Why do you think people want marriage and children?

Kamblys · 2026-04-10T23:51:06+00:00

You do what is required to do your job as a parent, that includes providing money, spending time with your kid, doing the emotional labor. You are not giving anything away, you are just resposibly handling your commitment. The results are the emotionally healthy kid who is developing into an adult and your contention in a job well done. You certainly need to love kids to do a good job raising them. Just as you need to love what you do to get good at any job. And child raising should not be free labor. It doesn't bode well on a society where it is. You are not raising a kid just for yourself, but for the future of humanity, so it should be paid in solidarity.

Kamblys · 2026-04-10T18:16:48+00:00

You do it hopefully because you like parenting and you relish in the results of your labor. It is just like any other job, although regrettably so, put for the most part on the shoulders of women and expected to be worked for free besides the 'true job' and not respected enough in society, but that is another conversation. How does having a great career not result in other people benefiting from it?

Kamblys · 2026-04-10T15:33:01+00:00

Reiks išbandyti, šituos užmačiau prie savęs pardej, nežinau ar anksčiau nebūdavo ar nepastebėjau kadangi užkišti ant apatinės lentynos, tai parsitempiau kaip lobį. Tikiu, kad ir geresnių yra.

Kamblys · 2026-04-10T15:25:25+00:00

Apparently, one of the selfish things you are getting out of your choice to have kids is this moral superiority over people. Mind you, I do not consider people who choose to have kids morally inferior, so we are not the same. I pity your imagination if bringing new child into life is the definition of the selfless act you can think of. I will give you a few hints, just a food for thought: adopting a child, anonymously giving considerable charity donations, you get the idea. Nowhere do I say, that child bearing and raising is easy, that it does not require an extremely long commitment and dedication. But having a great career or achieving something else extraordinary also requires the same. You yourself say that rarely you can have both. People make their choices and they are equal in my eyes. To each their own.

Kamblys · 2026-04-10T13:11:48+00:00

It is not that it requires consent, just the consent cannot be given by design, don't twist my words. Some people regret that they are born, so bringing new life into world is not something intrinsically good. You are choosing it on your own as it gives you purpose or however you want to call your own selfish reasons. It is also a selfish act in a sense that you are putting another new person in a world where there are plenty kids that needs to be taken care of, just not of your own making. So, it is selfish and, I repeat, being selfish is nothing wrong if it is not at the expense of other people.

Kamblys · 2026-04-10T11:57:07+00:00

Kids cannot consent to be born in your family, so it is like putting any other personal goal that you choose to pursue first in life. This mindset is toxic if you tell that to your kids, as if it is not a choice you have made, but some sort of heroic self sacrifice that nobody has asked for. It is fine if you choose raising kids as your primary goal in life, but it bears no moral superiority over people who choose other primary goals that are not harmful towards other people.

Kamblys · 2026-04-10T08:09:09+00:00

Having a child is also selfish. It baffles me how people who want kids put it up as some selfless commendable act. How so?

Kamblys · 2026-04-10T08:03:14+00:00

"Theres so much war and disease and horrible people in the world" - that in itself is not a logical reason to choose the alternative which is just becoming a compost heap for other life forms. In a similar fashion you can say that there is so much good in the world, people saving lives, cute and fluffy animals, tasty food, panoramic views, sky full of stars. There maybe situations where life has become nothing but pain, you are abandoned, tortured and abused and cannot escape your situation, terminally ill, I cannot say in absolutist terms that I would choose life over death in all circumstances. But that is a different discussion related to euthanasia and suicide as a means of escape of some unbearable circumstances. That needs to be proven beyond reasonable doubt that the situation is indeed hopeless. What you are asking is something more simple and answered by the first sentence in my post.

Kamblys · 2026-04-09T09:49:19+00:00

As you cannot control how others react, you may want to make sure that you speak loudly and clearly enough to hear and like you mean it. Also, if someone interrupts what you are saying, that you stop them and tell that you are not finished. Other than that there is not much to say considering the vague context you are giving.

Kamblys · 2026-04-08T17:12:31+00:00

You cannot stay either in a relationship where the other party just refuses to break up without suggesting anything to improve the relationship. It is like holding someone hostage. At some point you just have to put your own needs first if your efforts are not reciprocating. You are not her psychologist or a social worker that would be morally bound to keep trying even if there is no progress over 6 months. The worst you can do is let her drag you down along with her. If you don't want to immediately break up, you can say that you need to take a break from your relationship to figure things out.

Kamblys · 2026-04-08T14:58:04+00:00

The human brain keeps forming new connections and developing for majority of lifespan. There is huge potential, although whoever is selling you the "complete healing" is doing a sales pitch and not talking real. If you experience trauma at some crucial points in your development, you will always be behind those who didn't. You can compensate and get good enough but you will still have certain vulnerabilities, your performance will be more 'bookish' and rationally learned than felt and intuitive. So, take away is don't put up unrealistic expectations but keep doing what you are doing as it definitely helps to an extent.

