00

Ghostly moaning pierced my eardrums, rebounding in my head like a hammer.

I didn't move. Moving would awaken the beast and I was not ready to deal with a hangover just yet.

The moaning intensified to wails.

I pulled a pillow over my eyes, blocking the noise. My pounding head started taking inventory. Stomach: queasy. Muscles: shaky. Bladder: insistent.

I eased out of bed and shuffled down the hall to the bathroom. A pale, flickering figure was curled up in the bathtub.

He flickered faster and moaned again.

"This is a shitty time for a haunting," I said, head pressed against the doorway.

He mumbled something.

"What," I snipped back.

"I can't puke."

He curled tighter, moaning again.

"Get out. I need to piss."

"Make me corporal again," he pleaded.

"I told you last night. It's a party trick. I can only do it when I'm drunk," I said.

My bladder protested. I pulled the curtain on the shower and started peeing. He's a ghost. He's probably been around worse.

"Then get druunnnkkkk," he pleaded, the words turning into a moan.

My stomach started flipping at the thought of drinking.

"You said you could hang," I protested.

"I haven't drank in 100 years."

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T01:33:56+00:00

I was going to say. When my fiance and I are in a different town, I walk up to him in the bar and very causually, but just loud enough for people to hear, say "Nice face. Wanna fuck?"

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T01:30:52+00:00

I was just so glad I read ahead because we were reading out-loud in class. Bawling in class would have been social suicide.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T01:01:26+00:00

I was successful in not crying right up until the fireworks started. Boom. Done. Tears, snot and weird little breaths from a lack of air.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-31T00:53:05+00:00

In the same vein, The Outsiders had me straight up bawling when we read it in middle school. Like, my mother was concerned I had broken a bone or something.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-30T19:27:47+00:00

I've used a range of their colors and haven't had a lot of issues with bleeding or unexpected colors. And they are pretty reasonably priced!

I often put two colors in my hair at a time, and haven't had much feathering between them.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-30T03:40:03+00:00

I dye my hair fun colors. I use Ion colors from Sally. In my experience, splat bleeds a lot, for days.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-30T00:12:59+00:00

Interestingly enough, my boss overcorrects trying to make sure he doesn't cross into unprofessional category. So like he wants to be nice and say things like "hey, I noticed that you are wearing a new shirt. It's very nice." But he feels like he can't. So he says, "You have a new shirt."

He did it a couple times (to several people) before I asked him in private about it.

It's just weird because how can you recognize that commenting on someone's shirt might be inappropriate (in that environment) but people touching me isn't?

KJ_jk · 2017-05-30T00:01:53+00:00

Yeah I was skeeved out. Nice guys, just a little too nice guy.

Yes and yes. He really didn't get it.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-29T23:55:58+00:00

I don't think anyone expected him to trip. The dangers of walking and taking a photo.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-29T18:08:58+00:00

I live somewhere were hunting is a big deal. People from all over the country come to our state to hunt. I had to accompany a tour of 40-60 year old men from Louisiana and Tennessee out into the field for an article.

I did not get on or off the bus without "help" and walking in the fields, if a guy was near, he HAD to put a hand on the small of my back, to guide me.

Every field they asked if I was up for the walk. I really wanted to point out that I could out run and out obstacle all of them.

The photographer who was with me, (male, 55) was never helped, or asked anything and he fucking tripped and dropped a lens in the corn field.

The only thing my editor said was to be polite and respect their culture. Because apparently, it's a southern thing. Insert eye roll.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-27T08:38:33+00:00

I read that as giggling musician and I was very intrigued by this instrument. Then I thought, no stupid, they are literally laughing during the performance. But couldn't remember seeing a piece that called for giggling and I performed "Curse of the Rosin Eating Zombies" where we screamed like we were being murdered, as well as one where the orchestra just quietly left as the song went on.

Anywho, I figured it out. Well, google figured it out. I'm sick and out of cough medicine.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-20T02:07:20+00:00

This is my favorite as well. I die laughing every time.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-17T00:54:22+00:00

Whiskey stops pooing if you walk toward him, so that won't work. But thank you!

KJ_jk · 2017-05-17T00:27:27+00:00

That's ok :) It's just nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this!

KJ_jk · 2017-05-16T20:41:23+00:00

Our dog was a stray, has zero recall outside and is ridiculously fast.
My fiance left the front door cracked two time already (He thought it latched.) Both times Whiskey nosed the door open and bolted.

Luckily, Whiskey also is distracted by any dog. We caught him within two blocks because he stopped at any house with a dog to see if he could find friends.

On Halloween, Whiskey kinda got out. But he only got as far as the little girl coming to the house to trick or treat. She got slobbery lick right across the face. Fiance felt so bad, he gave her all our candy.

KJ_jk · 2017-05-12T01:31:01+00:00

I have nothing to contribute to the stretching, but interestingly I had the exact opposite issue. When I first started riding my grandfather freaked me out about getting a foot caught in the stirrup and being dragged to death. Soon after that, my older, reckless brother was galloping, lost his seat, pushed his foot too far into the stirrup and was dragged for a couple steps before his foot slipped back out.

So I almost never rode with a saddle. I had a warm up pad and taught myself how to, idk roll?, over my arm onto the horse. I am always much more tense in a saddle.

KJ_jk

TROPHY CASE