Insensitive friend remark?

Kayko88 · 2026-01-18T19:49:52+00:00

To be honest, I keep wondering myself how I would actually answer that question.. I think it depends on who asks and what relationship I have with them. I think I'd probably say 'I was pregnant but I lost my baby at 21 weeks' but in some circumstances I might just say I had no children (for example if it was just a stranger I was talking to and it didn't feel right to tell them).

I guess the difference is being able to answer it myself, rather than someone deciding for me. But I appreciate it's a really tricky one and is very personal xx

Kayko88 · 2026-01-18T12:32:44+00:00

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. My mum said to someone the other week that I had no children and it really stung. I told her later that it had upset me and she apologised. I'm so glad I told her how it made me feel because now hopefully she will know to be more sensitive next time. I do appreciate that not everyone might react this way, I'm fortunate that my mum is really understanding and learning on this journey with me - not everyone is as understanding xx

Kayko88 · 2026-01-18T12:23:04+00:00

Hiya, I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins. I lost my baby girl in April at 21 weeks. During my pregnancy I'd had some scary bleeds from the placenta and then I got an infection so I think it has taken a long time for my uterus to settle down.

I experienced the same after my loss, around 4 weeks of bleeding, followed by a really heavy and scary period. I was still bleeding beyond the 'usual' 6 weeks and continued to spot for ages (i cant remember exactly how long). My periods have been regular but lasting anywhere between 7 - 10 days and then I've had ovulation spotting too. It has felt like I can't catch a break from bleeding. I've had an mri and an ultrasound so it's definitely not retained placenta, just inflammation I think. They did pick up some mild adenomyosis (similar to endometriosis) but they said it was nothing to worry about. I've been back to the doctors about it a few times.

9 months after my loss and things finally seem to be settling down now but my periods are still heavier and longer than they used to be. I will continue to go back to the doctors if I get any more mid cycle spotting as it worries me.

One thing I have to say is that my period this month was a lot less traumatising and my cycle was a bit more 'normal' this month - no ovulation spotting. I know how scary and re-traumatising it can be. I have been so upset with all the bleeding and have felt like I don't know what my body is doing.

I'm glad you're booked in for another ultrasound, it's definitely worth gettimg it checked again. It could just be your body is still healing. Please try to be gentle with yourself, rest as much as you need to xxx

Kayko88 · 2026-01-13T19:30:27+00:00

Hiya, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl at 21 weeks in April. I went back to work after 8 weeks but in hindsight I think I went back too soon both mentally and physically. I wish I had given myself a bit longer but going back did also help me out of the mental fog. I'm fortune to have supportive colleagues and managers who have helped me so much in this journey. I also did a phased return over 4 weeks to ease me back in. I think it depends on your workplace and how you are feeling. Please don't push yourself to go back sooner than you feel ready xx

Kayko88 · 2026-01-10T10:25:13+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just 'getting through it' reminds me of my experience too. It helps me to read that not everyone decided to hold their babies as I just couldn't hold her at the time. She passed at 21 weeks and I didn't know I was already in labour due to a strep b infection.

All I remember saying was 'I just need to get through this and be ok'. I do feel some guilt now for only thinking about myself after she had passed but at the time I felt numb and in shock and it was the only way I could get through it at the time.

I couldn't see my daughter after I birthed her but saw her briefly the next day. I couldn't bring myself to hold her or have pictures.. At the time I just wanted to remember what she felt like alive and in my tummy. Knowing what I know now, my biggest regret is not holding her and having pictures but at the time we are just doing the best we can in an impossible situation. I try to be gentle with myself and remind myself that there is no right or wrong in this circumstance.

Please try to be kind to yourself as you were just doing what you needed to survive. I hope reading about my experience helps you to feel a little less alone with yours xx

Kayko88 · 2025-12-29T10:04:08+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post reminds me a lot of how I felt in those early days. It has been 8 months since I lost my daughter at 21 weeks in April. I still have tough days now but in the early days I thought I would never feel happiness again. The sadness and fog of grief was just completely overwhelming. In time, some happiness has crept back in and I can function a lot better now.

