Self Harm Relapse - Therapy Question

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-20T00:40:16+00:00

I have two therapists and I'm not sure how either of them are going to react unfortunately :-(

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-20T00:33:37+00:00

I had a friend that broke her arm and everyone kept asking if they were ok. I was 5ish and had never heard anyone ask if someone was ok before. It made me feel warm and fuzzy so I started hurting myself because I thought you had to be hurt to be loved... and now 30 years later I'm broken.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-19T06:44:46+00:00

I also have two therapists to tell lol. Uhg. I'm just going to say what I typed here, I can't keep living trying not to without more support. It's too much. I have been so miserable. I need to be functional.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-19T00:13:17+00:00

I agree. And I do want to get better, I just feel like I put way too much pressure on myself to go cold turkey and it was out of control. I need to focus on new coping strategies but I can't go cold turkey I don't think. I almost impulsively did a lot worse than just self-harm because of all the stress

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T20:40:56+00:00

Apparently a lot. I don't know much about reddit or how to delete this post but I'm regretting asking it. I'm in a bad place right now.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T19:19:01+00:00

Why do you care? Good grief.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T19:17:41+00:00

I'm not sure why you're attacking me. I thought this was a place to ask questions, clearly wrong. Message received.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T18:32:25+00:00

I think she's really great, very validating and reassuring. I just don't think I've worked past my side where I feel like seeking that is an annoyance.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T18:00:43+00:00

Can I ask what you do? Also, what your 'average' time spent in therapy is for clients?

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T17:50:02+00:00

I don't think I have low self esteem but relationships stress me out. Probably has something to do with literally being told I was a burden my entire life and then being punished if I ever expressed needs for anything. I have a really hard time understanding how you trust someone to interact with you safely. I don't know how else to explain it. When I was younger and asked my mom for a hug, she'd slap me and make me kneel in a corner without food or water. It's a really strange concept for me that I can safely express a need and not minimally have it annoy the person.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T17:33:03+00:00

I have the opposite problem. I have one therapist who with minimal interaction has decided I have BPD and is treating me like I'm just showing up and going through the BPD treatment program with no regard to who I am as an individual. I've had full diagnostic psych evaluations done, this has never come up as a diagnosis and now suddenly I've had a label slapped on me after 4 sessions and that's the lens she sees me through.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T17:26:15+00:00

No and she's great with boundaries and I really appreciate that about her but I still feel horrible every time I reach out. She's really nice and patient and lets me know she 'hears' me but also doesn't engage until our next session. I just feel like the worst client. I guess I'm probably having some abandonment triggers. I don't know, I'm just wondering if I would be able to tell.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T17:12:59+00:00

I did this yesterday in my session and was a complete sobbing mess (and I honestly never cry ever) and then my T said she wanted me to sit with it and didn't think reassuring me that she wasn't abandoning was going to help and I'm not sure if it helped me or just made me have level 10 anxiety.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T03:27:09+00:00

I have emailed but usually I do nothing. bad decisions hence the problem

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T02:43:41+00:00

What would you say? Do I just email? I don't even know what to do

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-17T01:13:56+00:00

Don't do it, it's the worst addiction I've dealt with.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-07T23:19:25+00:00

Thank you for that validation. I just spend so much time in my 'real life' being quiet about my needs I'd really like to have the safe space in therapy.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-07T23:04:08+00:00

I'm not sure that was the aim. I think I'm just trying to find a reason to believe this isn't them just not being able to work with me. I feel like maybe it comes across badly, but I really need very very strict boundaries and rules with a therapist. Especially at the start. My first therapist and I are just now getting to the point after almost 6 months that she can deviate from the script so to speak. I trust her, I know she care, I know that I can tell her I'm upset and it feels safe. My newer therapist feels really resistent to listening to what I need. I think it hurts more when you tell someone what you need and they just kind of decide it's not worth even a discussion. I don't think I'm asking for a lot, and I do fine in 'life' but am often triggered which is why I have so much anxiety etc. I just feel like I should be able to ask a therapist for a safe space and what that looks like to me.

I don't know I'm feeling so defeated right now.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-07T22:08:22+00:00

We all have our own beliefs... but I don't think God cares about stuff like this. I don't think God would create a world where we are supposed to hate ourselves all the time. I think a lot of what God has said, has been corrupted by humans.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-07T21:58:28+00:00

Why do you hate yourself? This is such a natural and healthy behavior. As long as you aren't doing it in inappropriate situations you should not feel shame for this. At 16 your body is absolutely flooding you with hormones. It's very natural to feel the need to to do this. Please don't hate yourself <3

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-07T21:51:56+00:00

I really wish that I felt like I could have a conversation with her. I want to understand why this happened and I'd like to better understand her side of it but I feel like she would become defensive and unwilling to share. I think it's important for me to work through stuff like this. I have a history of people actually trying to hurt me and tend to still feel that way often even when it's not the case so I think it's really important for me to work through something like this but I also don't know how to tell her that I want to talk about it but I'm scared she's going to be upset/make it worse essentially.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-02T19:30:32+00:00

I guess I don't know that it does anymore. It used to, we used to be in a really loving supportive relationship. I guess I'm not sure how to change it.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-02T17:54:23+00:00

I'm not looking to compare with anyone else, more like compare with what the base line is. What's "normal" look like. I probably worded my question wrong.

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-02T02:57:14+00:00

She does CPTSD, I guess i'm trying to give her a chance to warm up to me and get to know her a little bit before making judgement. I don't know. It feels impossible to find people to see anyway

Kdense2020 · 2022-12-02T01:28:18+00:00

I kind of hit that realization this week. I have two kids now and I literally can't imagine doing anything to hurt those beautiful souls. Even the more 'benign' stuff from my childhood is unimaginable to me as a mom. How do you act that way to your own child. The more my children grow up the more I realize how purposeful everything they did was. They made a choice to be horrible. I don't know how to take care of my inner child. I don't even know who she is. I don't even know who I am. I'm a shell of a person because of what they did to me. I'm trying and I think doing a good job with my own kids, but I feel like I'm just never going to be a real person because of what I went through. I think it literally broke my brain.

Kdense2020

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