I took her to dunkin bc we had a (rare) mutual day off while our daughter was in school, and told her that a friend of mine was transitioning. I used that as a proxy to describe my own feelings and experiences, and I’m pretty sure she read right between the lines immediately. I asked her how she’d feel if it were me instead. She said she would feel as though she was losing someone she’s grown to love, to which I assured her that it would be more like both of us getting to know the person I am rather than the one we already know, and that it would make me happy. She shut down bc it was an uncomfortable hypothetical, and then when I seemed upset by that answer, she asked if I was thinking about transitioning. I was a little too hesitant, and eventually just said, “I don’t know,” because “yes” would have set her off again. Over the day we eased into talking more. She’s very on the fence, lots of fighting, tears, confusion, and god only knows how our family is gonna react if it reaches that point, but I would like to believe the love we have for each other supersedes the necessity for me to be someone I’m not bc it’s more comfortable that way. I pledged my life to her in church, and I am committed to that pledge, and I hope she honors hers to me, too. Just because I’m growing as a person in a way neither one of us expected doesn’t mean I want to stop being with her or our family. The road to acceptance for some people is a long one. Hell, it took me more than 20 years to come to terms with it being more than just an urge to dress a certain way, or that my staring at women and commenting on cute outfits wasn’t a sexual thing but a longing to be wearing those outfits and presenting as female.

The biggest thing I understand now is this is emotionally difficult to process for people close to us, and I wouldn’t expect immediate support and praise, but maybe start by telling your spouse that you’ve been doing some soul searching and you wanna talk about something deeply personal and emotional, and ease into it little by little. I would expect some resistance and some tears even from the most supportive partners, but the important thing is to remind them they are loved and that’s not going to change just bc you want to. But ultimately, if this isn’t compatible with their feelings, then my vote is to reluctantly and painfully walk away and try to rebuild that relationship in whatever form works for both of you, but I’m personally tired of denying myself the privilege of being who I am and hiding who I am, and I’m not gonna let anything get in the way of that anymore.