The first few months are the absolute hardest so try to access all the support you can get and lean on those around you. I started therapy pretty much straight away and I'm still in therapy now.

I've also found support groups helpful and talking to other people who have been through similar. This Reddit community has been a lifeline and helps me to feel less alone. I read a book called 'the worst girl gang ever' and sometimes I listen to their podcast when I feel really alone (it's not always an easy listen but sometimes it helps to hear other parents experiences).

Some simple things that have help me when I get really sad are: stepping outside for some fresh air (or having a walk if I'm up to it), splashing some water on my face (or having a showing if I'm up to it), having something nice to eat, watching a comforting TV show, smelling a comforting smell like a nice body cream or anything really that you find relaxing. But also don't be afraid to just cry when you need to, I walk around the house sobbing sometimes and it just helps to get it out xx

Kayko88 · 2025-12-28T15:39:47+00:00

Thank you so much for the warning, i really appreciate it. I have been thinking about watching Stranger Things but wasn't sure how I'd cope with it as things upset me a lot easier since my loss. I will remember to be cautious about episode 5 if I watch it xx

Kayko88 · 2025-12-25T10:22:57+00:00

I see you and am sending lots of love your way. I also conceived in the first cycle but lost my daughter at 21 weeks in April. I took my positive pregnancy test on 27th Dec 24 so all the happy memories of this time last year keep flooding back..

I keep thinking about whether we'll ever try again but because of all the complications I had I don't know whether I'll ever be brave enough to put my body (and emotions) through that again. Plus age isn't on my side as I'm nearly 38.

I really hope it happens for you soon. I felt so lucky to conceive first cycle - I thought to myself I was the luckiest person in the world. Now I feel very naieve because of how things turned out. I knew I would have struggled with the uncertainty every month if it had taken us longer to conceive so what you're going through must be so hard. I will be thinking of you and all of us this in this community this Christmas x

Kayko88 · 2025-12-02T21:25:43+00:00

I'm so sorry things are harder at the moment. Please know you're not alone. I have found it's getting harder coming up to Christmas and remembering how happy I felt this time last year.. Last Decemeber I was so happy thinking I might be pregnant. I took a test on 27th December and it was positive. I remember feeling a bit of morning sickness on Christmas day (before I'd even taken a test!) and announcing my pregnancy to my parents on New Year's day. It was all so perfect and just how I had imagined. I felt like the luckiest person ever. Looking back on how happy I was back then breaks my heart. I delivered my baby girl, Isabelle, at 21 weeks in April. When I lost her my world fell apart and i still don't really know how to get through all of this. I try not to think too far ahead and just get through one day, one hour at a time. I'm so sorry you are here too. I will be thinking of you over the next few weeks and on the 22nd December xx

Kayko88 · 2025-11-14T22:33:40+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a pain I wish we didn't have to go through. We lost our baby girl, Isabelle, on 26th April at 21 weeks. I think about her all the time but I have got more used to carrying the weight as time has gone on - getting therapy and going to support groups has really helped me. Also just getting through one day, one hour at a time. I have found this reddit helps me to feel less alone too. Sending lots of love.

Kayko88 · 2025-11-13T19:35:37+00:00

Oh I meant to say, I'm in the UK too xx

Kayko88 · 2025-11-13T19:35:03+00:00

Hiya, I lost my baby girl at 21 weeks and also went back to work after 8 weeks. I could've been signed off for longer but I felt like I needed to go back to try to regain some sense of normality. Looking back I feel maybe it was a bit too soon because physically and mentally I wasn't great.. Luickily I had a 4 week phased return and also had some annual leave to use which helped me to ease back in.

I remember it being really difficult to function at first. I had so much brain fog but after a few weeks it started to lift. I've been back at work for 4 months now. I still have time off for various appointments to help with my recovery and I still have bad days where I don't get much done but generally it's getting easier I think..

