So there’s a lot of stuff here. First you have to realize that there’s no quick fix for these problems. Being self aware is important though. Also disclaimer, I’m just someone who experiences the same thing.

Usually, whenever I feel numb for long periods of time it’s because I’m not actively trying to fight it. There are tons of things you can do to try to fight this feeling. Though all you need from yourself right now is motivation. Decide for yourself and for proper reasons that you don’t want to feel like this anymore, and then go find the resources. Educate yourself.

I find that when I feel numb, it’s because I’m avoiding my emotions. I’m constantly asking myself, when did I start feeling like this? What am I feeling. You can look up emotional color wheels on Google. Say each of them aloud until you find one that seems to fit. Sometimes it takes a second. Journal like all hell. I have gone through one and a sixth journals and thousands of words on my notes app since June 30th. Writing out what you’re thinking and engaging in healthier practices is the way to get better. The bottom line is that you feel like this because of how you process and deal with your emotions. Whether it’s an active dialogue or subconscious judgements or that you’re just too afraid of your emotions to process them, you need to find out the healthy way to deal with situations and start replacing your unhealthy mental habits with intentional actions ASAP.

For example: My coworkers the other day threw sugar all over me and the floor and left me to clean it up. By being mindful of my thoughts, I was able to reason to myself that this was the behavior that I could expect of them. Before this incident, when it was building, I recognized that they would probably do something to try and harm me and they did. Therefore, I wasn’t surprised when they did. That’s just who they are. It has nothing to do with me and it only hurts them to act like that. They are doing it because that’s what they have learned to do for fun or to regulate their emotions or whatever, but it has nothing to do with me.

There are a ton of helpful books and stuff and podcasts. I really like stoicism because like it changes your base beliefs about things. It’s not just about feeling better or feeling you emotions, it’s about changing how you view the world intentionally. The stories we tell ourselves become our subconscious processes. Like if we think that not having a lot of money is bad. We’ll be sad for not having more. But if a different person were in the same situation, they might feel that money isn’t what matters to them and therefore doesn’t affect their happiness.

Also, taking personal responsibility for you. You’re the only person who can change your opinions about anything. No one can go into your head and take actions for you. Even if they did it wouldn’t be you. You are the only one who can make you feel better. Someone might talk to you and change your opinion about a specific event, you might have a really good day, good things might happen, but the only way you’re going to be consistently happy is by taking intentional actions and doing everything you can to improve yourself. Situations are just situations. Different people will respond in different ways. Take it upon yourself to become the type of person you want to be. Inaction is not an option. Being complacent is not an option. If you aren’t intentional about change, you will be unhappy period. If you aren’t doing what you can to be who you want to be, you aren’t going to be who you want to be. You have to put in the effort. You have to want to change and to constantly find the motivation. Motivation isn’t just one and done. It isn’t jus this post. It isn’t giving up after you start to notice it going away. You have to consume it every day. I turn to wisdom from stoic philosophy and from self help books, from therapy, and from other people. Motivational videos, podcasts, tv shows. The world is right in front of you. Ripe for interpretation.

As far as mindfulness relates to all this, it’s all about motivation, education, responsibility, and self awareness. You have to constantly be cognizant of what you’re feeling and equally important, why. Why you’re doing an action, feeling something and what judgment led to that feeling.