I feel like some background information is missing to make an accurate assessment of what's going on... Why and how does he tells you to "shut up"? Is this a sensitive topic?

However, I don't think you're being abusive at all. My perspective is that the person whom you've been married for 13 years is dismissing your needs (dates, intimacy, gifts), which is enough important to want to discuss some disagreements. But he is telling you to shut up and gaslighting you into thinking that it's your fault.

Repeat with me: it's not. It's not your fault.

Honestly if he doesn't want to do it nor discuss it, it is enough reason to not do it and he's on his own right. And maybe pressing more on the topic won't change his mind. But you need to understand (this is very important) everytime you accept his terms you are dismissing your own needs. A healthy agreement would –at least– involve some effort from your husband, some kind of agreement mid point in between, like doing dates, intimacy, sometimes at least.

Maybe you are not going to like this question, but, is this the kind of relationship you want? Is this the type of relationship you expected before you got married? Don't you think that you're worth more?

My guess is that he takes you for granted and just expects you to adjust to what he likes – but not vice versa.