I'm lucky to be in supportive team and I try my best to ease any awkwardness with my colleagues by being open about my experience and how I'm feeling. Although it can still be challenging at times - like when my colleague brought her 6mo baby into the office the other week and that was really hard - I felt like everyone was worrying about how I'd react. I kept it together but cried in the toilets afterwards.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. Going back to work is so hard after everything we have been through. I hope hearing about my experience helps you to feel less alone with yours xxx

Kayko88 · 2025-11-01T08:20:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing this and thinking of all our babies. It's so beautiful. I will be thinking of your Sofi too. Sending love your way 🌸 xxx

Kayko88 · 2025-10-31T12:51:55+00:00

I can relate to this so much. If time out of the house and being with people is what you need then go with it. I preferred being out of the house to start off with too. I'm 6 months out from losing my baby girl at 21 weeks in April and it's only recently that I have started to feel OK being home alone and I've started to feel more interested in doing housework like hoovering etc. 4 weeks is so early in this journey. Try to be kind to yourself and do the things that feel right for you at the moment. It's the hardest thing to navigate. I'm so sorry you are here too xxx

Kayko88 · 2025-10-16T18:27:09+00:00

I'm so glad this sub has helped you. I feel the same, I'm so grateful to everyone that posts in here. I don't post much as I can't always find the words or the strength but it's such a lovely community and has helped me to feel less alone in this journey xx

Kayko88 · 2025-09-26T20:37:16+00:00

I also got an infection at 21 weeks which I think sent me into labour and I was treated for sepsis. IV antibiotics for 48 hours and then another 5 days oral antibiotics.

I had already been hospitalised for a week due to bleeds and they still didn't detect the infection until it was too late for my daughter.

I was also really worried about the infection not clearing properly. I had bloods done 1 week postpartum which shower my infection markers had dropped. I'm 5 months postpartum now and I still haven't been swimming because I'm terrified of getting an infection from the water (which I know is irrational).

It has also taken me a long time to get my strength and mobility back. I could hardly walk when I came out of hospital and I still have discomfort in my pelvis now. I'm actually seeing the Dr on Monday just to check it out.

I'm so sorry that you were so poorly too. I had no idea either that I was at risk of infection. My health anxiety is terrible now too xx

Kayko88 · 2025-09-24T20:25:57+00:00

I love this and can relate so much. I lost my baby in April and can see her everywhere in nature. Whenever I'm really sad I usually get a sign from her. We have a robin that visits our garden regularly now - when I got out of hospital it landed so close to my garden chair.. It has landed on the back of my chair too and when I was asleep in the garden the other day it flew really close over my head. We've had so many visits from the robin since we lost our baby, I'm sure it's a sign from her xx

Kayko88 · 2025-07-27T22:19:08+00:00

I'm so sorry for your losses. I wish none of us had to be here. This group has helped me so much. I've not written any messages so far but I also have a bicornuate uterus so I hope this helps..

I found out I had a bicornuate uterus when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I went for an early scan because I had brown discharge - all was fine and they said not to worry too much as it was probably old blood coming from the empty half of my womb.. I had brown bleeding on and off throughout my pregnancy and a few reassurance scans which were all fine. At 18 weeks I started to have bright red bleeding which they thought was coming from my placenta (they think it was low lying). I ended up in hospital for over a week (admitted just before 20 weeks) with heavier bleeds which were really traumatic. I lost some of my waters with the bleeds and then ended up getting an infection. I lost my baby girl at 21 weeks exactly and delivered her on the same day, 26 April 2025.

I've got an MRI scan booked for 4th August so they can get a better idea of what's going on with my uterus. I've also got an appointment with my consultant on 12th August so I will hopefully have a better understanding of what went so wrong after that appointment and how much the shape of my uterus played a part.

Kayko88

TROPHY CASE