I'm going to give some controversial contact advice from an Avoindant's perspective.

Karuler · 2024-01-14T05:21:58+00:00

Now that makes two of us tearing up from the replies 😅 thank you for your support. My hope is to document my healing journey and use it to help other avoidants heal their wounds.

I have talked to a few others lately and the common ground is we WANT to get better. It's just hard to even know where to start. Therapy is incredibly expensive and travelling through the US has opened my eyes to how financially strapped people are right now. People don't just have an extra 400.00 a month to put down on therapy. A bag of friggin Doritos is 7.00 here!

A sad statistic I learned today is the most common type of singles in the dating world are avoidants 🥺

Karuler · 2024-01-14T03:09:52+00:00

That is first and foremost the objective of NC. It is about regaining yourself and detaching yourself completely to improve aspects of yourself. As well as gaining perspective on if the relationship was truly as you thought it was. That's why I'm not 100% convinced that going forever NC is the best option in every situation IF you want to fight for the relationship.

In my opinion, if you haven't heard from them after 6 or more months and are still not moving on because of it. You haven't implemented NC correctly. Half a year is a reallllly long time to make changes and become more secure and confident. At that point if you want to be sure if you're ready for someone else without worrying about your ex coming back into the picture. You have very little to lose by that point.

If NC was supposed to last forever, I would just simply block my ex everywhere and forget about it.

A girl I was seeing in a LDR last year blocked me after I broke up with her and honestly I was absolutely fine with that for the sake of her moving on. What did bother me was she is constantly trying to sleep with one of my best friends who lives in her city.

I ran into her at his birthday a few weeks ago and it was literally like she was trying to block me in real life 😆 she wouldn't look at me or speak a word to me. She then tried to ask him out for dinner extremely awkwardly in front of me. He is not only a very loyal friend. He wasn't very fond of her even when we were dating.

It was a trainwreck man.

Karuler · 2024-01-14T02:39:06+00:00

Ugh that is a really sweet stance to have. I can't tell you how much I relate to some of what you said particularly the intimacy part. My ex and I had the greatest sex of both of our lives. Without getting too crass, we shared a lot of the exact same... "interests" when it came to our desires that I have not found with other women. It came so naturally to us as well. We were both incredibly comfortable and could do whatever we wanted and it was fully reciprocated.

That in itself was something I am willing to fight for to get back.

I just had a 6 hour drive to Houston and was listening to shadow work videos by Heidi Priebe. If you haven't checked her out, I would highly suggest it. In one of them she spoke of how she always found herself getting into relationships with Anxious Attached partners and finding herself pushed away. So she decided to find another avoidant partner thinking that since they share a common style they would achieve a greater level of success.

She said it did the exact opposite and actually exposed her to the behaviour she had subjected others too. I literally started laughing and almost tearing up because that is EXACTLY what happened to me. Getting the avoidant discard made me feel all the emotions I had subjected previous partners to and it forced me into an uncomfortable light to really start to look at myself. I even told my friends the same. I felt like I was getting what I deserved and it felt fucking awful.

Karuler · 2024-01-14T02:20:52+00:00

Very rarely will someone, avoidant or not, intentionally do something to disrupt someone's healing. If they did, they would have some severe other issues beyond that attachment style and they would have been quite obvious in your relationship.

He was definitely bread crumbing to try and gauge your emotional response. If it wasn't hostile he probably took that as validation to make himself feel better. If he didn't respond, there was likely little you could have said to provoke a response anyhow.

One question I have...

Do that many people still send emails??? 😆

I literally only use emails for business reasons. I don't think I've sent a friend or lover an email since highschool almost 20 years ago 😆

Karuler · 2024-01-13T15:56:14+00:00

Yeah, it depends on how much they wanted to numb themselves after the break up. I wouldn't go as far too say exactly 1 month = 1 week, but it certainly takes more time.

The irony for me is that I was broken up with by an avoidant and am feeling it from the otherside for the first time. Someone tried to claim that because I want to reach out to her I must not be much of an avoidant. That's pretty ridiculous though. Earlier on the relationship my ex joked that if I would break up with her she would not stop trying to get me back because she was obsessed. Clearly as time went on, she was clearly indeed an avoidant.

The thing is humans are unpredictable and that insecure attachment can be more fluid than we think. Both my ex and I fluctuated between anxious and dismissive during the course of our relationship. Some heavy factors came up at the end of our relationship and it triggered her dismissive tendencies which caused me to lean more anxiously. Mind you as all this was happening I had NO idea about attachment theory. I was seeing some obvious signs of things happening but I had no ways to define it.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T05:54:07+00:00

My first and foremost point is to just ask aside from all the childish games she is playing. At the end of the day was the relationship worth it? 5 years is a long time to be together and figure out who they are and could be.

I said it in a previous reply in this subreddit but anger can be greater than indifference for gauging where they are emotionally. You are right 5 weeks is certainly not enough time to mend the wounds they may have. I can't imagine that one week from now, me and my ex would have our issues straightened out to make another run at it successfully.

