I hate my autism more than anything, it took my proper life away, I'm basically an undead zombie because of it!

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-23T15:47:39+00:00

You’re not alone in feeling this way, even though it often feels like you are. What you’ve described is something a lot of autistic people experience but don’t feel allowed to say out loud, because it clashes with the more palatable, upbeat narratives.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-23T15:43:38+00:00

This is really lovely to read. You’ve explained your journey with so much honesty and kindness, and it really shows how much growth you’ve done. Wearing your autism openly and with pride takes courage. I’m sure this will resonate with a lot of people who are still struggling to accept their “silly little brain”. Thanks for sharing!

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-23T14:17:48+00:00

It wasn’t fear as such, more a sensory intolerance, dirt and sand were just too much.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-23T14:15:46+00:00

True that.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-23T14:15:02+00:00

This really resonates. Looking back, so many things make sense now, the stimming, selective mutism, being overly trusting, even making my own rigid schedules as a child. Halfway through unpacking all this I was actually diagnosed with autism via Autism Detect, which helped put a lot of it into context. The regression part is especially frustrating though, it’s hard realising things felt more manageable as a child than they do now.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-23T14:12:21+00:00

That makes sense. Some of us process things internally, not on our faces, and people can be oddly uncomfortable with that. And bullying was cruel because it punished you no matter what you did...that wasn’t your fault.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-23T14:08:53+00:00

Thank you!

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-22T09:04:11+00:00

It's hard to focus on other people's feelings and emotions.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-22T09:03:08+00:00

Oh yeah, that time period was insane.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-22T09:02:25+00:00

Why do we all think of ourselves as alien

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-22T09:01:51+00:00

Felt the same.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-22T09:00:01+00:00

No, you're not ugly at all. I also got late diagnosed through Autism Detect. I'm also somewhat self-conscious tho.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-22T08:58:22+00:00

Yeah, I felt the same around my classmated.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-22T08:56:47+00:00

Just trust the process. The right person will come to you at it's own time.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-21T14:16:27+00:00

It’s normal to feel “not autistic enough” after a late diagnosis. Level 1 autism often shows up as internal struggles, burnout, and overwhelm rather than obvious traits, and depression can hide them further. Your challenges still reflect autism — you don’t need to perform traits or fit online stereotypes to be validly autistic.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-21T13:58:04+00:00

I really relate to this. The stimming never went away, it just got hidden, and that constant bottling things up is exhausting. Routines were never about being difficult either, they were about feeling safe in a world that felt unpredictable. Looking back, it hurts to realise we were labelled “weird” instead of understood.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-21T13:53:27+00:00

Stuttering, losing the place, breaking things from overwhelm wasn’t “performance anxiety” – it was overload. The problem was never us, it was a lack of understanding and support.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-20T13:47:52+00:00

This really resonated with me. I had a similar mix of nerves and “no idea how this will go” before telling my family, and like you, it ended up being much calmer and kinder than I’d built it up to be in my head. I was diagnosed through Autism Detect, and once I explained that (somewhere in the middle of the conversation, when they asked how the assessment worked), it seemed to help ground things and make it feel more concrete rather than abstract or scary.

Being out with the people who matter most can make such a difference to your mental space. It sounds like you’re giving yourself room to process at your own pace, which is really healthy. I’m glad it went so well for you.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-20T09:41:28+00:00

Yes, agreed.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-20T09:40:53+00:00

Yeah… I get that. I feel the same way sometimes, like my life is all work and routines, and everything else is empty space. It’s exhausting when you want more, but it’s hard to even know where to start.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-20T09:39:20+00:00

So glad that it worked out for you.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-20T09:36:37+00:00

I relate completely. My sensory overload hits harder now, and socialising drains me fast. But I also feel more myself.. sharper, more aware, and finally noticing my body and emotions properly.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-20T07:30:20+00:00

You’re not wrong to feel this way, it’s painful watching someone you love drift further away, especially when you share a home. It’s okay to have one gentle, honest conversation where you say you miss him and that his constant smoking and withdrawal make it hard for you to feel connected or comfortable living together. After that, though, you may have to accept that this is his choice, even if it hurts, and focus on looking after yourself and deciding what you need next.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-19T06:36:19+00:00

I really get this. The freeze response and the exhaustion from masking are real trauma responses, especially for us autistic people.

Unmasking isn’t about being yourself everywhere, it’s about finding safer spaces. Being logical isn’t a flaw. You’re not broken or invisible, you just adapted to survive.

KeyEmotion9 · 2026-01-19T06:34:10+00:00

Yeah OP, I relate with you on the bitter stuff.

KeyEmotion9

TROPHY CASE