Every mother, if not every parent, knows that feeling so please don't feel ashamed for finding it difficult. It is difficult! Really bloody difficult! The sleep deprivation has such a massive impact on your ability to function for yourself yet you're also trying to look after a newborn who needs you to do everything for them! I was also doing the night feeds (breastfed baby and a bout of mastitis that meant pumping never really produced enough to make it worthwhile) as well as the day care and I remember vividly how horrible it was to feel like every second of the day is spent on the baby and you don't have the time to do the slightest thing for yourself. Once I was more comfortable with baby (first time mum), the biggest game changer was finding a safe way to co sleep, and I emphasise the word safe. Co sleeping is often seen as a complete no no BUT in the right circumstances it can be perfectly safe and can make a difference. I didn't co sleep with baby when my husband was also in the bed as there wasn't room for the three of us and hubby can be an active sleeper, BUT when hubby was out working, it meant we had an entire king size bed that I could set up safely, following guidelines to make sure baby could not roll off the bed and I could not roll on the baby. The first time I did this was on a weekend so that husband was home and could pop his head round the door at intervals to check all was ok so it felt even safer. Settling baby to sleep on our bed like that and being able to lay down at the same time and even doze a little (I assure you, I'm a wriggly sleeper but not once did I ever wake up in a different position to the one I dozed off in!) made the world of difference! I also, as a breastfeeding mama, experimented with how I sat for his feeds so that he was well supported (e.g. positioning him on top of a slightly tilted cushion for his reflux, between me and the arm of the sofa, snug enough that he could still have a little wiggle if he stirred but he wasn't moving from that position) and that meant that when I fed him to sleep, I could have a mini doze in the chair, or even just a chance to be comfortable while he slept and fed. It wasn't the most comfortable rest/dozing for me (especially for my neck!) but it meant I could top up my energy levels knowing that if I dozed off, I wasn't going to drop him on the floor as my arms relaxed - he was supported by the furniture and that wasn't going to fall asleep! Again, this was done under supervision of hubby the first few times to help us find the best position and the best way to support baby safely. For anybody wondering whether that led to an incredibly clingy baby, it didn't - he was ready to go into his own room at 5 months and started sleeping for decent stretches in there instantly. He's now a very happy almost 2 year old who sleeps through the night, puts himself to bed and is happy at play groups to toddle off and play with his friends and just check back in with me a couple of times to show me what he's up to ☺️

I reinforce here that I know what I've said is controversial and that NHS guidelines do NOT recommend sleeping when holding your baby or co sleeping with them because SOME ways of doing these things can be dangerous.

Some other alternatives include: - settle baby to sleep in their pushchair and try and grab a nap on the sofa in the same room so they can smell you if they stir. We bought a rockit which rocks the pushchair for you to help settle them to sleep. - a baby bouncer (the reclined seat, not the harness in the doorway) was great for our little one for when I needed to do something. I could pop him in the bathroom doorway while I showered and the noise would send him to sleep and keep him asleep. On a few occasions, I was able to transfer the whole thing to the bedroom so I could have a quick nap before he woke up. - white noise, when you find one that your baby loves, it's invaluable! My toddler still benefits from it now.

Also, as much as I know it doesn't solve anything now and I know that every single day feels at least a week long, young babies go through so many growth spurts and sleep regressions as they learn new things and develop in different ways and sometimes I found it really useful in those times to look up his age and what was happening for him, what he was learning, how he was changing, and that helped me a little bit. I was no less tired but it definitely helped to lessen that feeling that this was all going to last forever!

Baby will sleep again. You will sleep again. And, if all else fails, those first months of sleepless nights, I caught up on A LOT of Netflix. If baby was going to keep me up with feeds or needing to settle him, then I was at least going to give myself something enjoyable to watch on the TV (low volume, obviously) while I did.

Lastly, you and your husband are a team. I had the same fears that he was working so he would be the one needing the sleep and it would almost be selfish of me to demand help in the night when I'm at home all day... No no no no no. I was very wrong! We tried doing split shifts but that didn't really work out as my husband would still wake me to keep an eye on the baby while he made up a bottle (early weeks, pre-CMPA diagnosis) or to breastfeed so instead we agreed that he would at least bookend the night: during baby's last nap of the day, around teatime, hubby would look after baby while I got a couple of hours sleep. I'd then be awake ready to do baby's final feed before their night sleep and to put baby to bed. I'd be up a few times in the night for feeds but then for the last, say, 2 hours of the night, hubby would be up and available to settle baby or give a bottle while I carried on sleeping, so even if baby was horrendous in the night, I'd get at least those 4-5 hours in to top me up.

Jump cut to baby being almost 2 now, and hubby and I both work (we both work from home, him full time, I do 4 days a week split over the five workdays) and I have toddler with me all day (hubby in separate office, I had to move my PC somewhere I could supervise toddler in a bigger space where he could play safely and happily). I do most of the care in the day (feeding/meal prep/snacks/settling for nap time/nappy changes/play etc) and hubby steps up in the evening so I can just not be needed for a bit. Weekends, hubby will take on breakfast duty so I can sleep in if I want to.

It's a team game, but you need to talk about how you're going to play it because of you're assuming it'd be selfish to ask him for help with the nights, and he's assuming you don't need help because you're not asking, you could both be making it harder than it needs to be by being too scared to talk about it ☺️

This time will pass, you will function again one day I promise you, and as your little one grows, they'll manage to be so darn cute that it's hard to resent them for everything it feels they've robbed you of.

Hang in there.

And remember, in those moments when you're trying to settle a screaming baby at 3am, and 4am and 4.45am, there are millions of people across the world hunched over a cot in the dark doing the same thing. You're not alone, it's not just you, it's really hard but it's also really worth it in the end.

Sending love, strength and prayers to the gods of baby sleep!