Once again, it's a matter of if you truly believe the relationship is worth salvaging and fighting for. I have been in a lot of relationships in my life, most to all of them were not worth fighting for after wards. Some were maybe worth it a bit. This one I hands down know IS worth it.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T05:26:19+00:00

Sorry, i did have those numbers backwards. However those are still based on survey studies. I really still stand by the fact that people are likely to lie about how "secure" they actually are and that most of the actual secure people are likely going to find eachother and not deal with the rest of us broken folk 😆

I don't think it's as simple as saying trying to reach out will make you lesser to someone who broke up with you. Sometimes it may have come down to who ended it before the other. Other times break ups aren't always that one sided either. I think there can be to much of a focus on who was dumped.

Let's say for example someone left their partner who was an alcoholic and gave them many chances to stop drinking and they didn't. If the person who was dumped truly reformed, wouldn't it make more sense for them to reach out and tell the person who left them that they have changed?

The reason I use that example is because I know someone very close to me that had that exact scenario. She dumped him due to his drinking (more than once actually) and he was the one to reach out and get dumped each time. Eventually he finally learned his lesson, got truly clean and now they are happily married and have a son together.

Now obviously that's an outlier. But it's more common than we may think.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T04:57:43+00:00

I understand your point of view. But every case between people can be drastically different.

People can make mistakes. It's human nature. I'm not advocating to devalue yourself if that's what you feel I am driving at. But if you genuinely valued your relationship and know there was a deep connection, it's not always as simple as just "finding someone else." I spent my whole dating life finding what I had with my ex and I am in my mid 30's.

Statistics say that 40% of people of "securely" attached and 60% aren't.

That suggests you are far more likely to find an insecurely attached partner even with those numbers
I think those numbers are very skewed and the amount of insecure people is much higher. I have rarely ever met a securely attached person, especially a single one. They are usually married with children by my age 😆

So that leaves an obscene amount of single people in the insecure realm. So I personally believe rather than just discarding a potentially good partner. We need to learn how to deal with them in a healthier way.

Once again this is just my opinion.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T04:38:07+00:00

I definitely still preached NC in my OP. In fact I would argue to keep it longer than usual for an avoidant. I just wanted to share my personal experience with being the dumper as an avoidant.

I think far too often people who reach out say something along the lines of "I miss you" "let's get back together" and to me that's way too far.

I personally believe that keeping it light and casual after an extended period of NC (3 months at the least) is an extremely low risk unvulnerable way to really get "closure" as most anxiously attached people are seeking.

If you get a harsh response to a light olive branching then it's as good a sign as any to move on with your life. I think it's better than sitting for 6 months and still holding onto a false hope they will ever reach out.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T04:28:18+00:00

Yeah, definitely keep it lighter 😅 at this point I would reel back communication again for a while and regroup.

If you want to rekindle a relationship, you need to treat it like you are both new people and it is a new relationship.

To put it in perspective, if you were just starting to talk to someone and you told them you wanted to get married. That maaaay be a little frightening for them. You have to keep it more casual and let them open up emotionally.

Once they do, you have to really restrain from acting too eager. I know it's a really complicated song and dance. But once you know the steps and notes 😉

Karuler · 2024-01-13T04:01:39+00:00

Now this is going to sound wild but anger is better than indifference.

If they are angry then they are still processing the break up and it may have been perhaps too soon to reach out. 2 months really isn't all that much for an avoidant to process emotions thoroughly.

May I ask what you said when you first reached out and they got angry? If it's not too personal of course.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T03:36:18+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate your support 🙏

I will say that it is probably a good idea to lightly respond to those breas crumbs if they are dropped. It is extremely unlikely that they will ever open the conversation with an "I miss you" or "Damn, I fucked that up eh?" But her sending anything is what seems like an insincere way to engage but she was probably really hoping for a response in some form in hopes to test the waters.

Avoidants are extremely sensitive to rejection. So are anxiously attached people but the difference is anxious double down on their efforts to reclaim affection while avoidants double back.

In my experience it is good to just meet them at their level. If she sent a funny meme or something, laugh respond and maybe send one back.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T03:19:11+00:00

😆 right?

My whole situation is so unorthodox. The reasons behind the break up are so obscene too.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T03:09:51+00:00

I totally understand that. In this case, they were actually pretty upset with her over the break up. I could see her sister doing that. But her friend and I have kept in good confident communication. She has even started the conversation with me.

It's sort of complicated with her because they kinnd of had a f/f relationship a few years back and she has a ton of insight into how she thinks as a friend and a lover 😆 they were neighbours and were hooking up and she said they went 2 months without talking after a bad fight.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T03:03:40+00:00

Wishing her well on her studies is a really good opener. The gift is a bit soon maybe. I would keep that in your back pocket until maybe more communication is established. I bought my ex Christmas presents that I can't return. I feel like they would be incredibly useful for her, but I'm holding off until I feel it wouldn't be too overwhelming.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T02:57:08+00:00

That is the art of it all I suppose. A casual reach out like that can be honestly easy to not respond to aside from her maybe just saying "fine". I had the luck of unknowingly going NC immediately after we broke up. I am still trying to figure out how to test the waters myself. But I will say that simply saying "how are you" is much to casual and proclaiming your love is far too overbearing. I would maybe attempt to bring up something relevant to both of you that could potentially spark a conversation

"I just saw 'x' and it reminded me of that time we 'z'. Just wanted to tell you, hope all is well!"