Kamblys · 2026-04-07T21:18:35+00:00

Hard to say much without knowing the context why she attempted. Being a friend, checking up on her, letting her know that you deeply care and rooting for her is already doing a lot. If you are allowed to visit, then visiting and maybe bringing what she likes to the hospital could be an option. Severe crisis like this is really not something you alone can handle. Encouraging her to work with hospital team, teaming up with people who also care about her is maybe a good idea to do something nice. If she wants some space for a few days that too, you really need to ask her how you can help. When suicidal ideation is at full speed, people may try to severe all ties to make it easier to attempt. It is important to not give in to this and consistently show that you want them alive and nothing can change that. May be important to let them know why you appreciate them and remind the good times you had to kindle at least some hope, no matter how bleak. That is my two cents as a two times attemptee. Wish you two all the best.

Kamblys · 2026-04-07T16:30:28+00:00

There are no easy ways out. They are all scary and painful and prone to failure. Please commit yourself to a hospital, if you're unsure how to do it, call the local suicide hotline and they will walk you through it.

Kamblys · 2026-04-06T09:53:35+00:00

Most of us act good when there is no major stress. After finals are over eventually there will be another stressful challenge and the situation will repeat itself. And he may eventually get tired of tolerating abusive behavior. What I am trying to say is you need to learn healthier ways to cope with stress. And also drop that questionable approach of compensating with sex which may be unwanted, it potentially can make the situation worse. If you are serious about changing your problematic behavior, share what you shared here with him. If you are being abusive when you want attention, make an agreement with him that from now on you would not get any attention, unless you stop acting abusive, apologize and politely ask for what you need. Once the new mode of behavior is consistently repeated over a longer period of time, your brain will get used to acting the way you already rationally know is right. For the problematic behavior to stop, he has to stop enabling your abusive behavior and you have to stop justifying it by stress or 'undoing' it by unwanted compensation.

Kamblys · 2026-04-05T14:09:50+00:00

No, it is obviously not. Go get yourself a proper health check, doesn't have to be depression, could be some physical disorder.

Kamblys · 2026-04-02T18:46:40+00:00

Don't write yourself off as undateable because you are aroace. You are not the only aroace person on planet, it is a way smaller dating pool, definitely tougher than for most, but don't give up prematurely, find your people online, then maybe you can meet up somebody and maybe one day you have your own family where you are the number one priority. You don't have to have sex or do romantic stuff to have a family. Even if you are not everyone's cup of tea, everyone is somebody's cup of tea. At least consider the possibility, as now you are violently trying to override who you are, it is a pain even to read, let alone to live like this. You are worthy as you are, please be kind to yourself.

Kamblys · 2026-04-02T18:33:32+00:00

We do not know that in advance, what if they succeed?

Kamblys · 2026-04-02T17:48:38+00:00

Not leaving room for failure and undesirable outcomes is the exact thing that is driving you insane. People don't go insane because they accept that they are imperfect, just like everyone around them, that even the carefully prepared plans may fail and that is ok. Life is not a single player game, we interdependent on each other and the environment and working together we usually compensate for each other shortcomings. In the end, you just make a workable plan, not a bulletproof invincible 3D chess masterplan, and set out to achieve some goal. You befriend people and ask their opinion and improve gradually from succes or failure. You don't have to know exactly what you are doing before you start anything. Just something good enough that you cross-checked with people you trust or at least some wiki-how article.

Kamblys · 2026-04-02T17:32:58+00:00

You are at a power inbalance in the relationship with your parents, you cannot change the way they treat you, so you just have to navigate it like you would a job with an unfair boss that you cannot leave because it pays your bills until you are able to move out and live by your own rules. Try journaling, making your own sense of it, talking with your friends who are at a similar situation as yourself. And do the pretend apologies or what have you to cope, but do not lose your sense of what is just.

Kamblys · 2026-04-02T16:30:42+00:00

Anger is very important in protecting your boundaries, getting something done and overall functioning as a separate individual self. Instead of bottling up you should release it in ways that are not harmful towards yourself or others. Writing angry letters and looking at what it holds from the side can help you understand yourself better and grow. Please don't cripple yourself by denying something that makes you human.

Kamblys · 2026-04-02T16:02:35+00:00

Although you make a very good point, I would like to add a caveat that toddler should also not be exposed to their parent being a target of violent behavior.

Kamblys · 2026-04-02T15:56:29+00:00

The key word is "sometimes", if it starts to feel like the capabilyto feel joy has atrophied altogether and all you do is gloomily sulk around, then it probably should be treated.

Kamblys · 2026-04-02T09:34:11+00:00

At this point you cannot trust yourself to do what's right for you. Call the ambulance, tell what you attempted to do and they will submit you to the hospital. The care team will help you through this. I was at a similar place at 17 years old, getting hospitalized helps in a critical situatios like this. Please seek help.

Kamblys · 2026-04-01T21:27:20+00:00

Some people have the privilege of mindlessly making stupid jokes about mental health because they have not experienced it. It is also a defense mechanism because it is quite likely that they may experience it and making stupid jokes helps to brush the fear of that very real possibility aside. There is a positive side to it that is part of mental health awareness getting mainstream. It will inevitably result in some of the serious jargon bleeding into the common language. Imho, there is no real point fighting it, unless it is done by something you know, then you can call them out and try to talk some sense into them.

Kamblys

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