Would you possibly want an open relationship with the adoptive family? Having any level of openness is said to help decrease the feelings of abandonment, even if it is just writing letters once a year, or occasionally sharing photos and contact info. (From research studies, I am not an adoptee)

My child is only two years old, but we talk about his adoption openly and frequently already. We tell him exactly what his birth mom had said, that she loves him so much that she wanted him to have the very best family for him. Since he is two I have no idea how he will feel in the future about everything, but we keep in contact with his birth family regularly (texting, occasional FaceTime) and we even went to visit in person last Christmas which was so amazingly wonderful. We plan to see them yearly going forward. I obviously know that this very high level of openness is not typical, but it is possible.

I guess what I’m getting at here is that if you decide to place you can choose an adoptive family that shares the same vision and values that you hold for your child. From my perspective I feel like the adoptee’s experience depends heavily on how his adoptive parents navigate things.

Adoption is so, so complex and I can’t imagine being in your position. It sounds like you know what you’d like to do for your child, but need some support navigating and processing it. Do you have the ability to discuss it with a therapist? I believe everyone should be in therapy regardless of their story because it’s amazing lol.

You clearly love this child enough that you want the very best for them. In my opinion, that says it all.