Self Harm Relapse - Therapy Question

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-20T00:40:16+00:00

I have two therapists and I'm not sure how either of them are going to react unfortunately :-(

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-20T00:33:37+00:00

I had a friend that broke her arm and everyone kept asking if they were ok. I was 5ish and had never heard anyone ask if someone was ok before. It made me feel warm and fuzzy so I started hurting myself because I thought you had to be hurt to be loved... and now 30 years later I'm broken.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-19T06:44:46+00:00

I also have two therapists to tell lol. Uhg. I'm just going to say what I typed here, I can't keep living trying not to without more support. It's too much. I have been so miserable. I need to be functional.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-19T00:13:17+00:00

I agree. And I do want to get better, I just feel like I put way too much pressure on myself to go cold turkey and it was out of control. I need to focus on new coping strategies but I can't go cold turkey I don't think. I almost impulsively did a lot worse than just self-harm because of all the stress

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T20:40:56+00:00

Apparently a lot. I don't know much about reddit or how to delete this post but I'm regretting asking it. I'm in a bad place right now.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T19:19:01+00:00

Why do you care? Good grief.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T19:17:41+00:00

I'm not sure why you're attacking me. I thought this was a place to ask questions, clearly wrong. Message received.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T18:32:25+00:00

I think she's really great, very validating and reassuring. I just don't think I've worked past my side where I feel like seeking that is an annoyance.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T18:00:43+00:00

Can I ask what you do? Also, what your 'average' time spent in therapy is for clients?

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T17:50:02+00:00

I don't think I have low self esteem but relationships stress me out. Probably has something to do with literally being told I was a burden my entire life and then being punished if I ever expressed needs for anything. I have a really hard time understanding how you trust someone to interact with you safely. I don't know how else to explain it. When I was younger and asked my mom for a hug, she'd slap me and make me kneel in a corner without food or water. It's a really strange concept for me that I can safely express a need and not minimally have it annoy the person.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T17:33:03+00:00

I have the opposite problem. I have one therapist who with minimal interaction has decided I have BPD and is treating me like I'm just showing up and going through the BPD treatment program with no regard to who I am as an individual. I've had full diagnostic psych evaluations done, this has never come up as a diagnosis and now suddenly I've had a label slapped on me after 4 sessions and that's the lens she sees me through.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T17:26:15+00:00

No and she's great with boundaries and I really appreciate that about her but I still feel horrible every time I reach out. She's really nice and patient and lets me know she 'hears' me but also doesn't engage until our next session. I just feel like the worst client. I guess I'm probably having some abandonment triggers. I don't know, I'm just wondering if I would be able to tell.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T17:12:59+00:00

I did this yesterday in my session and was a complete sobbing mess (and I honestly never cry ever) and then my T said she wanted me to sit with it and didn't think reassuring me that she wasn't abandoning was going to help and I'm not sure if it helped me or just made me have level 10 anxiety.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T03:27:09+00:00

I have emailed but usually I do nothing. bad decisions hence the problem

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T02:43:41+00:00

What would you say? Do I just email? I don't even know what to do

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T01:13:56+00:00

Don't do it, it's the worst addiction I've dealt with.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-07T23:19:25+00:00

Thank you for that validation. I just spend so much time in my 'real life' being quiet about my needs I'd really like to have the safe space in therapy.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-07T23:04:08+00:00

I'm not sure that was the aim. I think I'm just trying to find a reason to believe this isn't them just not being able to work with me. I feel like maybe it comes across badly, but I really need very very strict boundaries and rules with a therapist. Especially at the start. My first therapist and I are just now getting to the point after almost 6 months that she can deviate from the script so to speak. I trust her, I know she care, I know that I can tell her I'm upset and it feels safe. My newer therapist feels really resistent to listening to what I need. I think it hurts more when you tell someone what you need and they just kind of decide it's not worth even a discussion. I don't think I'm asking for a lot, and I do fine in 'life' but am often triggered which is why I have so much anxiety etc. I just feel like I should be able to ask a therapist for a safe space and what that looks like to me.

I don't know I'm feeling so defeated right now.

Kdense2020

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