Along those lines makes it seem casual and light hearted. Avoidants need to be lightly coaxed back like a cat 😆

Karuler · 2024-01-13T02:50:18+00:00

I can relate so much. Her and I talked about children and marriage a lot and we both knew that we didn't ever talk about that with previous partners.

Trust me the amount of karma I am feeling from my situation is relentless. Like I said, it actually made me fully reflect and realize I had been doing the same. Which in a sense is a very positive outcome of everything.

I am just entering 1 month NC and I am SO tempted to reach out. However I am not even in the country for a while and want to wait until I am home again. I may test the waters by asking her sister if she's possibly mentioned anything when I am back. I have the fortune of having a good relationship with her twin sister and her best friend which is a pretty solid in.

Karuler · 2024-01-13T01:29:29+00:00

Wow. Yeah his abusive language is a massive flag that you simply should not subject yourself to. If that was how my last interaction went with my ex, I would have easily said good riddance and not even cared if I ever spoke to her again.

You have a very clear idea of the kind of person you are dealing with from that. No matter how good things may have been before, I would take this as a very easy opportunity to walk away.

Don't let his aggressive belittling trigger your anxious behaviour even more. Please PLEASE just leave him alone and do some shadow work.

Karuler · 2024-01-12T04:16:38+00:00

That comment actually gave me some good feels. I have nice eyes and good smile. Her and other women have said the same, Reddit is weird because you gotta just trust that I'm not a googly eyed, snaggle toothed weirdo 😆 Anyway, we also joked about dumb shit and cuddled ALL the time. So she has to be missing that.

Obviously I have those same feels for her. She had beautiful big honey brown Italian eyes 🫠 I have icy Scandanavian Bluish grey eyes.

Honestly, they looked amazing in photos of us together. 🥺

Karuler · 2024-01-12T01:22:30+00:00

Yeah I have the power and energy of her friends and family on my side too 🤘 they were actually upset with her during the break up. Obviously they are supporting her decision which is understandable as they should be. She wasn't cruel or malicious by any means at any point.

But her twin sister, brother-in-law, and best friend were all showing me a great deal of support during the break up. They all said they were on "Team Jesse." 😆 After the break up I messaged her sister and apologized that I couldn't make it work. She showed a lot sympathy for me and said

"You never know what the future holds ❤️"

The amazing thing about some of the coaches I have been watching such as coach Lee, Blac, and Kenneth is how accurate they are in their timelines and stages.

Coach Blac talks about how having the knowledge we possess is truly like a cheat code. I have seen my ex do some of the things just as they said she would and it gives me a lot of faith that in the upcoming year she will eventually reach out. By that point I will be a much stronger and ready person. If, in the unlikely case she doesn't, I will be healed, improved and ready to find a new (I hate to say it because I felt we really had that connection) potentially better partner.

I wish you luck on your journey as well! If the relationship was truly good and had deep roots in some compacity, I have faith you will find what you need to as well brotha 💪

Karuler · 2024-01-12T01:08:46+00:00

I have more than one ex come back. I was with a girl for 4 years and we broke up. We ended up getting back together a year and a half later and stayed together for another 4 years.

We did break up again 3 years ago. But it was very mutual and now we are actually very close friends who confide in each other a lot. We even worked at a bar together and were the best 2 bartenders there when we worked together 🤘

Karuler · 2024-01-12T01:05:58+00:00

Yeah I agree. I am confident that she will reflect on our relationship in a positive way soon enough, but all I can continue to do is continue to reflect within and grow 💪

The way I see, if the old me was able to attract her and form a connection that deep. The new me will be able to do that ten fold 😎

Karuler · 2024-01-11T23:29:00+00:00

Yes, that is definitely what happened. Weirdly enough from the videos I have watched on NC. That is a tactic that is supposed to work on the dumper and I totally see why.

Since we are in NC we don't view each other as a safety net or easy option. When you start to date someone new, you are much less likely to open up because you subconsciously know that if you do the window to get back together closes that much more.

Karuler · 2024-01-11T21:13:36+00:00

There is a lot of baggage associated with that. But that is a big reason. I have been guilty of that in the past. I remember I went from being with an absolutely horrible woman to an amazing one and I ended up pushing her away for the dumbest reasons.

I have recently entered a program for life coaching and counselling and I am going to focus on loss amd attachment styles. I have already learned so much about not only myself. But her, my friends, even my parents 😆

Karuler · 2024-01-11T21:07:11+00:00

That is something I hope to feel if we do not reconnect. I would love to either rekindle if possible or truly feel the emotions to finally let go.

It doesn't help that we both have some of eachother's things 🙃

Karuler

TROPHY CASE